Friday, March 25, 2011

Thought I Was Dead, Didn't You?

Almost. But not quite. I am beginning anew at Http://

You should come visit me there. This is all ancient history now. :)

Tuesday, May 04, 2010

You're going to spend the rest of your nights with the light on

This week is the busiest week of the year for me at work. We have both Cinco de Mayo and Mother's day in a five day period. I'm trying to decide if I am really excited or if I am anxious as all get out. I like being busy because it means I can make a lot of money, but I'm nervous because things tend to go wrong when we're busy. I also get stressed out, and I don't want to get a migraine because I've worried myself into peices. I'm trying to stay cool about all of it. I've got my fingers crossed.

Kitten took her EPA exam for school yesterday and she's pretty sure she aced it. I'm really proud of her. The exam is to get the certificate she needs to be liscened as an HVAC worker. It's really important. She's been doing such a great job this semester. I have to say it again. I'm really proud.

I've finished the rewrite of Hang a Shining Star. I finished it last week. Now I'm getting ready to go through and fix the little things, get it polished and see if I can start sending out my query letters. I've got a list of about 20 agents I'm going to start with. I'm really anxious about it. I think I can write a fabulous query letter. I'm planning on starting it this evening when I get off work.

Getting an agent is a huge and important step towards becoming a published author. I worry because I don't have any other published writing credits to my name, and I know that will put off some agents. I've been looking at some of the short story publications out there, and I want to start submitting to them too, but I worry that if I start failing there, I'll get discouraged. I'm stuck in the middle for that one. Another thing that worries me is that I've not been to any writer's conferences, and it seems like a lot of writers are doing that as well. Something to plan on when I have extra time, I guess.

I will say this, Kitten and my Beta have been super supportive. I know they both have faith in me. I have faith in my own writing ability. I'm trusting that the concept is great and its beautifully written. Or it will be by the time I'm done polishing. I think if I can get a partial request the writing will speak for itself.

My mom has been really eager to talk about my writing too. I don't mind, except I think she has ideas about what it's like to be a published author that aren't exactly realistic. She is convinced I'll get picked up right away, that I'll get selected for Oprah's book club and I'll make millions and never have to work again. It's hard for me to explain to her that I'll probably have to have another job all my life, even if I am a published author. Even if I do get published several times. I do have hopes of becoming a bestselling author, but my genre is difficult to get published. I've read some bestsellers recently. I keep wondering how I'll even measure up when I read things like The Diviners or Corrections. It's so different from what I do.

I've started on book #2. I suppose I should say book #2 has started on me. It wants to write itself and it won't let me go. Nevermind I'm not sur ehow I want to finish off the bad guy, or that I don't consider myself a genre writer or that I've not done all my research yet. There's just going to be blank spaces in the manuscript until I get to those things, because I'm not waiting for anything. The Muse is visiting and she doesn't stop by very often. I'll offer her some coffee while I send someone to the store for snacks.

That's my writer and waitress and bartender stress out. I hope life is treating everyone well.


Sunday, May 02, 2010

I should have made you leave your key

Alright, so I made this blog a little harder to find, but it's still here. SO I suppose I can keep posting. I'd hate to give all of you up after all this time.

Life update. Guitar Hero no longer lives with us. The short version is, the night before St. Patricks Day we laid a note on her bed letting her know how much she owed us for rent and utilities. We did this to remind her, because even though she's been living with us since december, she hadn't paid rent yet, because seh gave us $200 in december and we let it go for January and February because she had installed hardwood floors (costing about$150) in her bedroom. We figured that was fair and we should give her a break, she did just move and she's in school afterall.

About 11 that night Kitten and I had finished up spending some quality time together and I was headed in to the kitchen to get some water and hunt for some cigarettes and she was in there eeating, she'd just gotten off work. She made a comment about how she had noticed we left the note about rent on her bed. She asked if Kitten was still up. I said sort of, rather than offending her by saying soemthing like "She's awake, but she's laying in bed naked and afterglowing, could this wait?" because we all know how Guitar Hero doesn't like to be reminded that other people, even married ones, might be getting some since she isn't. She asked if she could go in the bedroom since Kitten wasn't out of bed. I told her I would go tell her she wanted to talk, but she followed me into the room anyway.

Cue akward conversation where Guitar Hero reminds us how we had told her she didn't have to pay rent until April (we didn't remember this conversation at all, ut hey - everyon's memories short out now and again, right?) So we say okay, and she says something like she doesn't want us tot hink she's skipping out on rent and she'd pay us the next month and wouldn't that be okay? We said sure and told her we wanted to sleep, since it was, you nkow, eleven and we both had to work the next morning.

open scene on next morning, where I tromp off to Guitar Heros' room to get my clothes out of the dryer for work. It's empty. I'm not talking, she's not home. I'm talking all there was in there was a stripped bed and empty bookshelves and dressers. Some of her books were in laundry baskets in the floor. She moved out in the middle of the night!

Now, I know, and you all know, she wasn't happy living with us. I have my own theories on why, but we assumed that she was going to stay until the end of the semester like she had agreed and if she wanted to move out then, no big deal, right? Well, apparently not.

So we call Kitten's buddy Welder Girl and she picks up a new set of locks for us on her way to the house, she and Kitten carpool to school together. I call Perpet from work and ask her to sit at the house for us because we know Guitar Hero is going to show up to get the rest of her stuff the minute Kitten heads out for school and I don't want Kitten missing class just so we know that she hasn't taken some of our stuff too.

Guitar Hero shows up, as expected, shortly before Kitten heads to class. She notices Kitten at the door and asks what she's doing. Kitten replys "It looks like I'm changing the locks. Give me your keys." Guitar Hero fights with Kitten about how she needs to keep our house key for a few weeks yet. Kittten points out Perpet will be there to let her in and out that day, and she can call if she needs something else.

Guitar Hero proceeds to cry (suprise. She's good at crying on command) and tells Kitten it was all so sudden and she had to take her new apartment right then, and she didn't mean to hurt Kitten and they were still best buds, right? Kitten calmly tells her she doesn't know what apartment complex she's staying in that needs her to move in between the hours of 11pm and 6 am but if that makes her feel better to say so, that's fine. And no, they aren't friends. GH says that she didn't know how to approach her about it, and it *was* sudden. Kitten tells her that we would have been nice and offered our truck and helped her move if she'd just asked, but she had to sneak out of the hosue in the middle of the night and what kind of peopple does that make us look like? GH gets mad then, and stomps to the back of the house saying of Kitten doesn't believe her it was short notice then she's crazy. Upshot of all this is, later when we weren't there GH mentions to her mom in Perpet's presence she's had her mail forwarded for two weeks. Sudden, my hind end.

Anyway, shortly after this, maybe a week or so, Kitten starts getting crazy text messages from Guitar Hero. Over the next week or so they keep up. I've transcribed them here, because it really does demonstrate the crazy (I can't reproduce all the spelling and punctuation errors, only the elipses, they drove me crazy):

Text #1:

Hey…ive been thinking of u a lot lately…hope you are doing well

Kitten doesn't respond, two days pass, then she gets this:

Text #2-6 (put together for continuity)

I just moved down the street Kitten, I had absolutely no intention to move out of ur life… I wish you would talk to me so I know how u feel about things…I don’t know what else to do unless u talk to me…You may have given up on this friendship we have built together, but dammit Kitten, I wont give up on you, Its not worth throwing away over something as menial as the move, or maybe ive done something a lot worse to deserve this from you, and I just don’t realize it…that’s why u need to talk to me so I know, I cant just forget about u and everything weve had together, I just cant…maybe u feel differently, but I think You are worth the effort and more…please don’t shut me out completely

Text #7-10

What do you want me to do? What can I possibly do to make us right again…it is tearing me apart to know that u are so incredibly angry with me…I thought that by moving out I would be able to save the friendship that all three of us had, after the disagreement with sarah…I felt more in the way…I felt like I was a problem or a hinderance to both of you…we never talked like we used to…it sucked…I thought if I gave u guys space again, everything would go back to like it was…but I guess I fucked up cause now u hate me….

Text #11-15

God, I wish u could understand where im coming from…but I guess you don’t. It was never you Kitten, we got along so well, I could see myself living with u till I was an old lady, I care about and will always love u dearly whether or not u choose to ever have anything to do with me again, but to live with a couple is so terribly akward and uncomfortable to me…I thought we could make it work…but sarah claimed her turf and I felt soo much in the way…I tried, and moving to portlandw u guys seemed like such a good idea cause I cannot see a life without u….but u and I both know that wasn’t gunna work anyways, why would a married couple want a roommate? I will just be in the way…but I could be livin down the street frm ya in a little bungalow and still see u

A side note to mention that she was planning on moving up to WA when we head that way in the next few years. I'm glad we escaped the crazy following us...

At this point the lovely Kitten sends back a text telling her 1, that she hates me and that means she hates Kitten, why would Kitten want to be friends with someone who hates her wife? 2, that she snuck out in the middle of the night like an abused wife and that's childish and 3, she doesn't hate her, she just isnt her friend anymore. Here is the follow up response, which came two days later

Text #16-22

Ok, u go ahead and be mad w me. Your message was so very angry and cruel. To tell me I mean nothing, not even to be considered a friend, after everything I did for u two….cuts so deep and hurts more than words can ever describe…and maybe I didn’t handle things the way u wanted, and for that I am sorry.There was no time to talk bc it did happen so fast. And what little time there was, I didn’t kno how to bring it up w out hurtin anyones feelings. But I am trying to talk to u now I think we are both equally confused and hurt. But what it all boils down to is, I was uncomfortable, so I moved, end of story…I never said I couldn’t stand sarah…don’t put words in my mouth and quit coming up with ignorant excuses to be so angry w me. I love sarah just as much as I love you. All I ever did was to please u both, I know ur a unit, u are soulmates…why do u think I agreed to support u and be best man?? She is ur happiness

Text #23-31

We talked after the disagreement, I thought we were ok…but I was uncomfortable around u both after that, I was afraid to do anything that might upset u both, I didnt like that feeling, I didn’t knowhat to do or say…u even said urself sarah was uncomfortable too…I didn’t want anymore fights between any of us, I wanted it to go back to the way things were when we were so happy together…I thought by moving it would save all three friendships. But since u r being such a stubborn turd, I guess I destroyed it instead, but if u still cant see how much I loved u both, how much I did for u both and not care at all….Well then u are blind and that’s a shitty shame. So im sorry for coming into ur life and fucking things up.I guess im not entitled to my feelings and opinions…I guess its all about pleasing u both and making u happy…if u don’t care about me or want to put out any effort or understanding…Well then I guess I don’t need u in my life either….i am just so very sorry and disappointed that such a good ting had to end on such bad terms.

Point of interest here, I never "talked" with Guitar Hero after the so-called disagreement. Co-workers will tell you i was joking about the fact I was counting how few words I could say to her. Week one I got by on less than 20...

Kitten tells her she isn't going to argue with her anymore and she's painting herself as the angel, so why bother. She also points out that if she is so desperate to be my friend again too, why isnt she blowing up my phone too? We get this shortly after.

Text #32-38

I am not an angel…in fact I admitted to going about things the wrong way and for that I am sincerely sorry, I never knew things would get so damned blown out of proportion…what do u want me to say?? That im a horrible two timing sneaky bitch who never cared about u two, ever?? Well, u are a god damned fool to believe that. That’s fine, u stay mad, u hate me, don’t waste time or effort on me cause I don’t deserve it, maybe I never deserved it…ur always right and im completely wrong, screw u Kitten …u said I would never hurt me again and maybe I hurt u with all this and god I am sorry…I am so sorry….but jesus, this time it hurs so bad…is that what u want to hear? Does that make u happy to kno im in so much pain? U r in the right and am wrong and deserve this treatment from u. Fuck u anna and dream world ur livin in….i am trying to reach out to u but forget it, u believe what u want.

You'll note she never mentions how she wants to be buddies with me again, good, I think, for her to stop lying to herself and Kitten...I'll also mention, because I asked Kitten about this, she apparently was desperately hurt when Kitten ended their "beautiful relationship" of two dates. But by then Guitar Hero had already fallen for her. Or something. But she decided they should be friends rather than not talk, because, you know, somthing is better than nothing. Apparently not.

I finally lose my temper and enter the fray. I text Guitar Hero that I think she still has feelings for Kitten, that she only professes to like me to get Kitten back in her life and that she is acting like Kitten was her girlfriend and broke up with her. I call her a coward for moving out in the middle of the night when she could have just told us and point out to her that she didnt like living with us because we are happy and it made her unhappy to see it because she is unhappy with herself. I told her there was no hate on Kitten's or my part, just a lack of desire to be friends with someone who resents our happiness and cant be honest with us. This is the response she sent to Kitten's phone, seeing as how I am not worthy of a text back...

Text #39-41

None of that is true….there is no feelings like that at all left for Kitten….i was genuinely happy 4 u both or else I would have never supported the marrage….dont u understand that?She was my friend, nothing more, nothing less…look, I don’t care anymore, it doesn’t matter, no amount of reasoning matters or will ever help…just please leave me alone and never talk to me again….we are done here…

I sent her back a message telling her I didn't think it was fair that she was taking her Barbies and going home now that I wanted to talk, and that I figured I got another 40 or so text messages until we were even. She never responded.

Last week Kitten dropped off a credit card statement that had come to our house for her at work (yeah, they still work at the same place. Thank heavens on opposite shifts) She returned to Kitten, a few days later, an envelope of all of Kitten's guitar music, which she had accidentally taken with her. Inside was another three page letter about how much she loved Kitten and missed her and how she wanted to be friends and she's ruined it all and she'll never forgive herself.

Wow. And she seemed so normal until she moved in.

All I can say is I'm greatful we had this incident now, rather than months from now, or years from nwo when we moved. I can say I'd become a little territorial the last few weeks she was there, but then, I think I should be the one who gets the first hug and the only kiss when Kitten gets off work in the afternoons. And Kitten had mentioned when I wasn't home she had to hide out in our bedroom and read because every time she tried to watch a movie Guitar Hero would lay all over her on the couch, or put her head in her lap or some such nonsense, and despite her protestations that it made her uncomfortable, she persisted. Twice GH tried to get her to go to "a nice dinner and maybe a movie since Sarah's at work" and Kitten declined.

All's well that ends well, but seriously, how did we miss the crazy? Maybe we wanted to think she just wanted to be friends because we liked her so much as a person. Maybe we're both blind. I'm officially running all new friends past Perpet from now on. She's got a crazy homing device. It's like gaydar, for weirdos.

And that's the drama. I'll post something cheerful soon. I swear.

Hope it entertained, at least. Lord knows I laughed over it all.


Saturday, May 01, 2010

I've got a new blog

I'm starting a blog for my two biggest loves outside of kitten, writing and reading.

Its at

I'd love for you to check it out. I'll probably spend more time over ther. Chances are, I'll delete this blog soon.

If you want to stay caught up with my personal life, friend Alecya Giovanni on facebook. I'll need you to identify yourself in the message.

I'm coming out of my blogger paranoia and using my real name now. Most of you know it anyway.

I'll see you on the other side.


Saturday, February 27, 2010

You were still standing there when the smoke cleared

And I've done it again. I ducked out for almost a month without positng.

I'm very enarly done with the second draft of my novel. It's being beta'd right now and I'm getting excellent feedback. I had set the goal to finish by the end of this month. I've got 70 pages left and one day. It's not going to happen. I ought to be at it right now, but I'm having trouble focusing. I think i need to turn off the internet. That might help me.

I've been applying around to other jobs too. I need more money. I don't feel like a help at all. Guitar Hero is working at Kitten's restuaruant and making money hand over fist, and from what I hear, isn't even that great a waitress. I keep hoping they'll have a spot open up there. I'd like to work with Kitten and have similar hours too.

My cousin Lovey has a job now, and I am really proud of her. I am hoping she'll get her car in working order soon and we can have a couple days to hang out. It isn't much fun that she lives farther away now. I keep trying to convince her to move up here and go back to school. I think she wants to, but is nervous about how her family would feel. I understand that.

Speaking of not much fun, living with Guitar Hero is becomeing worse and worse for me. I think she is even getting on Kitten's nerves, although she bears it with her usual philosohpy. I appreciate that about her.

Turns out she's a pretty sensitive girl, and most of you know I have the sensitivity of a blunt axe most days. I don't think I could sugar coat something even if I tried. So those days when she comes home and is crying or stomping around or feels like she needs to take an hour and a half long bath are trying to me. I try to ask her what's wrong, and I do my best to be gentle when I suggest that soemtimes maybe it isnt as bad as it seems. I've been wasting my time.

The other day she was upset about her schedule for graduate school and I offered to help her. She not very politely refused, I think she thinks since I am not in school right now I must be an idiot. I hope we all know better. She got to talking to me and I asked her why she didn't get a degree in what she wants to do, rather than get a degree in something she doesn't really like to do but will bring her comfort. I offered the opinion that maybe she should try and make herself happy first, and worry about the money as it comes to that.

This, I know, is a philosophy of a starving artist, but I'm one, and she wants to be one (albeit of a different kind) and I thought maybe she just needed encouragement. Not so. She told me she has too much on her plate to deal with me making it worse. (Not that I see what she's got going on. A job, school and her not girlfriend she just dumped - but isn't that the way life goes?) I asked her why she didn't sit down and deal with her problems now, while she has friends like me and Kitten to support her rather than making it worse by putting it off. Wrong thing to say, apparently. She slammed her glass on the kitchen table and started yelling and cursing at me, told me to mind my own business and ran out of the house crying.

I really didn't mean to upset her. I felt bad. For about six hours.

Then I came home and she wanted to have a talk with me. She took to hours to pretty well tell me that I was a terrible person. Her list of complaints were as follows, minus the cursing, crying and general profanity, which I don't feel necessary to repeat here:

I get in her business and she wants me to stay out of it (Okay, stop talking to me about it, right?)

I am in general a person she doesn't know if she can trust, because she doesn't know all about me. (I told her I'm an open book, and I wondered to myself why she would move in if she didn't trust me.)

I am too blunt and can't be nice about things. ( I agree here, I don't soften the blow very well. But I am never intentionally mean to her...)

I am trashy because I speak my mind. Mind you, she doesn't blame me, that's the way I was raised. (that made me angry, I respect the way my grandparents and mom raised me. I kep my mouth shut and lit a cigarette to keep from yelling about that.)

I have no self respect because I used to be an alcoholic and drug addict. It's worse because I'll admit it. (this really made me angry, but I held my peace here too.)

I am a manipulative person and I have both her and Kitten under my thumb ( I asked her how she thought I was manipulative, or what she thought my ends were, but she just cussed at me and started crying again. I think this was to broach what I think was the main point, which follows)

I have bad blood for her because she and Kitten had a beautiful relationship before we started seeing each other. (Here's where I have to confess to cruelty. I've long suspected she held some lingering attachment to Kitten. I told her point blank I had no reason to resent her, I was the one married to Kitten and I would never have suggested she move in if I thought Kitten had any lingering vestiage of affection for her, which I know she didn't. I'm not stupid. There was never any question of love between them. It was a couple of dinner dates and sex once and nothing else. She really cussed and cried at that. I almost felt bad)

I am a wiccan and I am going strait to hell and she's put up with me doing witchcraft in the house long enough. (This annoyed me mostly because I am not technically a wicaan, it had nothign to do with her thinking I am a busybody. Also, the only time she has ever seen me practice is at my wedding, which she was a part of, and which she knew would take place. I practice in private. Plus, its my house. I set a fire in the back yard and dance naked in it if I want to, but that's neither here nor there....)

I am a drama causer and all I want is to make people unhappy and angry with each other.

After this little speech, well, long speech I calmly told her I hjad never intentionally set out to hurt her and of course I would stay out of her life if she wanted me to, but that she needed to admit I had never done anything but offer my friendship to her, and that I would continue to do so for the sake of everyone in the house.

She told me I was a cold person and she couldn't believe I wasn't upset at all the things she said (believe me I was, but sometimes its better to wait and be angry in private, I think)

I told her if she wanted me to not be her friend I understood and that in return for staying out of her business and personal life like the not friend she wanted me to be I required her to stop crying so loud I can hear it on the other end of the house (an attention getting technique that usually works well for her) not take any more 3 hour trips to the bathroom to indulge her rage (some of us like to use it too, you know) and that she was no longer allowed to stomp around the house and snip at everybody for things that weren't their fault.

She got real mad and called me cold again. I told her I wouldn't waste my time or energy when I had time off just to console someone who didn't like me, and I definately wasn't going to have her suck up all the time I have off making my home a miserable place.

She said okay and then she says "Well, I guess that's how I say its going to be, so there, we've got that settled." I almost laughed. I followed this by almost falling out of my position on the couch when she came over and asked for a hug! I couldn't believe it.

I was really angry when this first happened, but I've had a week to cool off about it, and now I'm thinking it's almost funny. I've lived with people who don't like me before but I've never lived with someone I know doesn't like me who perists in telling me they like me when they act like they despise me, and make it a point to tell me how bad a person I am.

Kitten asked if I wanted her to get her out of the house. I told her no. I figure she's made her bed, and she can lay in it. Word at the water cooler is that she won't have her job much longer and I'm interested to see how she reacts when that happens. She certainly won't be able to talk to me about it. Either way, I figure she'll move on in her own time if she's meant to, or she'll come to see that I was right about a lot of things and maybe she'll unbend and try to be reasonable. I can be forgiving for a lot of things.

She wasn't raised up the way I was, and she's really naieve, so that accounts for a lot of her ideas and actions. She says she's never met a person like me before, and I venture to guess that she'll meet a lot more like me if she stays out of the little town she came from and lives in a bigger city like ours. Trouble is, most of them won't give her the benefit of a doubt.

I've kept quiet the last few days and she seems content not to talk to me. I don't feel its much a loss, really.

It does make me a little sad that she's turned out like this, but that's the way things go some times.

In happier news, my mom and Punk are completely different creatures now that they live apart and there's been a startling burst of maturity from both of them. Mom and I have been spending a lot of time together lately and I actualyl enjoy her company now. She seems to be coming into her own at last, and I like it.

Kitten and I have made a new friend, her name is Copper Top, and we like her a lot. No doubt she'll show up in some of my posts in the future, I expect she'll be hanging out more as time passes.

I haven't given up the idea of moving, and I occasionally go looking for homes in the area of the Pacific Northwest we want to move to. I think we can make it there in the next five years if we try really hard and if I get lucky with a publisher. We're putting the money back for it, so it looks like no second honeymoon any time soon, but it can wait. I like the idea of us picking out our home and moving to it together, like the excellent team we are.

That's all the news from me, for now, and I hope you all are doing well.

Incidentally, I hope the above gave you a good laugh, most of you know me better than my in eprson friends and I hope you know I'm not looking for sypathy. I got that out of Perpet the night after it happened. And it made me laugh, like I do now. I just thought it would give you interesting perspective into the mind of our dear Guitar Hero. I hate to admit i like writing about her. She's such a new experience.

Imagine, we're not even a big city and she is in culture shock. It makes me worry how countryfied I seem when I travel. I hope to heaven I can maintain some sense of cosmopolitanality (is that a word? I'm making it one) when I go other places.

Love you all.

Saturday, February 06, 2010

Stepped out into the cold, collar high

January slipped by, didn't it?

That's the way it usually goes though. Especially for me. So my 28th birthday has come and gone. (thanks Aravis for stopping by and saying happy birthday) and Kitten's 30th has come and gone. We didn't do anything wild. We went to dinner at a fantastic northern italian restaurant in our town. She's never been there and I think she really enjoyed it. I love to eat there and got a huge kick out of her excitement.

Guitar Hero is an experience. This is one of those circumstances where sometimes the friend is better farther away I think. Well, one, I honestly don't think she likes me now that she lives with us. She hardly ever talks to me and spends a lot more time with Kitten. Of course, she and Kitten work similar hours, but...yeah. I think she thinks I am a stick in the mud. She was giggling over an ad for a topless maid service the other night over dinner and she asked me if I would ever do that. Obviously, no. But she kept on it, and said she thinks that having a maid running around in high heels and a thong is funny. I told her I didn't think the exploitation of women for profit was ever funny. She looked liek I punched her.

She joined an online dating service (I joined it too, as a joke. Go to and look for tehbonkybonk.) and met this girl. I don't like her. I think she has no manners. Just me, but they've been on two dates and its Luuurve. Gag. And since the only thing they have in common is they both play guitar, Kitten and I have been treated to non-stop whailing on the guitar for the last month now. Last night she even got out the banjo. *sigh*

I'm looking for a new job. I've been cut back to less than 20 hours a week and that's not enough to get by on. Corporate decided we all need less hours. What I think we need is less employees, but that's just me. See, I think if you have six or seven employees that only want to work one day a week or a couple weeks every month, you kick them to the curb and give full tiem schedules to the people who are begging to work 6 days a week...just me. on top of that our restaurant went non-smoking and when you work in the bar, that means no money. I had 4 customers walk out last night because we dont let them smoke at the bar anymore. And two more yelled at me, like it was my decision. "Oh, yeah, the whole staff took a vote. We figure smokers are assholes...sorry."

Anyway. So I've sent out about 30 resumes this last week. I'm going to try to get back into offices. I had an interview two days ago for an HVAC company and I thought it went well when they called me back for a second interview. Turns out they didn't even look at my salary requirements. I told them no less than $12 an hour in the first interview, they told me pay started at 9 in the second interview. Plus the manager warned me ahead of time that the predominately male staff would likely sexually harass me and did I have aproblem with that, so long as they didn't get too out of line? Yeah. They offered me the job. I told them thanks but no thanks.

Guitar Hero let my cat Voodoo out, she's in heat. She's been gone two days and i'm worried. If she comes back she'll be pregnant. Great. If she doesn't...well, I don't want to think about that. I'm hoping for comes home pregnant at this point. Our baby cat Purrsephanie has spent the last two days wandering around the house calling for Voodoo. She's pretty distressed. I cuddle her as much as possible. Unfortunately, I don't think she sees me as quite the companion Voodoo is. We're both anxious I guess. Every time I go to the door to call for her she sit in the doorframe and howls. Poor thing.

In good news, Punk finallymoved out of my mom's house...didn't think that would ever happen...

I finished my first round endit of my novel and am almost through with edit number two. yay. and I started outlining for novel #2, which I'm going to try and start on in March.

Ywah. That's all the exciting news here. I wish It would stop snowing. I know its winter andI live in the midwest and all, but seriously...

Keep warm.

Thursday, December 31, 2009

But now that's nothing more than a memory

Well, its the new year, almost. 2009 wrapped up rather nicely for me. The last few days at work have been busier than usual ( a huge plus) and I've had a great holiday. to add the icing to the cake Guitar Hero moved the last of her stuff in today and she's officially our roomie. Yay.
You know, new years is supposed to be the time to make resolutions and reflect on the past and think for the future and all that, so a little of what I learned this year:

I lerned that if I put my nose to the grindstone I can actually accomplish things I am proud of. (like my novel, finally finished and almost done with that horrific first round edit)
I learned that sometimes you have to make choices that will hurt other people but are the best for you. Its not fun, but sometimes it has to be done. And its okay, sometimes, when you have to make that hard decision to feel both a little bit of regret and a lot of pride for doing what's right. I think this year I've done a lot of things that were hard for me, but also really right for me. If you had told me this time last year I'd be happily married, ina healthy relationship and setting realistic goals for my life and for me relationships with other people I would have told you that you were crazy. But it turns out when push came to shove I really did care enough about myself to want to be happy. And I think, honestly, for the first time I can say I am truly happy with my life and the decisions I've made for myself.

I've learned this year that a friend who doesn't love you no matter what isn't really a friend. I've cut loose a lot of people this year and I can't say I am sorry for it. I am sorry that I had poor judgement when it came to some of my friends, and I am sorry that I realized far too late what I needed to do to help myself. But Ican't be sorry I let them go. I keep happy memories to always enjoy, but it seems those are few and far between with the parties concerned.

I learned this year what a real friend is. I have a lot of people in my life right now that are supportive, loving and honest with me. And I need that. A few of them propbably should have cut me loose too, and I am glad they were patient with me and saw me through some of my worst times. I feel like I especially ought to mention Perpet here, who listened to me talk about how miserable I was for the last two years and gave me great advice, which I ignored and sometimes resented her for, but stuck it out with me and has seen me become the person I ought to be, the person I've been trying to become for the last five years. I think I finally made it, and I am proud to say I didn't loose her as a friend along the way, although by rights I probably should have. Having her stand next to me on my wedding day, the way I did with her, and knowing that I was going into a life commitment that was healthy and strong was a happy moment for me.

I learned that there is no substitute for real love, be it romantic or the love of friends. Its not somethign that can be faked, and when you have the real thing every other imitation you've known seems silly.

I learned that with my family sometimes there isn't any winning, but I can keep from losing. I've had to make compromises with my family this year that I didn't want to make but Ithink its been for the best. I love my family, but I don't always like them, and this year had been an eye opening one for me, in that I know now how to better deal with them. I've found that I have a lot of resentment towards my family, and I am trying to deal with it in the most adult manner I can. I don't know I'm always mature, but I've been trying to keep in mind my personal goals and deal with them the best I can. Its all I can do.

I think this year I've learned to set reasonable goals for myself, and I've found that they're attainable. I also have learned to never settle for less than I deserve, which is doing me a lot of good both professionally and personally. I've leanred its okay to indulge myself every now and again. I've learned that there are some things too, that are not indulgences. Thinking of myself, wanting to be happy, taking care of myself, taking time to relax and be happy are all things I shouldn't reserve for special occasions. I should be doing it all the time. And I'm doing better about it. I don't feel guilty asking for what I want, and I'm finding I am less bitter about the compromises I make, because they are honest to goodness compromises and not sacrifices on my part. I've learned what it is to come halfway. I like it.

This has been a good year for me. It really has. I'm proud of how I am doing. I like myself now. I like who I am. And for a year's worth of work? That's pretty darn good I think.

I love you all. I hope you have something happy to recall this year, and you've learned something worthwhile. Even if its something small.

Here's to a new year friends. I'm ready to move on.