Thursday, December 31, 2009

But now that's nothing more than a memory

Well, its the new year, almost. 2009 wrapped up rather nicely for me. The last few days at work have been busier than usual ( a huge plus) and I've had a great holiday. to add the icing to the cake Guitar Hero moved the last of her stuff in today and she's officially our roomie. Yay.
You know, new years is supposed to be the time to make resolutions and reflect on the past and think for the future and all that, so a little of what I learned this year:

I lerned that if I put my nose to the grindstone I can actually accomplish things I am proud of. (like my novel, finally finished and almost done with that horrific first round edit)
I learned that sometimes you have to make choices that will hurt other people but are the best for you. Its not fun, but sometimes it has to be done. And its okay, sometimes, when you have to make that hard decision to feel both a little bit of regret and a lot of pride for doing what's right. I think this year I've done a lot of things that were hard for me, but also really right for me. If you had told me this time last year I'd be happily married, ina healthy relationship and setting realistic goals for my life and for me relationships with other people I would have told you that you were crazy. But it turns out when push came to shove I really did care enough about myself to want to be happy. And I think, honestly, for the first time I can say I am truly happy with my life and the decisions I've made for myself.

I've learned this year that a friend who doesn't love you no matter what isn't really a friend. I've cut loose a lot of people this year and I can't say I am sorry for it. I am sorry that I had poor judgement when it came to some of my friends, and I am sorry that I realized far too late what I needed to do to help myself. But Ican't be sorry I let them go. I keep happy memories to always enjoy, but it seems those are few and far between with the parties concerned.

I learned this year what a real friend is. I have a lot of people in my life right now that are supportive, loving and honest with me. And I need that. A few of them propbably should have cut me loose too, and I am glad they were patient with me and saw me through some of my worst times. I feel like I especially ought to mention Perpet here, who listened to me talk about how miserable I was for the last two years and gave me great advice, which I ignored and sometimes resented her for, but stuck it out with me and has seen me become the person I ought to be, the person I've been trying to become for the last five years. I think I finally made it, and I am proud to say I didn't loose her as a friend along the way, although by rights I probably should have. Having her stand next to me on my wedding day, the way I did with her, and knowing that I was going into a life commitment that was healthy and strong was a happy moment for me.

I learned that there is no substitute for real love, be it romantic or the love of friends. Its not somethign that can be faked, and when you have the real thing every other imitation you've known seems silly.

I learned that with my family sometimes there isn't any winning, but I can keep from losing. I've had to make compromises with my family this year that I didn't want to make but Ithink its been for the best. I love my family, but I don't always like them, and this year had been an eye opening one for me, in that I know now how to better deal with them. I've found that I have a lot of resentment towards my family, and I am trying to deal with it in the most adult manner I can. I don't know I'm always mature, but I've been trying to keep in mind my personal goals and deal with them the best I can. Its all I can do.

I think this year I've learned to set reasonable goals for myself, and I've found that they're attainable. I also have learned to never settle for less than I deserve, which is doing me a lot of good both professionally and personally. I've leanred its okay to indulge myself every now and again. I've learned that there are some things too, that are not indulgences. Thinking of myself, wanting to be happy, taking care of myself, taking time to relax and be happy are all things I shouldn't reserve for special occasions. I should be doing it all the time. And I'm doing better about it. I don't feel guilty asking for what I want, and I'm finding I am less bitter about the compromises I make, because they are honest to goodness compromises and not sacrifices on my part. I've learned what it is to come halfway. I like it.

This has been a good year for me. It really has. I'm proud of how I am doing. I like myself now. I like who I am. And for a year's worth of work? That's pretty darn good I think.

I love you all. I hope you have something happy to recall this year, and you've learned something worthwhile. Even if its something small.

Here's to a new year friends. I'm ready to move on.


Saturday, December 19, 2009

It begining to look a lot like Christmas

I got home last night to a pleasant and adorable surprise. Kitten's dad had brought by my Christmas gift. Last week he and Cat and Teddy had come by my work and I got to sit with them for a few hours (we we so not busy) and he asked what I wanted for Christmas. Jokingly, I said feather pillows. I've been needing a new pillow, the one I sleep with is one I've had since before I left high school. Turns out he was listening. And he got me real feather pillows. the kind that poke through the pillow. Only mine have a special lining so they don't poke. Either way, it was so sweet and considerate of him to remember. When I called him to thank him he said he brought it by early because he knew I had been feeling poorly. How sweet is that?

Now, my mother, on the other hand, not so sweet. I talked to her this morning about Christmas dinner. I told her Kitten and I had talked it over (we have) and that we wanted to have Christmas dinner at our house. I tried to explain that I understood her concern about my brother and that I totally didn't want her to feel caught in the middle. I offered this compromise: We would come by, around noon, after we finished at Kitten's mom's house. We would bring presents and eat cookies and say hello and I could see my brother on Christmas and her concience would be clear. Then, in the evening, she could come over and have dinner with us. I feel its important I get to cook dinner this year, its kitten and I's first Christmas married and I want to cook for her. We wanted to spend thanksgiving alone and I gave in to my mom on that one, i figure I've earned this one.

She pretty much told me I was forcing her to have Christmas alone and how dare I hate my brother so much as to leave him out. I tried very calmly to explain that he would be welcome in my house if I could reasonably expect him to not show up drunk or yelling if him and her have a fight, or that no one be offended when I throw him out for cussing and calling my mom names in my home, because I wouldn't tolerate that.

She called me a bitch and hung up on me.

So I suppose its just me and Kitten and Guitar Hero this year. I'm okay with this, I'm getting better at being okay with being at odds with my mom. I'm tired of havng to rearrange my schedule and do everything because its how my brother wants it done or because its more convineient to him. She treats him like a husband. He's not my father. He doesn't make my decisions for the holidays. I do. Every year it seems I end up rearranging my holiday plans for him. I am not doing it any more. My mom is making the choice to spend Christmas alone. I can't feel bad about it anymore.

Friday, December 18, 2009

Tis the season

Well, its about a week before Christmas. I think I am almost worn out on the holiday. It makes me rather sad, because I normally like Christmas and I've been working hard to make Christmas something special for Kitten, because she has always disliked the holiday so much. This year, I sort of understand why she isn't so keen on it, although, honestly, she seems more excited than I do right now.

Trying to arrange family time for all of our parents seemed like it was going to be an easy thing to do. We agreed to spend Christmas Eve night with Kitten's dad and step mom. We are going to go to midnight mass with them. I am looking forward to that, because I have never been, and I heard its really beautiful. Guitar Hero is coming with us, she's very much a part of the family now. She even came to my extended family's Christmas dinner at my Grandmother's request. It was suprisingly ueventful.

Kitten's mom wanted us to spend Christmas Eve night with her, but we told her no. I think its a little too much. Kitten has been upset with her, and although they've talked it out, I still don't feel inclined to sleep in a strange house over the holidays. We're having breakfast with her the next morning, and doing her present swap then. We have to be there at nine. Its early, but she wouldn't agree to anything later. I'm nervous about that. Kitten is supposed to be cooking. Kitten's sister, Cat, said a few years ago they were both 15 minutes late and she had a meltdown. Yikes. But hopefully we can get in and out and get back home to ourselves for a while.

Here's the big troule. We were going to have my mom over for dinner Christmas day night and I was going to cook dinner. It was easier. My brother was supposed to be going to Vegas with his girlfriend, but that didn't work out. But my mom just told me that this morning. Which means he is going to be there. We've already made plans that Guitar Hero will be with us at our house because we want her there, and she'll be moving in shortly, and because I think she'll need the break from her family too, honestly.

Now my mom wants us to come over in the evening and just have a few snacks and stuff because she doesn't want to cook. Trouble is, I want to cook Christmas dinner. But I don't want Punk at our house. Partly because I don't trust him and partly because I've been making progress with my mom and I don't feel like moving backwards because I have to kick him (and subsequesntly her - his ride) out of the house because he is cussing or screaming at her. I don't want to put up with that. Also, he will make it a habit of showing up drunk and raging at me every time he is angry with mom. You can see why I might not want him to be familiar with how to get to my house.

So what do I do? Skip me cooking dinner and go over there? I offered to drop the presens by and visit for a while so I could see him and then she could come over for dinner later. She already said he had plans for later that night. She doesn't think that is fair to her. I don't know how, but it apparently isn't . She won't settle for anything but us coming over and spending the whole evening at her house. Which is tiny. It was crowded with just four of us at Thanksgiving. We all had to sit in the floor to eat. Our house would be much more comfortable, and she wouldn't have to spend money on cooking. But she isn't hearing me. What do I do? I'm going to talk it over with Kitten, but I have a feeling none of us will be happy with whatever the solution will be. Mom has already pulled the "well, if you want me to spend Christmas alone, I guess I will, and better get used to it since you're going tomove away and abandonme soon anyhow" card. She's mad my Grandmother is going to visit her sister in Kansas City for the holidays, and thinks its unfair she won't have anyone to spend it with, although I know she and one of my aunts are having lunch and a movie on Christmas Day.

I'm stuck again. Bleh.

Casa Bueno didn't throw us a Christmas party this year, and I'm in charge of organizing the unofficial party for this Sunday. Its stressing me out because the place we all agreed to go wants a $40 deposit and honestly I don't have the $40 sitting around unused. I might hit a few of my co-workers up for the money tonight, we'll see.

Kitten's Christmas paarty for the Happy Waffle is this Monday, and I really don't want to go to it either, but she doesn't get her Christmas bonus if she doesn't go and I want her to get the bonus. I won't leave her to go by herself.

Yeah, I'm not so much for the holidays anymore, they're a huge pain in the tail.

Monday, December 07, 2009

A Partridge in a Pear Tree

November passed in a haze. Thanksgiving was uneventful. I made a pot roast for me and Kitten and her mom. We played Scrabble. Nothing of note really there.

Last week Kitten's sister Cat got married to her sweetie Teddy. I was happy for them. They're really sweet. The wedding went well and she looked beautiful. I was pleased and surprised that they insisted I was in all the family photos. It made me feel both loved and accepted. It meant a lot to me.

Christmas is just around the corner and I'm happy to say I've got nearly all my shopping done. It's awesome. I just need to get a few stocking stuffers for Kitten and Guitar Hero, and to pick up one last thing for Cat and Teddy and we'll be all set. Kitten is making our stockings. Mine is pink flannel with Snow White on the front of it. It has my Initial and a line of pink ribbons across the hem of the top. Its beautiful. We're all getting princess stockings this year. Kitten gets Aurora and Guitar Hero gets Cinderella. She was giving us a hard time about the princess stockings so we went and got her Christmas Disney Princess wrapping paper for all her gifts.

Kitten caved now that Guitar Hero has the back room done so we get to put up a Christmas tree as soon as we find the key to our shed. We've misplaced it somehow. Oops.

That's about all that's new and exciting here.


Friday, November 27, 2009

Stand by me

So, the handfasting ceremony took place on November 8th. All of our friends came and were super supportive. We thought it was really beautiful. We got our capes and my dress done in time and the stress level was next to nothing because Perpet and Guitar Hero took care of everything for us the day of the wedding. We even had time to clip ina little nap.

There isn't much I can tell you about the ceremony that will be of interest to you that you couldn't google and fine out, but I thought I might post my vows for you to see, if you like. They aren't quite the traditional vows, so...

I, Alecya, do take you, Kitten, as my partner and mate. Never will I seek to do you harm; always will I strive for your happiness and welfare. My love will be your treasure in the times when other riches fail to serve. My love will be your medicine in sickness as my hand tends your needs. My love will be your mirth when your heart is touched by sadness. My love will be your shining star through the darkest of nights. My love will be your banquet when life’s table seems empty. All this do I promise you with all the love that is in my heart. So may it be.

I thought it was beautiful.

Anyway, after that we took our drive down to Florida. Since most of you have an idea of where I live it won't suprise you we took two days to do it since it was over 1,000 miles to get there. We were a huge joke for our friends, we had to upgrade our rental car because of all of our luggage. We had somewhere in the neighborhood of 15 bags between the two of us, not counting hatboxes and the cooler and stuff. We ended up ina Ford Focus that we named Frederick. The drive down was okay. Once we hit Alabama it was okay. I'll save the story for another post but I am not a huge fan of the state of Mississippi after the trip.

We got to FLorida and it was beautiful. We had a great time. I'll tell you all about the trip in some posts too.

I brought more pictures. If you want to see all my pics, friend me on facebook. I have two albums devoted to the honeymoon and one for the wedding. Its under Alecya Giovanni. Just message me to tell me who you are becuse I don't accept strangers as friends.

Love you all.

Me and Kitten with Stitch at Epcot.

Kitten meeting her favorite Princess, the Princess Aurora. She was delighted. It was so cute.

Me and Kitten preparing for a night out at Victoria and Alberts. Its a super fancy restuarant. We had 8 courses of bliss. It was fun to dress up. (there was a dress code)

Me and stitch.

Thursday, November 26, 2009

Who's the leader of the club?

And I am back from the honeymoon.
The ceremony went well. It was beautiful. I managed not to cry (in front of anyone)

The honeymoon was amazing and I wish we could have stayed another two weeks. I'll have more pictures up shortly.
Love you all.

Tuesday, November 03, 2009

I can't get enough

Well, its almost time for the wedding and my bride panic hasn't eased up to much. I managed to give myself a raging migraine twice this last week. But things are going okay, other than that. I've got my dress made, and the trim for it is almost half done. Kitten's Cape is almost done, Mine and Earth girl's just need sewn together, which I think I am going to make Kitten do tonight. She's better with the sewing machine than I am. I hand sew everything. I've got half the candy for the wedding made, tonight I'll finish that, and we're practicing tonight for the benefit of everyone involved, including trying not to cut our fingers off with the boline. That's what had me most nervous.

We're packed and ready to go, so there isn't much about the honeymoon that I can say other than I am excited.

Halloween was fun, I hope everyone else had a fun time with it. I dressed up for work Saturday and Friday night. It was a blast. Friday I did a disco ting with Royal, my favorite co-bartender. WE went shopping for his costume thursday and I think he had more fun than Kitten and I did, but then, he'd never been to a flea market, so it was all new to him. Saturday my costume evolved. In the morning I was Zorro, but my care was getting caughton the bar stuff and I couldn't see out of my mask too well. So I donned a fedora and a red tie, lost the capre and went as The Spirit. No one knew who I was. Again. I've got to pick a more mainstream costume next year, so I don't spend all day explaining myself.

Hope all is well in your worlds, I'm off to clean before I head to work.

Lots and lots of love.


Sunday, October 25, 2009

Still your daughter, still the same

Well, an interesting week. The good news is, I have 1/3 of the sewing for the wedding done and our planning packet came in. We're all but ready to go. I have everything packed but thehair products, becauseI can't get rid of those until the day we leave, for obvious reasons. (I have backup toothbrushes, shampoo, etc...) The bad news is I've had a falling out with my mother. A pretty permanent one, it looks like. I'm usually pretty coy about my mom and Punk (my 26 year old little brother) They live together, and its not a very healthly relationship. Whether its a result of being spoiled as a child, a bad attitude, actual psychological problems or the fact he's been the only(I hate using this word) stable male in my mother's life, Punk has a very bad habit of treating my mom more like he's her husband than her son. He runs off all her friends, especially the male ones, and he keeps tabs on her wherever she is. I've seen her take a call from him in my house and tell him she was at the store, as if there was something wrong with saying "I'm spending time with your sister" Punk doesnt have a rela job, he works maybe 10 hours a week at a local skate park, so my mom funds all of his extracurricular activities, including his drinking and drug habits. She's not too financially saavy, (coming from me that's terrible to say too) and as a result she's blown through a lot of her money. She's always broke, even though she makes three times what I do. My Gran loaned her about $3000 this last spring and instead of paying her bills it went somewhere else (I suspect to punk) and she got evicted from her rental house and has all sorts of problems.

Anyway, Punk and mom have had all sorts of issues. When I was growing up I tried really hard to ignore the turbulence of their relationship the same way I ignored my mom's abusive husbands. I didn't really think there was anything I could do about it. As an adult, I know better.

Last week mom and Punk had a pretty big fight, and I heard about it through my grandmother. Apparently my mom went to stay with her when Punk threw her out of the house. There was a physical altercation involved, and apparently it was a pretty bad one. I knew that in the past this had happened before, but apparently this time it was really awful. I won't give you all the gory details. Suffice to say my mom was afraid to go home and my brother threatened my Grandmother and (apparently, by proxy) me if we tried to get involved. My grandmother said he told her he would "beat her ass" charming, right?

For me, it was the last straw. I don't do well with threats. I also don't do well with Punk hitting my mom. Its not okay with me. Monday i called her and offered to find her a safe place to stay, or a way to help her prosecute him, or get him out of the house. Anything to separate them.

My mom didn't take the offer very well. She pretty well told me it was none of my damn business and I should stay out of it. I told her I'd thought I'd stayed out of it for too long. I also told her sshe needed to make a choice about her safety, my grandmother's safety and mine as well. She told me she wasn't going to do anything about it, and if I did, she would deny up one side and down the other he had ever laid hands on her. I told her she had three options, as far s I was concerned. 1) do something about this herself 2) let me do somethign about it and keep her safe or 3) tell me that making my brother happy was more important than her or my grandmother's safety and she didn't want to talk to me anymore, because I can't keep dealing with this kind of personal turbulence.

My mom told me to go to hell and choose option 3. I'm trying as best I can to cope with it.

I wouldn't be nearly so angry except two days later my brother and my grandmother call me on behalf of my mother, who is in jail. Apparently she had written some bad checks recently (she hasn't had a bank account in almost a year, so I'm not sure what she was thinking) and when she got pulled over for having expired tags on her vehicle she got arrested because there was a warrant for her bad checks. They wanted me to post her $1000 bail. It had to be paid in cash. I told them I didn't have that kind of money and they informed me mom knew I had at least half that amount put away for the honeymoon and probably a little more for the wedding.

Is it wrong of me to be angry whe wanted me to give her my honeymoon and wedding money to bail her out after she had just told me to go to hell and stay out of her life? Well, I was. And I didn't give them the money either. Not very kind, maybe, but that's how I felt. My grandmother got the money, in case you're curious, and she's out. For now.

I'm at an impasse. My grandmother came over thursday crying to me about how I had no right to throw stones at my mother for being in trouble with money and how she wished she was dead because of all the faily drama. She told me I would ruin Christmas because we couldn't all be together and I wasn't thinking of the family and how would everyone else think it looked? I was honest with her. I told her I've been dealing with this stress all my life, and I think its time for me to let them go. There isn't anything else I can do to help my mom or get through to my brother. As for the rest of the family, they've been looking the other way all this time, and I don't feel like its right. I waited to long to say something, honestly, and I feel better having finally said something. I think I did the right thing.

Try as I might, I'm having a hard time sleeping. I've had nightmares about my mother every night this week, and they are becoming increasingly violent and agitated. Whether you believe this is me trying to deal with the situation subconciously (I don't) or whether you think this is my moms's way of letting me know how angry she is (I do, I've alwas been connected to my family this way) its hugely unsettling.

This would be a great time for some feedback. I did the right thing? I think I did. Kitten thinks I did, and all of my close friends think this wasa step that needed to be taken a long time ago. Still, te built in family guilt is after me. I love my mom. I love punk. But I don't like them. And I don;t like the way I feel when I deal with them.


Friday, October 16, 2009

You found me

Well, the pre-wedding stress level is at medium about now. The sewing isn't done but we have everything else purchased. I have begun packing for the honeymoon and am currently wondering if it is physically possible to fit all of our luggage into the Aveo we rented. I hope so, ir some of it eill be in the front seat me with me. And I pack a tight suitcase (its why there are irons in the hotel right?)
In case you guys are interested, Kitten loved the kitchen. She came in from a day of fun and shopping with Guitar Hero and kept going, "wow. oh wow. No, really, wow." both of her parents were really happy that I did it too. They think a fresh start is good for her.

We got moved back into the bedroom and I am lovign the privacy, the nicy comfy, supportive bed frame and the fact I don't have to go so far to the bathroom every night. The awesome walls and warmth from the new insulation aren't too bad either. I need to get pictures of that up some time.

We have a new addition. Kitten's dad called us when we were working the other day and said he found a little forlorn kitten on his front porch. She was riddled with fleas, and is no more than a month old, so we took her in and she is our pride and joy right now. Her little back legs are lame, she walks on her knuckles, but we're trying to teach her how to walk properly. We'll have to get her to a vet soon. Kitten names her Purrsephanie. It's perfect for her. In addition we've started letting our strays come in and out as they please, and the spend most of the time sleepign on the bed with us. We love it. Our flea med budget will have to go up, but honestly, they keep us so warm at night they might actually help lower the utility bill!

I'm currently reading a new book, its called "The Agony and the Ecstasy" its a fictional (but we;; researched) novel about the life of Michaelangelo. Its riviting. I am not normally a huge historical fiction fan, but this one might actually change my mind. I have a hard time putting it down.
I might actually get made a manager at work soon. Its about time after 3 years. Keep your fingers crossed.
That's me rightnow.
And now some pics to entertain you:

A picture of our pretty new kitcen. No more ugly tuscan theme. Bright clean lines and vintage adverts. I'm looking for a Felix the cat clock. You know the kind, with the moving eyes and tail...?

That's Purrsephanie, in the front of Kitten's hoodie, well its the front because she turned it around to cradle the baby. Spoiled right? But beautiful....

Thursday, October 08, 2009

They have never felt your hell

Right, so another day off another epic house task for me to conquor. Silly, since I haven't gotten the others done yet, and I need them done for my wedding. But this one is important to me.

I don't know if you'll recall a few years back my area of the country had a terrible ice storm. It was awful. I went 19 days with no power. Anyhow. During the ice storm Kitten and her former partner were living in the home we are in now. Towards the end of the storm there was an accident in the house that led to Kitten being severely burned and in the hospital for a really long time. It wasn't Kitten's fault but she's never forgiven herself and she wears some pretty heavy emotional (and physical) scars from the accident. Well, every time Kitten is in the kitchen she remembers. The girls she works with tried to come and clean it up but there's only so much you can do with soot on the walls. The kitchen never got cleaned up.

The other night I was scrubbing at the walls trying to make a dent while Kitten hung crown moulding with her dad. When she saw what I was doing she started crying. I decided to give her a fresh start today.

Guitar Hero came and picked her up this morning and all day I have been redoing the Kitchen with the help of Perpet and Brown Chicken. Its gone from a tuscan theme to a black and white vintage art/1950's style kitchen. She hasn't made it home yet and I hope she likes it. I took off all the cabinets and painted them and the walls and the baseboards. Everything is new. Except the fridge and the stove, of course.

I've got my fingers crossed it will help her heal. You never really get over things like that, but I want her to feel like she's starting over with me.

Friday, October 02, 2009

I just want to be closer to you

I've been busy. And sick.

Sick for only a few days. Some random virus that kept me throwing up near constantly and ended up with me getting an IV (ouch!) and a few bags of fluid and some awesome nausea medication that had me completely out of it within 5 minutes of ingestion. It also put me out of work last saturday and sunday, not someting I really enjoyed. But I'm better now and I can get back to working hard this weekend to make up for it right?

The wedding is something like a month and six days away (no, I'm not counting.) I've got the flowers done and they are lovely. Well, all but the fresh ones, which I obviously have to do that day. Kitten is helping me with the sewing and I am hoping we'll get it all done on time. Guitar Hero has built us a lovely trellis that we'll be getting married under, I likes it a lot. I think there's a debate as to whether it will get painted white or left the wood color. I think we're favoring the wood color. There seems to be no doubt that we'll be keeping it and planting roses alongside it in the spring so they'll climb the trellis, which I think is charming.

I think just about everyone is coming to the wedding, although we are having a hard time getting Earth Girl over to the house to run through the ceremony. Perpet has been over for a good "stitch and bitch" session as she calls them, and we also went together to go buy the flowers for the ceremony. We did the same thing we did for shopping for her wedding, which consisted of exclaiming over pretty things and then wondering when the two of us became so girly its painful. Not that I mind the girly anymore. Most of our friends have responded and I am glad they are coming. I am not sure whether Aunt Priestess and Lovey are coming and I sincerely hope they'll be able to.

I'm also anxiously awaiting my new Boline (a knife) and Chalice coming in the mail. I ordered them a week or so ago and I am on pins and needles wanting them to hurry up and get here. Kitten is making my altar table for me ( a wedding gift of sorts) and I am so excited about it.

Speaking of coming in the mail, I ordered a bedframe yesterday and I can't wait! I'll get to sleep up off the ground, which excites me a lot. We'll also have room for storage containers, which is something we're going to need very much.

Of course, me ordering the frame means we got the floors for our bedroom in, and we started the polyeurathane last night. Coat one is almost dry and I'll get to finish it up later tonight I think.

Kitten and I did some shopping this last weekend and I'll have to get some pictures of the pretty new dress she bought me. It was so beautiful, I almost cried when she told me I could get it. She got some new dress shirts and a lovely orange silk necktie that matches one of my evening gowns for the honeymoon. She looked so lovely I had to bite my tongue in the store. It made me proud, I have such a lovely wife.

Hope everyone is hanging in there. The first cool breezes of fall are in my neck of the woods. Hope you are all enjoying the sutumn as well.


Thursday, September 17, 2009

Late morning lullaby

Well, I'm back in town.

We had a fantastic time at the concert. I think Brandi Carlile may be in position to bump Ani Difranco as my favorite musical artist. Her style was amazing. She did part of her set unplugged and it was breathtaking.

The trip up was nice, even if I was a little stressed out from working right up until we left. I was sick most the time we were gone. I hads my first migraine in months. I'm not sure what triggered it, but I had a good time anyhow.
We went to the Kansas City Zoo. It was beautiful. I was hot as hell, and I felt like crap, but Istill had a good time. They had two absolutely beautiful vultures (I know, I'm weird) and I watched them in complete awe. Probably my favorite part of the zoo. That and the sea lions.
In big news, I finally finished my dang novel. I'm going to start looking for a lit agent and see if i can't get published. I hope I can. I think I am a decent writer, even if this poor blog never seems to reflect it.
I got the walls in the bedroom finished and we are working on the floors tonight. Soon, I hope, I'll sleep in my new room. And Guitar Hero can move in. We're looking forward to that.

That's me....

Oh! Pics!

Kitten and Guitar Hero at the concert

Me and Kitten at the concert.


Sunday, September 13, 2009

Pink is my favorite obsession

I've had a very productive week. I have the room almost completely painted, so I'll be able to put up pictures pretty soon. I had a moment of paranoia that the pink dots would look rediculous, but they are just as adorable and whimsical as I had hoped. My new bedroom will be a sweet fantasy. I can't wait to move back in and escape.

I've stalled out on making the capes for the wedding, but I'll probably do that later in the week, since we are going to a concert tomorrow in Kansas City, Mo and I'll be out of town for a few days. No time to work on the floors this week, so we'll sew instead.

Speaking of concerts I get to go see Brandi Carlile tomorrow. She's a new favotrite of mine, and I think it'll be fun. We're going with Guitar hero. I'll probably have pics of that too.

That's about my week.

Oh, go check out Aravis this week. She's talking about her new school work and there's some great stuff on old english...


Monday, September 07, 2009

If you wonder about the spell I'm under

I've been out a while haven't I?

Kitten and I have been working hard on our bedroom. The floors are finally re-braced sowe can put int he hardwoods, although its looking like that won't happen until next week. I've got the walls painted blue, so all I need now is to touch them up and add the pink dots and we'll be almost done. We've been at it since July and I won't lie, I'm looking forward to having my bedroom back. I'm looking into purchasing a bedframe (one with drawers underneath) and I would rather liket o suprise Kitten with it at Christmas...hopefully. I think I've found one I like.

In other more fun news- we're having a handfasting cerecmony before we leave for Florida. I thinks its wonderful, and we're very excited. Earth Girl is going to marry us, and its likely we'll do it in our back yard. Just a few people, you know, not a lot. We contemplated not inviting our mothers, but in the end decided it would be better if we did. FFelt guilty about leaving them out of the closest thing we'll have to a wedding. Kitten's mom gave us her blessing this last Thursday, very graciously, and I was thrilled. She seems to like me very well. Apparently she asked Kitten when I was going to relax and open up to her. I told her to be patient. I'm a bit intimidated still by her mom. She's a very intelligent woman, and rather no nonsense, and Kitten's improving relationship with her is wonderful - I'm terribnly afraid I'll say something stupid and muck it up. But I do like her.

My mom didn't take the news with quite as much grace. She artfully changed the subject when I asked her blessing. I'm not suprised. She does want to be at the ceremony though, so more power to her, I suppose. She is more than a little upset that we're having a "pagan" ceremony (as though we'd have a minister come marry us?) but hopefully she'll overcome. I can hope... She was harping on me again to go to church with her this past week. Its not going to happen. I told her I supported her in her faith because I know it gives her comfort, and that Ihoped she would start supporting me in mine.

Kitten and I are handmaking our wedding clothes. She's wearing a black broadcloth suit and I'll have a lovely red silk dress. We're also both wearing hooded capes. Hers red on the outside and black on the inside; mine the opposite. Hopefully I'll have pictures of our progress soon. We're making Earth Girl a white and bronze one as a gift for marrying us. I think it will be lovely.

So I'm pretty happy at the moment. I've felt that more and more lately. Its a good thing.


Tuesday, August 25, 2009

You make me feel like a candied apple

Wow. Now this is just a fascinating one to have for a writer's block question isn't it? What makes me feel sexy?

Wearing leather
Running around in Kitten's boxers
High heels
having a good hair day
kisses in the morning
kisses before bed
being told I am sexy (well, it does)
a nice fitting pair of jeans
getting really dirty
swimming, or doing anything in the water
walking slowly in the rain
stretching out on my bed
walking into a room and noticing people are looking at me
tall boots
anything black
wearing fedoras
taking pictures when I'm all dolled up
long evening gowns
a torn up pair of blue jeans and a tank top
leaning up against the porch just as Kitten pulls in the driveway
slow dancing in the living room
low lighting

I'm sure there's other things.What about you?

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

Self preservation is a full time occupation

Right. I think anyone that knows me knows I tend to fall on the feminist side of the political spectrum as far as personal beliefs go. I'm a little bothered. Someone that used to be a mutual acquiantance of mine and Perpet's (well, and Color of Saukura for that matter) posted on his blog about how he was drawn into a discussion about women's clothing and how they shouldn't dress in such a way as to give a man sinful thoughts. He notes that although there are some people who fall in the middle of the road most people either believe either 1) women should consider how they dress or 2) they should be able to dress as they like and men should mind their thoughts. This person fell into catagory one.

For the most part, I think I fall into catagory two.

I'll say this, i'm trying to be fair about things. I can see how he feels as far as thinking sexual thoughts when a woman is dressed in provacative clothing. I won't lie, a woman in provacative clothing makes me think naughty thoughts too. BUT a beautiful woman in a long skirt and a blouse is just as likely to do that for me. See, sometimes I think that the brains that run the attached pair of nice legs is just as sexy. We live in a society that sells sex. Its common. That's the long and short of it. And men and women are both objectified as sex objects in modern society.

Here are the questions I ask myself when I consider the question: (for the record, I'm going to stick to the topic of women because I like women, but its equally likely to insert "man' here too, I get that)

Why is the woman dressed in that manner? How do I feel when I am dressed in a manner that makes people, or might make people, think things like that about me?
Why do I think what I think? Do I believe that is the woman's intent - to make me think sexual thoughts?
Is it wrong for me to have sexual thoughts about someone I find attractive?
How do I act in response to these thoughts?
Is it the woman's fault I think those things when I see her?

To be honest, I can't give the motivations for a woman I don't know. When I dress in a short skirt or a pair of tailored pants or a skimpy top or whatever I normally do it for myself. See, sometimes looking like that makes me feel good about myself. Appreciative glances are gratifying, and I know that I am an attractive woman because of those glances. Of course, most times I know that anyway. Sometimes I do it because it gives my partner or my friends pleasure to see me all dolled up. Its shallow, I admit, but its nice to be out with my beautiful partner and my beautiful friends and know that we all look good. Its a self esteem boost.

When I see a woman dressed provacatively I normally just appreciate it. Beautiful women are fun to look at. They are. Now, every now and again do I have thoughts that go beyong "wow, that's a cute outfit" Yeah, I do. But normally that's with people I know. People I appreciate as people and not as someone hot. That might take me out of the discussion right there. You see, I find it difficult to find someone sexually attractive that I don't like or respect. So I might be removing myself from the problem. When I was single and I went out, yes I was looking for someone I was attracted to and looks figure into that. But if I get her on the dancefloor or at my table and she's dull or has no opinions the poor girl has no chance, however pretty she is. Brains are the sexiest organ after all. As for what I think the woman is thinking? Let's be honest, some women dress to impress. They want to be admired. Hell, I do. But I also think its really unfair to say they dress with the intent to give people sexual thoughts. Maybe they jsut want to feel good. I think in our society its dangerous for a woman to go out with the intent to seek sex. Well, anyone for that matter. And I think that me saying "she wanted me to think that" or "she should have known I would think that" is a slippery slope that leads to "she had it coming, its the way she dressed, not me" when someone does something inapproproate.

So here's the question: Is it wrong for me to have sexual thoughts about someone who I think is attractive because of how they are dressed? I don't think it is. First, humans are sexual cxreatures by nature. We are. Its a natural impulse and while I might have those thoughts and think "you know, that's probably not something I should think, since I'm married/ seeing someone/ a monk/ whatever" its how I govern that impulse that counts. It comes down to the first part of the question: Is it wrong to have sex, is it wrong to have sexual thoughts? I don't think so. I think its terrible that people villify sex as something dirty or wrong. Sex is something beautiful and its something special when done right. I won't even say that sex has to be something that only takes place between committed partners to be beautiful. I have a very, very close friend whom I have had relations with and honestly, I think she's a beautiful intelligent woman. But she and I don't want a relationship. I honestly think (and she may correct me on this point) sex between us was a really awesome way of expressing our love as friends to eachother and while it might never happen again, I am not sorry I did it. I think we're better friends for it. And no, I don't sleep with all of my friends. I don't sleep with 99% of my friends. She was a special case. I'm glad now I did it. But the point is, sex should be special and beautiful and I think its when all you care about is getting off, regardless of the feelings of your partner, that's when you get into dangerous waters. There is noting wrong with sex. There is something wrong with objectification. Every person exists as more than just an object for sex.

When I have thoughts like that, its how I react that I think is important. And I think I'm okay if I act in an appropriate manner.

I don't believe its the woman's fault I think like that. Now, I am not so naieve as to say a woman doesn't know when she looks beautiful that people might look at her in lust. But I will say I don't think there are many women out there who set out with the intent to give people thoughts of a sexual nature.

You know, a lot of this comes down to situation. If I go to a club I plan on seeing women I find attractive. They'll be there. If I go to a church, I don't expect short skirts. If I'm walking down the street, well its a toss up isn't it?

Here's where I diverge from the person I linked to. This person comes at it from a religious standpoint. He feels like the woman is responsible for drawing the man into sin and should be responsible for the way she dresses. I'll say this, if you practice a religion where it is your faith to dress modestly and cover yourself, then you should follow your faith. That's why its your faith. On your own head be it if you disagree with your own doctrine. But I also believe that if you believe its a sin to have sexual thoughts about a woman you aren't married to then you remove yourself from as many situations as possible where you might sin. And then, if for some reason you do sin, you ask forgiveness. It is your choice to wander the paths of lust. Thinking "Wow. she's gorgeous" isn't a sin. Following up in your head with "I want to do X, Y or Z with her" is your fault and you should control your impulses. Acting on them after that, that's your fault too. It takes two to tango. I think I am just as responsible for how I dress as for how I think. AS for his discussion about partners: if my wife is in jeans and a shirt, I think she's sexy. If she's in a dress, I think its sexy. She's my wife. I hope I think she's sexy. Sex isn't a sin. Now, if I don't like the way Kitten dresses, you know what, I might say something, and its her perogative to say she will or she won't and if she doesn't consider my feelings, well, maybe she isn't right for me. But, its her decision. Right?

I'm rambling now. So I'll get to the point. If I wear a short skirt, I wear it for me. And if I look good, look at me, and you can appreciate it. After that - your thoughts and your morals are your own. And I can't control that.

Saturday, August 15, 2009

Put our service to the test

I have some more pictures with which to beore you and some interesting life updates to make you say "does she ever let anything be easy?" and some even more boring updates about the vacation. There's a brief synopsis. Now you know how far you want to read, eh?
That's me, at the beach (well, lake) getting sunburnt.
That's Kitten and Guitar Hero lounging on the beach blanket enjoying the sunshine. I think I was sitting above them smoking and drinking root beer.
That's me and Kitten in the lake, enjoying ourselves very much.

That's me Kitten and Guitar Hero playing on some of the playground equipment at the lake. This is why we get along, we all do crap like this. I've got loads of pictures like this one: us on the monkey bars, us in the treehouse...its nice to know I'm not the only completely immature one in the group....

That's Weasley. He's new. Another stray. Soooo cute. And to my horror, declawed. Someone threw my big boy out. But he likes me and he like to cuddle. So he stays. Jinx is a little jealous, she will overcome it I am sure.
Right those are the pictures.
Well. So we went to the lake and had a fabulous time while we were there. We all got sunburnt. Even Kitten. But it was nice. We spent most of the day in the water and I've been exhausted for the last two days because of it. More exercise then I've had in ages. Kitten isn't a very good swimmer, so I was really impressed with how much she was in the water and not on floaties like everyone else. It was good. It reminded me why I probably ought to quit smoking. I like to swim and its harder when I am out of shape and my lungs are begging for mercy.
Kitten and I have asked Guitar Hero to move in with us. We offered her the back bedroom to stay in as long as she likes. I know it sounds odd since we're still in that honeymoon period and Kitten and Guitar Hero used to see eachother but I figure things will work out. I trust Guitar Hero. If they were going to fool around we'd have known it by now, and I think they'd have talked to me about it. Or they wouldn't haev split up in the first place. Second, Guitar Hero really respects our relationship, she actually sat me down and told me how much one day. She didn't have to, you can tell when she's over. Speaking of that - she's over all the time. Her college is in our town and she's been commuting to it for four years (she's working on a master's now) and she lves an hour and a half away. We figure its a good investment for her and for us. She's up two or three nights a week minimum anyway. Until she gets a good job or whatever it will be easier for her to stay with us and she won't have to worry about money for a while. We like the idea.
And now for boring honeymoon talk. We're calling the vacation our honeymoon, cause really, that's what it is. We're doing a private binding ceremony before we head out. I think things will work out well. The 90 day mark was earlier this week and I got to start making all of our dinner and recreation reservations. I called the itenerary planner to let her know where I was and see if she could book some other things for me yeesterday. She *apologized* for me having to make any calls at all. She was seriously distressed over the fact I made my own dinner reservations. She also seemed seriously distressed that our seating at Cirque du Soliel wasn't good enough. She called me an hour later to proudly inform me she got us the "best seats in the house" (front row of first balcony, dead center - you can see the acrobats really well) with no trouble at all. I was a little stunned.
I shouldn't be. This girl also has managed to arrange roses for our hotel room, customized restaurant menus (in some cases personalized with our names), Personalized keepsake maps to get us down to florida, back to home and around on the property with no trouble, champagne and wine sent to our tables for free when we go out, and special recognition at all the places we visit as newlyweds. I'm almost afraid of how happy and helpful these people are. But, it makes life easier. I won't complain.
There are some places on our (version 1 - as she noted) itenerary where there are personal notes for us like "be sure to take the ferry on this day, its faster, and in the morning, the view is lovely" or when there's a stipulation, like for the dolphin thing, where it says no cameras or jewelry, etc. she leaves a note "but I'm sending a cast member down with a photopass camera so we'll get some pictures of you anyway." Its cool. Frightening but cool.
So what's new in everyone else's world?

Monday, August 10, 2009

Sending Out an SOS

If you could go back in time and give advice to your younger self what advice would you give?

As one of those people who confesses that they would never go back and change anything that has ever happened to them this is a great question. Going back in time and giving myself advice would take on a whole new meaning. I wouldn't say "don't take that first drink" or "don't go there that night" or "Say good bye tonight, this is the last time you'll see this person" I have to think in the context that I would still act in the way I did when I was younger.

Things I would tell myself:

You should appreciate everything that happens to you, good or bad.
People are going to wrong you. Its not your fault.
You're going to wrong other people. Learn to live gracefully with your mistakes, and sometimes your regret.
You may do things other people want you to even if you don't want to. Learn your motivations and your needs.
Forgive yourself
Forgive others
Family is inescapable. Learn to love them for waht they are, not what you want them to be
Soemtimes its going to feel like there is no way out, there is - and its not usually the way out you're looking for. Be grateful for it anyway.
Remember everyone's opinions can change, even yours.
Learn to be patient
Hapiness is something you work for sometimes
Love is something that won't feel like work, even when it is.

There's surely other things I would say to myself, but I can't think of them now. What would you say to yourself? What would you say to me?

Sunday, August 09, 2009

We wouldn't have to eat Kraft Dinner

So I broke down and got a livejournal accout and i think I'm going to make an effort to use their writer's block prompts for a while as a way for getting back into writing. Now normally I'd assume it would promt writing and not thought. Not today, though....

You just won a million dollars and you have to give all of it away. What would you do with it?

A million dollars anymore wouldn't seem like it would go that far, would it? Anymore it's like a pittance. But think what you could do with a million. Lets say we get a million tax free. And we have to give it away. All of it. Without stipulations?

I'd buy my mom a house. One of her own, pretty decent sized and I'd pay her utilities for ten years. So about $24K for utilities for ten years and another 100k for a decent house in a nice part of our neat little midwestern town. Call it a round $125k then.

I'd give another $125K to our local libraries for reading enrichment programs and literacy training programs.

$250K to the local women's help shelter. They are always crunched for numbers and do so much good work. In the last ten years, its rare for a room to be open. It would be nice to help them expand.

$125K to our local zoo, for expansion and research$125K for diabetes research $125K for our local AIDS testing center for funding for free testing adn education programs in our community

$125K to our local Habitat for Humanity for building new homes in our area for disadvantaged families.

I'm out of money now and have plenty of other places to put it. What would you do?


Monday, August 03, 2009

I am writing our history on the bedroom wall

Right. So I've spent a week being completely negligent about the blog, and I'm sorry about that. I got distracted. We've been nesting in the most nesting way possible.
Kitten and I have been remodeling the bedroom in our sweet little house. It sounds like it wouldn't be that bad really. We had three days of Kitten off work and our darling friend Guitar Hero over to help us. (By the way, that girl has grown on me. Not even grown - She's adorable, there's no not loving her.) Anyway, so it sounded like a simple plan, right? Tear out wall, put up insulation, put up drywall, install new windows, spackle and paint, in goes the new ceiling fan and you have an awesome bedroom. Right?
I'm betting you can guess its never that easy. You know, having worked in the construction field, I should have known it wasn't that easy.
Last Monday was hot as hell and Guitar Hero got over to the house about five or so. I had a raging migraine and was instructed to lay down and then later cook dinner if I wanted to be helpful. The girls didn't want me wearing myself out. Slightly off-put at the thought of being treated like a delicate flower, I lay on our bed (now in the living room) and pouted till I fell asleep. I woke feeling much better, cooked dinner and planned on being massively helpful the next day.
Tuesday Guitar Hero had school and I worked until three. After we got started on tearing out more walls. It was awesome. Kitten had to go pick up a bunch of stff from the hardware store, so Ifelt like I was really helpful that night. We had an easy dinner and then drank some brandy and root beer that Guitar Hero brought and played poker for a until about midnight.
Wednesday we put in one new window, ripped up the carpet (which was toast and had to be thrown out, because of all the crap in it from demo) put up roofing felt and then put in the new insulation. That was a hell of a night. It got really hot in the room because of the insulation, I imagine it will be awesome in the winter.
A shot of whisky, more poker and we went to sleep.
Thursday we changed the outlets in the bedroom and reached an impasse, the floor is sinking in one spot (the house is quite old, built in 1921 or so) and we have to jack up the floor before we can do anything else so we haven't made it any further. It looks as though we might be in the living room for another week before we can get it done. Guitar Hero left for St. Louis on Friday to go do a mural for some rich lady's house (she's an artist) and we are eagerly awaiting her return. Not just because she'll be a huge help, but because we honestly miss her.
Work for the rest of the weekend was dull. Its hot as all hell right now and the air conditioning is off, because we can't bear to waste the money running it with the bedroom unfinished and leaking air out all its surfaces. I worked on refinishing the floor today but it looks as though we'll have to put new hardwoods down, the old ones have been completely destroyed by the previous owners. Even if i could get all the paint and muck up off the floor and sand it, there are areas terribly pock marked and it'll be cheaper, and a better investment, in the long run to put new ones in.
The plan for painting is lovely. The ceiling is going to be a sky blue, the walls a lighter blue than that, with two colors of large pink shadowed dots on it, with the darker blue dots as accent. I'm sewing a tapestry to create a false wall along one side for privacy when we have guests, as the only bathroom is adjoined to the master bedroom. It'll be nice when its all finished, I dare say.
In other news, Jinx has a new friend. I'll have pictures of him up shortly, I am sure. He's a giant yellow tabby that we've seen several times before. He doesn't want to go away and no amount of shooing or jinx growling will remove him from our porch. Yesterday he climbed all over me, and allwed me to pick him up. I discovered he has no front claws, and it amazes me that so many people will neglect and throw out animals when it is convinent to them, with no thought of how it will hurt the poor animal. This morning I found the both of them on the porch, Jinx on the little towel we've laid out for her to cuddle, the other on our porch swing. They've passed the afternoon in peace, and I assume they've resigned themselves to eachother;s company. We named him Weasley, and he's a swet cat. Lord, we're pushovers when it comes to animals.
Kitten plans on using all our leftover hardwood to build them a kitty condo for the front porch so they have somewhere to sleep when it is cold and wet. Bless her, and she was so adamant about not feeding the strays a month ago....
Anyway, that's my distractions for the last week. i've got some pictures as proof of my industry, below.
Hope all's well for you. And hopefully not as hot as we are here.

The bedroom, before.

The window out, and rain clouds approaching, don't be fooled. It was still hot.

The walls after being torn out. There was drywall and slats behind it, so it took a while.

Guitar Hero (left) and Kitten (right) in front of the newly installed window, insulation in the background.

Guitar hero installing roofing felt.

Me, installing roofing felt.

Kitten, resting herself in front of the lovely new window, and looking cute doing it.

Me, installing drywall.

Sunday, July 26, 2009

Make a turn for the camera

Well, I haven't posted a load of pictures in a while, so I thought I would show you what I've been up to in my spare time lately...

This is me and Kitten at the local zoo.

This is Kitten feednig a giraffe for the first time. There's a silly one of me too, but she looks so collected. You can tell I've just jumped back because I've been slobbered on.

This is a random shot of me sitting on the ledge of the conservation building at our locala zoo. There's some monkeys out on that island out beyond where I am sitting and there's tons of fish and birds below it.

This is a picture I took at the local park with the water feature in it of my Kitten looking awfully cute. We were drying out from a romp in the water feature.

This is us together (obviously). Guitar Hero took this one. The sunshine was glorious that day. I got a bit of a tan, even though you can't tell.

This is our indoor kitty Delylah wanting to play Cranium with us. She looks rather like she knows what she's doing, doesn't she?

Saturday, July 25, 2009

The cat came back the very next day

My life as a dj is over. I like it. I've needed the sleep.

In other, and I think more interesting, news:

We have a new cat. Well, sort of. The thing is that about a month and a half maybe two months ago our big grey cat Samson slipped out of the house somehow and he never came back. Well, we were heartbroken and we'e consoling ourselves with the thought some old lady in our neighborhood has taken him in and he's living the high life. In the mean time, I've been looking at all the poor little strays in our neighborhood with an increasing amount of sympathy. Kitten keeps telling me I can't feed them all. And then this one shows up in our back yard:

He was way worse looking at first. He had scratches and scabs all over him and he was way skinnier and looked half starved. His size though, we figured he's only about a year old. Well, I begged and pleaded for Kitten to let me feed him because I'd been calling to him out the back window for half an hour and he wasn't running away. She let me, so I took out a bowl of water and some food for him.

Rather than running away though, he dashed up and started crying at me. He rolled over immediately and let me pet him. Kitten came out and he was rubbing on her too. After we pet him he ate and he's stuck around. He was staying under our neighbor lady's tree but he's moved onto our front porch.

Over the last two weeks he's gotten fatter, and sweeter and he's healing up and starting to look like a healthy, normal cat. At first Kitten swore he was never to come in the house, but she's already making contingency plans for the winter time, so he doesn't freeze. She's even gone so far as to say if I want to risk it I can bathe him.

When she broke down and bought outdoor cat food for him and started making reference to him as our cat, I knew we had a new family member.

His name is Jinx.

I think he's kind of cute, actually.

Friday, July 10, 2009

Don't turn around (pt. 1)

Your face never had soft lines. They were always hard, and deep. Something feirce was always about you, in your smile, in your laugh, in your eyes. You were hard around the edges. I could see it. There was always something feral about you. Something untamed and wild and I loved it.

I wanted to gentle you, to break you, part of me. I never did.

I remember the night I opened the door to you, on my porch, in the pouring rain. You were drunk, and angry and hard. I could see you were scared, though you never ever admitted to that. I remember letting you in, my breath going out of me quickly - my heart pounding. I wasn't sure what to do with you. You didn't want me. I could see that, feel it in your voice. But you did need me, if only for that one night.

I remember the smell of alcohol and cigarettes on your breath as you climbed into bed beside me. I remember the sound of your breathing and you laid there, tense, as though I'd ask things from you I wouldn't have had the courage to ask for even if they had occured to me. I remember the smell of the dye in your hair and the shampoo on your neck as I laid there. The feeling of your car keys inside my pillow where I'd hidden them.

When you slept, you were soft. Your sighs and moans were soft, even if the dreams you were having weren't. Your skin was silk and velvet next to me, shivering in my pajamas and wondering just what I was going to do with you. Wondering why you had come to me of all people.

I remember the feeling of my lips on your neck, brushing your hairline as I kissed you goodnight, and the ache in my chest as I held you close to me and thought of all the things I wished I had the courage to tell you. How could I? I didn't know what you would think, I could only imagine the worst and even at that I had no idea how to say everything I felt. There weren't words for it in my vocabulary - not at the time.

I remember the tears, hot on my cheek and cold as they ran down my neck into the soft floral bedsheet between us. I remember the pain behind my eyes and the throb inside my chest, like a million tiny needles sewing me up tight as I felt myself losing every part of you and me while you slept the sleep of one who has carried more burden than they should.

I remember the hard wood of my porch under my feet and the sound of your car engine as you pulled away. Tiny splinters working their way into my feet and my ears and every other part of me that I was able to feel. There wasn't much left to feel.

The key I held was cold, the fire hot, the ribbon soft as I worked my spell for you. You were gone, you had to be, and I wasn't ready to loose you. Not then, not ever. And so I said to myself I would tie you to me. I would hold you in my heart. I would mix myself into your destiny if I could at all. I remember the smell of the inscence I burned and the rough feeling of the box I put that key into. Waiting, that was all I had left to me then.

It was hot the night I saw you again. Not just warm, but sweat inducing, breath stealing heat that stole through the bar and wrapped us all up as we danced and drank. The lights were blinding for a moment. And then I saw you again. Saw you in red and green and yellow. Saw you in the black you always seemed to wear. And you were hard still. Your arms and legs and back were hard. Your eyes sparkled with the determination to forget and to live in the moment. I felt that tie then, that key glowing in its box in my dresser, waiting for you to feel it as well.

You put your arms around me, like the night I first met you. You were glazed over and raw and you held me closer than anyone had a right to. I let you, and I held you nack and felt you moving next to me and I let myself go. The liquor, the nicotine, everything inside me set loose all in one go and you were there to catch me in the moment of freedom. And then you were gone, at the hand of a friend and I couldn't see you, couldn't find you anywhere.

I grew hard. Colder on the inside. And I remembered why I wanted to be that way. I remember thinking to myself of snow falling in my chest and ice filming over my eyes. And I went home, and let the icicles come down on my pillow and I slept while I waited for you.

Wednesday, July 08, 2009

I want to be the one to walk in the sun

The last week has been rather uneventful, with the exception of the fact we were rather busiers at The Speakeasy over the last six days. Its almost time for the college students to come back and I am grateful. I think I am improving at my job. It makes me happy. Last night our website developer and all around technology guru Knowsit (because I swear, and I'm not making fun, he seems to know everything) told me I've really hit my stride as a DJ and that made me very happy.

The Fourth was a bit of a let down for me. I worked at both jobs so I didn't do much that was interesting, and seeing as how I live in the midwest surrounded by three very big sporting lakes within a short drive...yeah, no one was out and about. Everyone was shooting off fireworks and enjoying the holiday far away from the city. Of course, it was on a saturday so we were staffed for a big night. I spent most of the evening watching our bartenders and door guys sneak outside and play with these huge sparklers as long as my legs. It was cute.

Last night we had a rugby team that was from Whales in the bar. Apparently they come every year. They were a lot of fun. And they wanted to sing. All night. I loved them. And they were very sweet to me. I liked it. At the end of the night though they were all running around the bar with their shirts off shouting "no shirt Tuesday!" a joke started by one of our now-bartenders that they took with a little more seriousness than I think was intended. I nearly choked on my cigarette when I saw Benz, our bartender last night, shouting from across the bar "Put your pants back on!" A fun night.

I see that Massachusetts filed a suit against the federal government today in response to the Defense of Marriage Act (DOMA) this won't be the first one they've filed, but I can keep my fingers crossed that they are more successful. You can look here for the AP article on the lawsuit. I'm not nearly as concise as they are, although I'll be following this one a closely. In other gay marriage news, federal judge in California set a new lawsuit intending to overturn Prop 8 on a fast track for hearing. That'll be interesting. It feels like time for a change. I hope so....

Brandi Carlisle is coming to a big city near me for a concert in September. I think Kitten and I might go, we might take some friends along too. Its nice to have activites to go on. I feel morelike I have a life than I have in years. I keep thinking that its terrible to ask off of worka nd I'm betryaing my employers and then I think to myself, no I have plenty of time to work and not so muchtime being young. I've wasted a lot of the last two or three years working all the time and having no fun unless it was past 11pm and before 3 am so I had enough time to sleep. Surely part of why I've been healthier lately is I am getting out of doors and enjoying the sunshine and exercising and doing things with my friends that have nothing to do with drinking or smoking and everything to do with enjoying being myself.

Four months until The Honeymoon with Kitten. I'm excited.

Oh, and Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince is released in theaters next week. Squee! Did anyone else read that Rupert Grint had swine flu? I thought I saw that on the AP last week...

That's me in a nutshell. I'm off to do laundry and be a happy housewife.


Monday, June 29, 2009

Put on your pretty lies

I haven't posted in over a week, I feel like I'm slacking!

I've been busy. Between work and work and life. Last week Kitten's Aunt Em came to visit and it was fun, but i am glad to have the house back to myself. There's something nice about beign able to run around the house in your underoos or nothing at all and not worry about bumping into anyone. The house was getting messy too. I didn't have time to clean, beacuse we were out doing stuff all the time. I have to admit I never realized how private a person I was until I had to share the house. I felt really unsociable most of the week. I wanted to sleep a lot too, that never helps. But working two jobs is tiring. Especially when one keeps you up late....

Kitten bought me a ring. Its beautiful and I love it. I'll be taking pictures and putting it up shortly. I totally girled out. It was sweet. I could go on forever about how happy I am but you get enough of that. I'll spare you.

Work at the club is still going well. I think I'm getting better. This is the first time I have ever had a job where I feel the constant need to improve. I like it. Its stress, but in a good way. My boss likes me and all of my co-workers are awesome.

My life at Casa Bueno is not so great right now. My scheduling manager has cut my hours big time as punishment for me getting another job. The hours suck and I'm not making a whole lot of money. I hate that feeling, like I'm not contributing much. I am contemplating quitting, but that won't help money matters until I have another job in hand, so I'm there for the time being.

I've had quite a bit of drama from Kitten's ex and her friend this last week. It was making me angry, but I'm to the point now where I can laugh about it. It seems Ex has finally started to remember all of Kitten's redeeming qualities and she misses her. She has started texxting her and trying to spend time with her, telling Kitten she can "try to be nice" to me if she can hang out with her. Her efforts at being nice to me are minimal at best, and Kitten is putting her out at every turn. She came up to The Speakeasy the other night while I was working with Kitten's friends. Kitten ignored her most of the night. We were going to go on a float trip with Ex and some of Kittens other friends, but we've decided not to go. I can't get off work and Kitten won't go without me. They've spent the last week trying to convince her to leave me being and either sleep in Ex's tent or to bring along one of her former paramours. Its not working. I'm pleased Kitten is demonstrating so much loyalty to me, and she's plainly told them to stop disrespeccting me. Another thing I very much appreciate.

One of her other old flames just broke up with her girlfriend and came up to the Speakeasy on Saturday to convince Kitten that I'm nothing special and she should sleep with her, because "it was nice when they were together" Kitten told her she wasn't even going to consider hurting me like that. The girl asked her what was so special about me. Kitten told her plenty, I suppose. She left the bar crying. This is how it works though, isn't it? It seems that way. You make a commitment to your partner and suddenly all your former lovers want you back and every person who ever considered you for a date before comes out of the woodwork.

Its nice to be secure in a relationship. My girl is beautiful and engaging. I'm proud to be with someone so sought after. And even more proud she's happy having chosen me.

Politically, I've been trying to keep up with the news (difficult, since I don't spend as much time on the computer as I had been and we don't have TV anymore) and it seems like things aren't improving as much as everyone would like. I always had a presentiment that President Obama would be a one term president. I think I'll be right about that. It doesn't seem we're doing too well diplomatically, and I'm frankly nervous about North Korea. We'll see how that turns out in the next week or so, I suppose. And Domestically, well, lets say his backing of DOMA was not one of my prouder moments for him. And they've made some changes to smoking laws that are going to rub me the wrong way. Say all you want about it being bad for my health, its my choice, and I'm irritated that the FDA is running the tobacco show. There's rumor that all flavored tobaccos are going to be outlawed and I think that's just silly. They're touting the changes being made as huge savings for the country in healthcare, but Ihave to wonder how putting specialty tobbacco companies out of bbusiness will do anything for our already pathetic economy.

That's about me for now. Everyone else holding up okay?


Thursday, June 18, 2009

Bring the beat back

The new job is going well, but you know, its not really as easy as I thought it would be. I mean, the music and the soundboard are easy. Its the making people happy that's difficult. And you know, I'm not good as far as people skills go.

A typical night for me:

8:30 Set up equipment. Turn on televisions. Wrestle with input cord for video.

9:00 turn on music. Make mental note of what's playing. Set out karaoke books on tables.

9:15 Sing first song of the night to a nearly empty bar.

Play random upbeat music, but not the really popular stuff, not just yet. Encourage people to sing. Mention drink specials every twenty minutes or so.

10:30 Play a guessing game with a slightly fuller bar. Warn people that at midnight when they're drunk enough to sing I'll start running out of time.

If bar seriously full, make drunks play with hoola hoops for free shots. Laugh my ass off on the inside.

11:30 Play cupid shuffle. Dance with lots of drunk girls. Steal back fedora you wear every night from a drunk who thinks its cute.

Start playing the really popular music.

Midnight: Sing cheers theme song with a full bar. Start getting lots and lots of karaoke slips.

12:25 Argue with a drunk who wants to sing a song that's already been done. Tell them you won't play Cupid shuffle again just because they got there late.

12:45 take payoff from someone who really wants to sing but didn't get to the bar in time or waited too long and wouldn't get to sing otherwise. Listen to them swear they're awesome. They suck.

12:50 Tell obnoxious drunk you don't care if they know the owner, you still aren't moving them up in order unless they pay you off. You don't care if they're Barrak Obama's best friend. Tell people they can't sing if they don't have a slip in. Remind them the bar closes in ten minutes.

12:51 Tell a random drunk they can't sing. The bar closes in ten minutes.

1:00 Play closing song. Listen to eight people whine that they want to dance. Try not to mention they've been there all night and not danced one time yet.

1:15 break down equipment, save one michrophone. Call over speakers tabs that haven't been paid.

1:30 smoke with boss. Watch as bouncers throw out drunks. Laugh. Listen to bar gossip about customers for the night. Share your particularly annoying patron stories. Enjoy the collective staff eye roll at the idiocy of drunks.

1:45 Have a bouncer walk you to car.

Its not so bad. I just have a seriously low level of empathy. And I get more people making passes at me than I ever have in my life. Its weird. I have some deliciously funny stories for you. I'll have to make a go at those later this week.

Off to work now.

Sing a song for me.


Friday, June 12, 2009

Put a Record On

Sorry about the hiatus. I have a good excuse. I promise.

I got a second job. I'm a karaoke DJ in one of the clubs downtown - its called The Speakeasy. Its a lot of fun but thenights do tend to run together. I seem to be decent at it and everyone likes me. I'm the only female DJ they've ever hired so I'm flattered about that. I'm getting the hang of things. I think. Its only week one, though, right?

In other news my boss at Casa Bueno is mad I got a second job so my hours there have been cut. It blows. I need the money otherwise I wouldn't have gotten a second job, right? *Sigh*

Oh. And Kitten's Aunt M is coming to town for a few weeks. She's staying with us. I've been cleaning like a crazy housewife but she just sent me a message saying she's getting in at 3:30 this afternoon and not 9 tonight. I'll never finish the laundry in time.

My mom called me this morning and was delighted (no, really, she sounded it) to tell me my brother Punk has been hanging out with Plush at the bar they like to go to. Apparently Plush has a new girlfriend and she was passing out pills to everyone at the bar. Great. A drug dealer. Just what he needs. Someone tell me its not my fault.

His other, very nice, girlfriend, dumped him after he showed up at my second job on my second night drunk off his ass and her in tow (I think she was designated driving for him) and tried to get me to be physically affectionate with him and tried to convince me I needed to come back to him. No nothing doing, of course, I told him if he needed to talk that my phone is never off and he can get ahold of me when I am not on the clock and trying desperately to learn how to do my new job. He sent me about twenty texts over the next two days wanting to know why this poor girl had gotten pissed and dumped him.

Tell me this isn't my fault either.

Other than that I think all is right in the world.

I lvoe my job. I love my Kitten. Yeah. Life is good.

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

They stabbed with their steeley knives but they just can't kill the beast

I know its been a while since I've gone psycho political in one of my posts, but I think I'm long overdue. And I think that its a particularly timely post for me as a person.

California. Good job. You sure told us. Congratulations on passing that gay marriage ban.

I can't believe it. I really can't. You know, for being held in regard (in my part of the country, at least) as the most liberal state in the union, as the place for all the pot-smoking, vegetarian, anti-cigarette smoking hippies to gather nothing annoys me more than to see Prop. 8 being upheld. Its silly. I don't understant the reasoning behind it.

Is my love for kitten any less valuable than anyones love for their heterosexual partner? If so, why? Hell, for that matter, is my love for Kitten any less valuable than the love I had for Plush? I don't think so. I think it matters more, not less. I'm happier now than I've been in years and its because I'm in love with someone who understands me, cares for me, and wants to work with me to build a happiness together. Is my life better for being with a woman instead of a man? Yeah, I think it is.

I know at one point or another in my blog I've written and said its really about the personality. I could love a man just as easily as I could love a woman. That the person and not the sex is what mattered. I want to state for the record, I was wrong about that. I tried with Plush, I really did. But you know what? It didn't work. Personality differences aside, and that certainly was the crux of our relationship problem (we weren't well matched) I want to get into bed every night next to someone and it feel right. I want it to feel natural and comfortable. And after all the time I was with him that one thing never changed. I never felt right in bed. I never felt right during sex. I never felt right looking at him undressed. It horrified me. And that's not his fault. Its not anyones fault. I just don't like men. And I think it took me a serious attempt at trying to be with one that proved to me once and for all, I'm a woman loving, hard core, can't stop thinking about her lesbian. I am. and I think there is nothing wrong with that.

That said, what I have with my Kitten now, what many of gays and lesbians and transexuals have with their partners now feels natural and healthy to them. It makes them happy. And I think that every person deserves their chance at happiness. And at love. We live in a world that is too devoid of that emotion. We live in a cruel world that doesn't feel enough, care enough, empathize enough. I think that in this world that we live in the idea that two people, regardless of who or what they are, being told that their love is wrong or unnatural or evil is plain silliness. And its thoughtless. Who'd right is it to tell anyone they aren't allowed to be happy? I don't believe that happiness is a human right. I don't. Yell at me if you will. Because of our natures as humans I don't think anyone has the right to sit back and say "Okay, make me happy. Its my right." No. Not at all. But I think you have the right to make your own happiness if you want it. And no one should stop anyone from that, so long as it harms no one else.

So here's the essential point: How is it hurting anyone? Really. Answer me these questions (and I know that I'm probably preaching to the choir here, but for arguments sake)

Does me having the right to marry damage any heterosexuals relationship? How does it hurt it? If you operate on the conservative idea that gay marriage damages heterosexual marriage somehow I want to know why. Does a strong, healthy heterosexual marraige suddenly go on the rocks because a gay couple moves in next door and marries? How strong and healthy was it really? How valuable was it if my ability to love another person somehow makes your love less valuable? And how valuable is any marriage if its allowed to be annulled or a divorce granted? So many strait couples marry and divorce without ever thinking of the priveledge they've taken for granted.

How does it harm a child to see two people of the same sex love eachother? Is it any more damaging than seeing a healthy functioning strait couple? I don't think it is. I go back to the point prior. There isn't enough love in this world. I think everyone, regardless of age should be exposed to as much love as possible. As for public displays of affection? I think kissing and hand holding in public is great. Anything more than that? I think strait and gay couples should keep it in the bedroom. There's a difference in my mind between honest, genuine affection and filth in public and everyone, regardless of orientation should be aware of that line and not cross it.

What about the couples that were already married? Their marriages are still valid. Why? What makes them better than me, now? Because they were faster? They got to the courthouse sooner? I don't understand. Why not annul their marriages too? I honestly think the truth is because the state got away with this by saying it was a legal ammendment to a state constitution without addressing the idea at all that maybe the ammendment itself violated some precedent of human right and dignity.

I want to know how my love makes me a second class citizen. I want to know why it is more important that I'm kept in my place than be allowed the simple pleasure of sharing my life with someone I love, and sharing my name with them as well. I want to be able to own a home with my partner and own property with my partner and never have to worry that she or I won't be able to take care of the other should one of us fall ill. I want to be able to visit her in the hospital and take her to the doctor and not have to sit in the waiting room wondering because I'm not her sister or her husband.

I know a lot of people will argue that if I love Kitten it shouldn't matter whether I'm married to her or not. I know that the argument will come up that if we want to share our lives together we either will or we won't. But I feel like I should be allowed the tradition of publicly expressing my love for her. I want to wear my wedding dress and walk down an aisle and meet her there and show everyone I know that I love her. And I don't want it to be a "ceremony" or a "vow exchange" I want it to be a wedding. I don't want to have to elope to a backwater hippie town that will preform the ceremony in a garden off a hotel for me in later hours. I don't want to have to drive to massachusetts or iowa (by the way, go iowa!) to get married and when I get married I want to be able to go to any state I wish to live in and have it recongnize me as Mrs. Kitten or Kitten as Mrs. Giovanni and not have to start splitting up insurance payments and IRAs and all that crap all over again just because we're both women. Its not okay.

And spare me, please, spare me th religious arguments. I don't want to hear them. Not because I don't respect any religion or its ideals or anyone's right to practice and believe what they want to. I think that's great. And its a huge (if slightly stretched, overstated and rarely honestly practiced) tenet of the country I live in. Everyone is entitled to believe whatever they want. Whatever they want. If they want to. But see, I don't agree with your religion. I don't agree that a loving god could intentionally create a human destined to go to hell with no choice in the matter. Do you want to worship that god? The one that made me a lesbian and then left me the choice to either be strait and miserable all my life or be gay and go strait to hell for being happy the way that god made me? I don't. And I don't think a god like that exists. And if you do, more power to you.

But there's a reason we are supposed to separate the church and the state. Your religion and mores should no more have a hand in the law than mine. And mine says I'm doing nothing wrong. According to my beliefs, everyone should marry whomever they like. But the christian right in my country doesn't agree with me. Alright. I respect your right to an opinion even if I don't agree with it. Lets agree to disagree and then I'll tell you what. Let's make policy based on social justice, freedom and equality. Lets make law based on what's best for everyone.

And here's the thing, California. It would be great for everyone. You need the money. You do. And if you had any sense at all you'd let me and Kitten and the millions of gays around the US come to your state and spend money in hotels and get married. I'll stay for a week or two and drop a five or six grand on a honeymoon in Disneyland or LA after dropping a minimum of $60 at the courthouse (but you know, I'd really like a fashionable wedding, so I want a botanical garden and a string quartet and all my family flying in to see me happily wed) You go ahead and raise your tourism taxes and make money off me. Take my money at the courthouse. Take the money I'll pay to change my name and my social security card and my driver's liscence and my passport to say Mrs. Kitten. Condemn me behind closed doors and use my money to fund new hghways or christian charities backed by the state. Issue all those tax returns you couldn't pay this year and keep your mouth shut. How's that for old fashioned american capitalism? Take my money and do what you will, but know this, there's big money in gay weddings.

I want someone, anyone, to tell me a non-religious, fact based, logical reason that my love is wrong. I want them to tell me to my face, with dignity, that I am a second class citizen and I don't have the same rights I had four months ago. Four months ago I was with a man. I could marry as I pleased, so long as it was a male and when I went out I didn't have to think about people marginalizing me because of whose hand I was holding. I had the right to share an insurance policy and a hospital room with my partner. Now I can't. Because the that I share my love with shares my anatomy as well. Tell me I don't deserve those rights to my face and tell me how my love is personally effecting you, and your strait marraige and your religion. Because I really don't believe it is.

I want to state this for posterity. And I want to be clear.

I am a lesbain. I am proud to be a lesbain. I am proud of my community. I am proud of my partner. I am proud to hold her hand in public and I am proud to share my life with her. Years from now I will still be gay. I will still be proud. There is nothing that any legislation can do to stop me from sharing my love with whomever I choose.

Years from now I'll say I was part of the new civil rights battle and I'll be proud about that too.

Today, though, I'm not proud of California.

Love to you all.