Still your daughter, still the same

Well, an interesting week. The good news is, I have 1/3 of the sewing for the wedding done and our planning packet came in. We're all but ready to go. I have everything packed but thehair products, becauseI can't get rid of those until the day we leave, for obvious reasons. (I have backup toothbrushes, shampoo, etc...) The bad news is I've had a falling out with my mother. A pretty permanent one, it looks like. I'm usually pretty coy about my mom and Punk (my 26 year old little brother) They live together, and its not a very healthly relationship. Whether its a result of being spoiled as a child, a bad attitude, actual psychological problems or the fact he's been the only(I hate using this word) stable male in my mother's life, Punk has a very bad habit of treating my mom more like he's her husband than her son. He runs off all her friends, especially the male ones, and he keeps tabs on her wherever she is. I've seen her take a call from him in my house and tell him she was at the store, as if there was something wrong with saying "I'm spending time with your sister" Punk doesnt have a rela job, he works maybe 10 hours a week at a local skate park, so my mom funds all of his extracurricular activities, including his drinking and drug habits. She's not too financially saavy, (coming from me that's terrible to say too) and as a result she's blown through a lot of her money. She's always broke, even though she makes three times what I do. My Gran loaned her about $3000 this last spring and instead of paying her bills it went somewhere else (I suspect to punk) and she got evicted from her rental house and has all sorts of problems.

Anyway, Punk and mom have had all sorts of issues. When I was growing up I tried really hard to ignore the turbulence of their relationship the same way I ignored my mom's abusive husbands. I didn't really think there was anything I could do about it. As an adult, I know better.

Last week mom and Punk had a pretty big fight, and I heard about it through my grandmother. Apparently my mom went to stay with her when Punk threw her out of the house. There was a physical altercation involved, and apparently it was a pretty bad one. I knew that in the past this had happened before, but apparently this time it was really awful. I won't give you all the gory details. Suffice to say my mom was afraid to go home and my brother threatened my Grandmother and (apparently, by proxy) me if we tried to get involved. My grandmother said he told her he would "beat her ass" charming, right?

For me, it was the last straw. I don't do well with threats. I also don't do well with Punk hitting my mom. Its not okay with me. Monday i called her and offered to find her a safe place to stay, or a way to help her prosecute him, or get him out of the house. Anything to separate them.

My mom didn't take the offer very well. She pretty well told me it was none of my damn business and I should stay out of it. I told her I'd thought I'd stayed out of it for too long. I also told her sshe needed to make a choice about her safety, my grandmother's safety and mine as well. She told me she wasn't going to do anything about it, and if I did, she would deny up one side and down the other he had ever laid hands on her. I told her she had three options, as far s I was concerned. 1) do something about this herself 2) let me do somethign about it and keep her safe or 3) tell me that making my brother happy was more important than her or my grandmother's safety and she didn't want to talk to me anymore, because I can't keep dealing with this kind of personal turbulence.

My mom told me to go to hell and choose option 3. I'm trying as best I can to cope with it.

I wouldn't be nearly so angry except two days later my brother and my grandmother call me on behalf of my mother, who is in jail. Apparently she had written some bad checks recently (she hasn't had a bank account in almost a year, so I'm not sure what she was thinking) and when she got pulled over for having expired tags on her vehicle she got arrested because there was a warrant for her bad checks. They wanted me to post her $1000 bail. It had to be paid in cash. I told them I didn't have that kind of money and they informed me mom knew I had at least half that amount put away for the honeymoon and probably a little more for the wedding.

Is it wrong of me to be angry whe wanted me to give her my honeymoon and wedding money to bail her out after she had just told me to go to hell and stay out of her life? Well, I was. And I didn't give them the money either. Not very kind, maybe, but that's how I felt. My grandmother got the money, in case you're curious, and she's out. For now.

I'm at an impasse. My grandmother came over thursday crying to me about how I had no right to throw stones at my mother for being in trouble with money and how she wished she was dead because of all the faily drama. She told me I would ruin Christmas because we couldn't all be together and I wasn't thinking of the family and how would everyone else think it looked? I was honest with her. I told her I've been dealing with this stress all my life, and I think its time for me to let them go. There isn't anything else I can do to help my mom or get through to my brother. As for the rest of the family, they've been looking the other way all this time, and I don't feel like its right. I waited to long to say something, honestly, and I feel better having finally said something. I think I did the right thing.

Try as I might, I'm having a hard time sleeping. I've had nightmares about my mother every night this week, and they are becoming increasingly violent and agitated. Whether you believe this is me trying to deal with the situation subconciously (I don't) or whether you think this is my moms's way of letting me know how angry she is (I do, I've alwas been connected to my family this way) its hugely unsettling.

This would be a great time for some feedback. I did the right thing? I think I did. Kitten thinks I did, and all of my close friends think this wasa step that needed to be taken a long time ago. Still, te built in family guilt is after me. I love my mom. I love punk. But I don't like them. And I don;t like the way I feel when I deal with them.

AG/xx

You found me

Well, the pre-wedding stress level is at medium about now. The sewing isn't done but we have everything else purchased. I have begun packing for the honeymoon and am currently wondering if it is physically possible to fit all of our luggage into the Aveo we rented. I hope so, ir some of it eill be in the front seat me with me. And I pack a tight suitcase (its why there are irons in the hotel right?)

In case you guys are interested, Kitten loved the kitchen. She came in from a day of fun and shopping with Guitar Hero and kept going, "wow. oh wow. No, really, wow." both of her parents were really happy that I did it too. They think a fresh start is good for her.

We got moved back into the bedroom and I am lovign the privacy, the nicy comfy, supportive bed frame and the fact I don't have to go so far to the bathroom every night. The awesome walls and warmth from the new insulation aren't too bad either. I need to get pictures of that up some time.

We have a new addition. Kitten's dad called us when we were working the other day and said he found a little forlorn kitten on his front porch. She was riddled with fleas, and is no more than a month old, so we took her in and she is our pride and joy right now. Her little back legs are lame, she walks on her knuckles, but we're trying to teach her how to walk properly. We'll have to get her to a vet soon. Kitten names her Purrsephanie. It's perfect for her. In addition we've started letting our strays come in and out as they please, and the spend most of the time sleepign on the bed with us. We love it. Our flea med budget will have to go up, but honestly, they keep us so warm at night they might actually help lower the utility bill!

I'm currently reading a new book, its called "The Agony and the Ecstasy" its a fictional (but we;; researched) novel about the life of Michaelangelo. Its riviting. I am not normally a huge historical fiction fan, but this one might actually change my mind. I have a hard time putting it down.

I might actually get made a manager at work soon. Its about time after 3 years. Keep your fingers crossed.

That's me rightnow.

And now some pics to entertain you:

A picture of our pretty new kitcen. No more ugly tuscan theme. Bright clean lines and vintage adverts. I'm looking for a Felix the cat clock. You know the kind, with the moving eyes and tail...?

That's Purrsephanie, in the front of Kitten's hoodie, well its the front because she turned it around to cradle the baby. Spoiled right? But beautiful....

They have never felt your hell

Right, so another day off another epic house task for me to conquor. Silly, since I haven't gotten the others done yet, and I need them done for my wedding. But this one is important to me.

I don't know if you'll recall a few years back my area of the country had a terrible ice storm. It was awful. I went 19 days with no power. Anyhow. During the ice storm Kitten and her former partner were living in the home we are in now. Towards the end of the storm there was an accident in the house that led to Kitten being severely burned and in the hospital for a really long time. It wasn't Kitten's fault but she's never forgiven herself and she wears some pretty heavy emotional (and physical) scars from the accident. Well, every time Kitten is in the kitchen she remembers. The girls she works with tried to come and clean it up but there's only so much you can do with soot on the walls. The kitchen never got cleaned up.

The other night I was scrubbing at the walls trying to make a dent while Kitten hung crown moulding with her dad. When she saw what I was doing she started crying. I decided to give her a fresh start today.

Guitar Hero came and picked her up this morning and all day I have been redoing the Kitchen with the help of Perpet and Brown Chicken. Its gone from a tuscan theme to a black and white vintage art/1950's style kitchen. She hasn't made it home yet and I hope she likes it. I took off all the cabinets and painted them and the walls and the baseboards. Everything is new. Except the fridge and the stove, of course.

I've got my fingers crossed it will help her heal. You never really get over things like that, but I want her to feel like she's starting over with me.

I just want to be closer to you

I've been busy. And sick.

Sick for only a few days. Some random virus that kept me throwing up near constantly and ended up with me getting an IV (ouch!) and a few bags of fluid and some awesome nausea medication that had me completely out of it within 5 minutes of ingestion. It also put me out of work last saturday and sunday, not someting I really enjoyed. But I'm better now and I can get back to working hard this weekend to make up for it right?

The wedding is something like a month and six days away (no, I'm not counting.) I've got the flowers done and they are lovely. Well, all but the fresh ones, which I obviously have to do that day. Kitten is helping me with the sewing and I am hoping we'll get it all done on time. Guitar Hero has built us a lovely trellis that we'll be getting married under, I likes it a lot. I think there's a debate as to whether it will get painted white or left the wood color. I think we're favoring the wood color. There seems to be no doubt that we'll be keeping it and planting roses alongside it in the spring so they'll climb the trellis, which I think is charming.

I think just about everyone is coming to the wedding, although we are having a hard time getting Earth Girl over to the house to run through the ceremony. Perpet has been over for a good "stitch and bitch" session as she calls them, and we also went together to go buy the flowers for the ceremony. We did the same thing we did for shopping for her wedding, which consisted of exclaiming over pretty things and then wondering when the two of us became so girly its painful. Not that I mind the girly anymore. Most of our friends have responded and I am glad they are coming. I am not sure whether Aunt Priestess and Lovey are coming and I sincerely hope they'll be able to.

I'm also anxiously awaiting my new Boline (a knife) and Chalice coming in the mail. I ordered them a week or so ago and I am on pins and needles wanting them to hurry up and get here. Kitten is making my altar table for me ( a wedding gift of sorts) and I am so excited about it.

Speaking of coming in the mail, I ordered a bedframe yesterday and I can't wait! I'll get to sleep up off the ground, which excites me a lot. We'll also have room for storage containers, which is something we're going to need very much.

Of course, me ordering the frame means we got the floors for our bedroom in, and we started the polyeurathane last night. Coat one is almost dry and I'll get to finish it up later tonight I think.

Kitten and I did some shopping this last weekend and I'll have to get some pictures of the pretty new dress she bought me. It was so beautiful, I almost cried when she told me I could get it. She got some new dress shirts and a lovely orange silk necktie that matches one of my evening gowns for the honeymoon. She looked so lovely I had to bite my tongue in the store. It made me proud, I have such a lovely wife.

Hope everyone is hanging in there. The first cool breezes of fall are in my neck of the woods. Hope you are all enjoying the sutumn as well.

XX/AG