Meloncholy

Well. This evenign has been quite the event.

I told beloved about Sweet and I hanging out. She didn't seem to mind that too much. Then I called Sweet and she wasn't able to go tomorrow and she invited me to go out with her tonight. I told her to call me back before she left and I would think about it since I had dinner in the oven. I asked beloved what she thought.

Probably not a great move on my part. I had been bitching because beloved has to work all day tomorrow and I have been missing her since she went back to school full time and is trying to keep a job. She thinks I am being selfish since she would be home tonight. Maybe I am being selfish.

I feel like I have a right to have new friends though When I met her, I ditched all of my friends. Granted, most of them were horrible influences. Still, I have been surrounded for the last four years by her friends, whom I have always suspected never liked me. Turns out, she asked them about it about a month ago. I was right. They hate me. So I find myself in the position of having very few friends. Most of them are men, because I tend to get along with them better for some reason.

I was overjoyed (see previous post) that Sweet wanted to hang out and the fact that she has asked me to two consecutive evenings of fun that I have had to turn down (she also asked me to go dancing with her tomorrow, which I also truned down on Beloved's account) makes me really sad. I do want to spend time with her. I'd like to spend time with just about nyone who is willing to be friends with me. I know I am not easy to bear, I am moody and full of outbursts, quirky and a little annoying.

C'est La Vie.

Is it sad I am wandering off to bed tonight in hopes of having that dream again? I keep seeing the eyes of those people and I can't seem to let it go. It is beginning to become a bit of an obsession and my need to constantly record what happens borders on the insane, really. But I will think of these dreams before bed, although I worry now they will be tempered with the problems I have had throughout the day.

I love the idea of dreaming because it is a total escape from what is real. I don't have to be me when I dream. Maybe that is why I like this dream so much, I see the image of the self I wish I could be instead of the image of what I really am. I think that I love this dream because it is so full of the fantasy and romanticism I am missing in every day life.

I am beginning to think of life as a little mundane again. Work is not new anymore, things seem to fall ionto the old patterns of living so quickly. I don't think I can stand it sometimes.

But I do, I will. And you, poor visitor, you come here and read about it.

In case I forget to tell you in the future: thanks

Lovins'

AG