Tuesday, May 04, 2010

You're going to spend the rest of your nights with the light on

This week is the busiest week of the year for me at work. We have both Cinco de Mayo and Mother's day in a five day period. I'm trying to decide if I am really excited or if I am anxious as all get out. I like being busy because it means I can make a lot of money, but I'm nervous because things tend to go wrong when we're busy. I also get stressed out, and I don't want to get a migraine because I've worried myself into peices. I'm trying to stay cool about all of it. I've got my fingers crossed.

Kitten took her EPA exam for school yesterday and she's pretty sure she aced it. I'm really proud of her. The exam is to get the certificate she needs to be liscened as an HVAC worker. It's really important. She's been doing such a great job this semester. I have to say it again. I'm really proud.

I've finished the rewrite of Hang a Shining Star. I finished it last week. Now I'm getting ready to go through and fix the little things, get it polished and see if I can start sending out my query letters. I've got a list of about 20 agents I'm going to start with. I'm really anxious about it. I think I can write a fabulous query letter. I'm planning on starting it this evening when I get off work.

Getting an agent is a huge and important step towards becoming a published author. I worry because I don't have any other published writing credits to my name, and I know that will put off some agents. I've been looking at some of the short story publications out there, and I want to start submitting to them too, but I worry that if I start failing there, I'll get discouraged. I'm stuck in the middle for that one. Another thing that worries me is that I've not been to any writer's conferences, and it seems like a lot of writers are doing that as well. Something to plan on when I have extra time, I guess.

I will say this, Kitten and my Beta have been super supportive. I know they both have faith in me. I have faith in my own writing ability. I'm trusting that the concept is great and its beautifully written. Or it will be by the time I'm done polishing. I think if I can get a partial request the writing will speak for itself.

My mom has been really eager to talk about my writing too. I don't mind, except I think she has ideas about what it's like to be a published author that aren't exactly realistic. She is convinced I'll get picked up right away, that I'll get selected for Oprah's book club and I'll make millions and never have to work again. It's hard for me to explain to her that I'll probably have to have another job all my life, even if I am a published author. Even if I do get published several times. I do have hopes of becoming a bestselling author, but my genre is difficult to get published. I've read some bestsellers recently. I keep wondering how I'll even measure up when I read things like The Diviners or Corrections. It's so different from what I do.

I've started on book #2. I suppose I should say book #2 has started on me. It wants to write itself and it won't let me go. Nevermind I'm not sur ehow I want to finish off the bad guy, or that I don't consider myself a genre writer or that I've not done all my research yet. There's just going to be blank spaces in the manuscript until I get to those things, because I'm not waiting for anything. The Muse is visiting and she doesn't stop by very often. I'll offer her some coffee while I send someone to the store for snacks.

That's my writer and waitress and bartender stress out. I hope life is treating everyone well.


Sunday, May 02, 2010

I should have made you leave your key

Alright, so I made this blog a little harder to find, but it's still here. SO I suppose I can keep posting. I'd hate to give all of you up after all this time.

Life update. Guitar Hero no longer lives with us. The short version is, the night before St. Patricks Day we laid a note on her bed letting her know how much she owed us for rent and utilities. We did this to remind her, because even though she's been living with us since december, she hadn't paid rent yet, because seh gave us $200 in december and we let it go for January and February because she had installed hardwood floors (costing about$150) in her bedroom. We figured that was fair and we should give her a break, she did just move and she's in school afterall.

About 11 that night Kitten and I had finished up spending some quality time together and I was headed in to the kitchen to get some water and hunt for some cigarettes and she was in there eeating, she'd just gotten off work. She made a comment about how she had noticed we left the note about rent on her bed. She asked if Kitten was still up. I said sort of, rather than offending her by saying soemthing like "She's awake, but she's laying in bed naked and afterglowing, could this wait?" because we all know how Guitar Hero doesn't like to be reminded that other people, even married ones, might be getting some since she isn't. She asked if she could go in the bedroom since Kitten wasn't out of bed. I told her I would go tell her she wanted to talk, but she followed me into the room anyway.

Cue akward conversation where Guitar Hero reminds us how we had told her she didn't have to pay rent until April (we didn't remember this conversation at all, ut hey - everyon's memories short out now and again, right?) So we say okay, and she says something like she doesn't want us tot hink she's skipping out on rent and she'd pay us the next month and wouldn't that be okay? We said sure and told her we wanted to sleep, since it was, you nkow, eleven and we both had to work the next morning.

open scene on next morning, where I tromp off to Guitar Heros' room to get my clothes out of the dryer for work. It's empty. I'm not talking, she's not home. I'm talking all there was in there was a stripped bed and empty bookshelves and dressers. Some of her books were in laundry baskets in the floor. She moved out in the middle of the night!

Now, I know, and you all know, she wasn't happy living with us. I have my own theories on why, but we assumed that she was going to stay until the end of the semester like she had agreed and if she wanted to move out then, no big deal, right? Well, apparently not.

So we call Kitten's buddy Welder Girl and she picks up a new set of locks for us on her way to the house, she and Kitten carpool to school together. I call Perpet from work and ask her to sit at the house for us because we know Guitar Hero is going to show up to get the rest of her stuff the minute Kitten heads out for school and I don't want Kitten missing class just so we know that she hasn't taken some of our stuff too.

Guitar Hero shows up, as expected, shortly before Kitten heads to class. She notices Kitten at the door and asks what she's doing. Kitten replys "It looks like I'm changing the locks. Give me your keys." Guitar Hero fights with Kitten about how she needs to keep our house key for a few weeks yet. Kittten points out Perpet will be there to let her in and out that day, and she can call if she needs something else.

Guitar Hero proceeds to cry (suprise. She's good at crying on command) and tells Kitten it was all so sudden and she had to take her new apartment right then, and she didn't mean to hurt Kitten and they were still best buds, right? Kitten calmly tells her she doesn't know what apartment complex she's staying in that needs her to move in between the hours of 11pm and 6 am but if that makes her feel better to say so, that's fine. And no, they aren't friends. GH says that she didn't know how to approach her about it, and it *was* sudden. Kitten tells her that we would have been nice and offered our truck and helped her move if she'd just asked, but she had to sneak out of the hosue in the middle of the night and what kind of peopple does that make us look like? GH gets mad then, and stomps to the back of the house saying of Kitten doesn't believe her it was short notice then she's crazy. Upshot of all this is, later when we weren't there GH mentions to her mom in Perpet's presence she's had her mail forwarded for two weeks. Sudden, my hind end.

Anyway, shortly after this, maybe a week or so, Kitten starts getting crazy text messages from Guitar Hero. Over the next week or so they keep up. I've transcribed them here, because it really does demonstrate the crazy (I can't reproduce all the spelling and punctuation errors, only the elipses, they drove me crazy):

Text #1:

Hey…ive been thinking of u a lot lately…hope you are doing well

Kitten doesn't respond, two days pass, then she gets this:

Text #2-6 (put together for continuity)

I just moved down the street Kitten, I had absolutely no intention to move out of ur life… I wish you would talk to me so I know how u feel about things…I don’t know what else to do unless u talk to me…You may have given up on this friendship we have built together, but dammit Kitten, I wont give up on you, Its not worth throwing away over something as menial as the move, or maybe ive done something a lot worse to deserve this from you, and I just don’t realize it…that’s why u need to talk to me so I know, I cant just forget about u and everything weve had together, I just cant…maybe u feel differently, but I think You are worth the effort and more…please don’t shut me out completely

Text #7-10

What do you want me to do? What can I possibly do to make us right again…it is tearing me apart to know that u are so incredibly angry with me…I thought that by moving out I would be able to save the friendship that all three of us had, after the disagreement with sarah…I felt more in the way…I felt like I was a problem or a hinderance to both of you…we never talked like we used to…it sucked…I thought if I gave u guys space again, everything would go back to like it was…but I guess I fucked up cause now u hate me….

Text #11-15

God, I wish u could understand where im coming from…but I guess you don’t. It was never you Kitten, we got along so well, I could see myself living with u till I was an old lady, I care about and will always love u dearly whether or not u choose to ever have anything to do with me again, but to live with a couple is so terribly akward and uncomfortable to me…I thought we could make it work…but sarah claimed her turf and I felt soo much in the way…I tried, and moving to portlandw u guys seemed like such a good idea cause I cannot see a life without u….but u and I both know that wasn’t gunna work anyways, why would a married couple want a roommate? I will just be in the way…but I could be livin down the street frm ya in a little bungalow and still see u

A side note to mention that she was planning on moving up to WA when we head that way in the next few years. I'm glad we escaped the crazy following us...

At this point the lovely Kitten sends back a text telling her 1, that she hates me and that means she hates Kitten, why would Kitten want to be friends with someone who hates her wife? 2, that she snuck out in the middle of the night like an abused wife and that's childish and 3, she doesn't hate her, she just isnt her friend anymore. Here is the follow up response, which came two days later

Text #16-22

Ok, u go ahead and be mad w me. Your message was so very angry and cruel. To tell me I mean nothing, not even to be considered a friend, after everything I did for u two….cuts so deep and hurts more than words can ever describe…and maybe I didn’t handle things the way u wanted, and for that I am sorry.There was no time to talk bc it did happen so fast. And what little time there was, I didn’t kno how to bring it up w out hurtin anyones feelings. But I am trying to talk to u now I think we are both equally confused and hurt. But what it all boils down to is, I was uncomfortable, so I moved, end of story…I never said I couldn’t stand sarah…don’t put words in my mouth and quit coming up with ignorant excuses to be so angry w me. I love sarah just as much as I love you. All I ever did was to please u both, I know ur a unit, u are soulmates…why do u think I agreed to support u and be best man?? She is ur happiness

Text #23-31

We talked after the disagreement, I thought we were ok…but I was uncomfortable around u both after that, I was afraid to do anything that might upset u both, I didnt like that feeling, I didn’t knowhat to do or say…u even said urself sarah was uncomfortable too…I didn’t want anymore fights between any of us, I wanted it to go back to the way things were when we were so happy together…I thought by moving it would save all three friendships. But since u r being such a stubborn turd, I guess I destroyed it instead, but if u still cant see how much I loved u both, how much I did for u both and not care at all….Well then u are blind and that’s a shitty shame. So im sorry for coming into ur life and fucking things up.I guess im not entitled to my feelings and opinions…I guess its all about pleasing u both and making u happy…if u don’t care about me or want to put out any effort or understanding…Well then I guess I don’t need u in my life either….i am just so very sorry and disappointed that such a good ting had to end on such bad terms.

Point of interest here, I never "talked" with Guitar Hero after the so-called disagreement. Co-workers will tell you i was joking about the fact I was counting how few words I could say to her. Week one I got by on less than 20...

Kitten tells her she isn't going to argue with her anymore and she's painting herself as the angel, so why bother. She also points out that if she is so desperate to be my friend again too, why isnt she blowing up my phone too? We get this shortly after.

Text #32-38

I am not an angel…in fact I admitted to going about things the wrong way and for that I am sincerely sorry, I never knew things would get so damned blown out of proportion…what do u want me to say?? That im a horrible two timing sneaky bitch who never cared about u two, ever?? Well, u are a god damned fool to believe that. That’s fine, u stay mad, u hate me, don’t waste time or effort on me cause I don’t deserve it, maybe I never deserved it…ur always right and im completely wrong, screw u Kitten …u said I would never hurt me again and maybe I hurt u with all this and god I am sorry…I am so sorry….but jesus, this time it hurs so bad…is that what u want to hear? Does that make u happy to kno im in so much pain? U r in the right and am wrong and deserve this treatment from u. Fuck u anna and dream world ur livin in….i am trying to reach out to u but forget it, u believe what u want.

You'll note she never mentions how she wants to be buddies with me again, good, I think, for her to stop lying to herself and Kitten...I'll also mention, because I asked Kitten about this, she apparently was desperately hurt when Kitten ended their "beautiful relationship" of two dates. But by then Guitar Hero had already fallen for her. Or something. But she decided they should be friends rather than not talk, because, you know, somthing is better than nothing. Apparently not.

I finally lose my temper and enter the fray. I text Guitar Hero that I think she still has feelings for Kitten, that she only professes to like me to get Kitten back in her life and that she is acting like Kitten was her girlfriend and broke up with her. I call her a coward for moving out in the middle of the night when she could have just told us and point out to her that she didnt like living with us because we are happy and it made her unhappy to see it because she is unhappy with herself. I told her there was no hate on Kitten's or my part, just a lack of desire to be friends with someone who resents our happiness and cant be honest with us. This is the response she sent to Kitten's phone, seeing as how I am not worthy of a text back...

Text #39-41

None of that is true….there is no feelings like that at all left for Kitten….i was genuinely happy 4 u both or else I would have never supported the marrage….dont u understand that?She was my friend, nothing more, nothing less…look, I don’t care anymore, it doesn’t matter, no amount of reasoning matters or will ever help…just please leave me alone and never talk to me again….we are done here…

I sent her back a message telling her I didn't think it was fair that she was taking her Barbies and going home now that I wanted to talk, and that I figured I got another 40 or so text messages until we were even. She never responded.

Last week Kitten dropped off a credit card statement that had come to our house for her at work (yeah, they still work at the same place. Thank heavens on opposite shifts) She returned to Kitten, a few days later, an envelope of all of Kitten's guitar music, which she had accidentally taken with her. Inside was another three page letter about how much she loved Kitten and missed her and how she wanted to be friends and she's ruined it all and she'll never forgive herself.

Wow. And she seemed so normal until she moved in.

All I can say is I'm greatful we had this incident now, rather than months from now, or years from nwo when we moved. I can say I'd become a little territorial the last few weeks she was there, but then, I think I should be the one who gets the first hug and the only kiss when Kitten gets off work in the afternoons. And Kitten had mentioned when I wasn't home she had to hide out in our bedroom and read because every time she tried to watch a movie Guitar Hero would lay all over her on the couch, or put her head in her lap or some such nonsense, and despite her protestations that it made her uncomfortable, she persisted. Twice GH tried to get her to go to "a nice dinner and maybe a movie since Sarah's at work" and Kitten declined.

All's well that ends well, but seriously, how did we miss the crazy? Maybe we wanted to think she just wanted to be friends because we liked her so much as a person. Maybe we're both blind. I'm officially running all new friends past Perpet from now on. She's got a crazy homing device. It's like gaydar, for weirdos.

And that's the drama. I'll post something cheerful soon. I swear.

Hope it entertained, at least. Lord knows I laughed over it all.


Saturday, May 01, 2010

I've got a new blog

I'm starting a blog for my two biggest loves outside of kitten, writing and reading.

Its at http://writeaskew.blospot.com

I'd love for you to check it out. I'll probably spend more time over ther. Chances are, I'll delete this blog soon.

If you want to stay caught up with my personal life, friend Alecya Giovanni on facebook. I'll need you to identify yourself in the message.

I'm coming out of my blogger paranoia and using my real name now. Most of you know it anyway.

I'll see you on the other side.