Tis The Season

I suppose its time for me to do my “Why I dread Christmas” post. I ought to preface it with the thought that I used to love Christmas. And by Christmas I mean celebrating happy things on December 25th and the surrounding days, because really, I am not that much into the Christian holiday part of it. At all. I like to wrap and give gifts, I love to bake goodies, I love to put up my tree. (I love my tree, it makes me very happy. There are times when I just sit and watch the lights glitter.)

What I do not like is having to spend time with my family. Now, this may make me a terrible person, but it’s true. Last year I was fortunate enough to get really sick at Christmas, which meant I missed the party. My Grandmother, nice as she is, can be a bit overbearing and motherly to me, sent me an invitation this year, and in the RSVP section, it says “please come this year” like I got sick on purpose. Yes, Gran, I love the flu.

This year I fully intend to make it a short visit, not much later than dinner. Thankfully, it is not at a community center this year (which is incredibly stark and cold) but we aren’t exchanging gifts this year, which highly distresses me. Now, before I start sounding all commercial and greedy, let me defend myself. When I was a little girl and my aunts were still young and (mostly) unmarried, we used to buy presents for everyone in the family. That got expensive once all of my aunts got married and had kids. Then we went to just drawing names and getting gifts for the kids. Then we went to drawing names for kids too. Then we went to everyone bringing a $10 unisex gift card and grabbing one as you left the party. This year? No gifts at all. It seems weird. That’s all.

Things I Can Expect at My Family Holiday Party (taking place this Saturday)

1. My great grandmother asking me why I am not married yet.
2. My smarmy uncle hitting on Beloved.
3. My 6 cousins and my 3 younger siblings making enough noise for me to get a migraine; with at least one of them getting hurt, breaking something, getting grounded or any combination of the three.
4. My mom getting offended at either me or someone else at some harmless comment and making a scene
5. My mom asking to say prayer over dinner and it lasting no less than 5 minutes.
6. My oldest brother showing up drunk, or high, or both
7. My uncles giving him more alcohol anyway
8. One of my aunts telling me I look like I have put on weight
9. One of my aunts asking me when I will finish school
10. My uncle L spending 90% of the evening outside smoking
11. My mom will make far more food than anyone else, because “everyone loves it” and no one will eat it
12. My mother will make a comment about my hair being too dark and hoe I “used to be so pretty”
13. My mom will make my little sister take off her glasses for our family picture, because “it makes her look prettier” and will make reference to the fact that she is chubby.
14. My mother and oldest brother will get in a fight, and make a scene.
15. Beloved will be offended by something my mother says to her, a comment most likely offensive, because my mom is good at doing that
16. My mother will ask me awkward questions about going back to church at the dinner table, I will piss her off by telling her I don’t want to go.

Sounds fun, eh? On the upside, after the party Beloved, Mystery, Charlie Brown and Stage Girl (mystery’s excellent roommate) are all going clubbing, and I will get properly drunk in an effort to forget the fact that the older I get the more I resent my family.

10 more days kids, 10 more days.

Fa la la la la….and all that junk.