OHMYGOD. It’s a post. On AGPC. Can you believe it? And its actually me.
This hasn’t been my month. Really, it hasn’t. It seems that if things can go wrong, they will go wrong, and if its bad and it can happen, its going to happen to me. Or someone I love. Or someone I know. Seriously, you might not read, the bad vibes, I think they’re catching. How bad can it be?
I wrecked my truck. It’s a total loss. I’m going to have to take out yet another loan to get a vehicle. I’ve been begging rides off of friends and family for two weeks now.
Someone drove through the side of the restaurant I work for. No one was hurt, thank everything good, but its still a hassle. And no one likes to drive up to their place of employment and see a car parked in the middle of it.
Beloved’s grandmother died. I’ve had to go to the funeral. I’m not what you would call a funeral person. [if there is a such a thing] I won’t go into a lot of detail, to protect the privacy of my Beloved’s family, but suffice to say this was not my favorite part of our relationship, and I secretly have begun to plan things out for my own funeral so as to avoid the things that annoy me about funerals and death and dying in general. [For example, I will insist on no preachers, no sappy music and absolutely no casket. Burn me and free me. I’m not really there anyway, I say. Oh, and no one telling people that if they don’t convert to my religion I’ll never see them again. How depressing is that?]
My mother and v3.0 are getting divorced. I am, of course, a terrible daughter for not being more supportive than I am. Apparently telling her its not surprising considering she hardly knew him when they were married to each other [recap for new friends, they married a mere month after meeting each other] is not the right thing to say. I am also cold for telling her that she’s a fool for hoping he’ll come back. If Beloved [bless her, I know she’d never do this] ever packed all her stuff up in the middle of the day and disappeared I wouldn’t have her back. And if she came back, I’d tell her to go to hell. Which is precisely what I told my mother.
My family won’t leave me alone. My grandmother has pestered me endlessly since the accident. I need to go to the hospital, what if I am hurt? I had a headache three days after, I must have been injured. Its probably a bleed in my brain. Why won’t the insurance company fix my truck? It doesn’t look that bad...[without my knowledge she went and demanded to see my truck at the place I had it towed to. They wouldn’t let her so she went around the back and looked through the fence...] I don’t need to take out another loan, I should get a $200-$300 something that will “just get me to work” and not waste my time until I am out of school. I should tell my mother so she doesn’t have to. [This specifically after I asked her not to tell her, I don’t need anymore drama] I shouldn’t be working so hard. I should call my mom more often. I should take her out more. Don’t I have enough money? How much is Beloved working? And on and on and on....
And just think, I’m only halfway through the month. I should look on the bright side of things I suppose. There have been good things that have happened to me. I just tend to overlook them in my seemingly endless sea of crap.
Spinny, bless her, sent me a fabulous surprise. Nothing makes my day like having mail. Oh, I did a happy dance all over the living room when I got it. My dear, if you’re reading, I love the coloring book. Its excellent. Really, really excellent. I’d send you an email, everyone an email, but I don’t have time anymore. I’m likely posting this two or three days after I wrote it. [note to readers, I wrote this on Friday the 16th of June]
Crap! Incidentally, ST, if I am supposed to be making someone a CD, and I’ll be checking your blog, tell them I am sorry and I’ll get it out shortly. Really, life has been getting in the way of everything. If you left me out of the draw, no hard feelings. I know I’m never around anymore.
I have made myself a new friend. A real life friend. Tell you the truth I don’t know how I would have made it through the last week or so without her. Beloved, of course, is wonderful. But being trapped at home with no one to talk to and a lot on your mind is no fun. I think I have mentioned her before. She works with me. I think I may have referred to her as Rogue [like the xmen character] because of a blonde streak that runs from her right temple all the way down her back].
Either way, we’d been talking at work and really getting to know each other for two or three weeks, but after I had the accident she really stepped up. She was calling me and checking on me. She was dropping by to cheer me up. She ever came over one day when she called up to work to see if I needed a ride and heard I had gone home ill. She knocked on the door and had a magnolia for Beloved in one hand and a red rose for me in the other. She’s constantly cheering me up at work and we now have no end of little inside jokes that we giggle over when everyone else is in a bad mood. My only regret is she is 17. Probably too young for me to be companioning with, or emotionally unloading on. That’s not to say I won’t open up to her. I like her very much. And she’d confided in me and proved an excellent secret keeper up to this point. [and really, keeping a secret for a month at my job is akin to taking it to the grave, as it were] And I think about it in the context of how you lot must look at me, since, if I remember correctly, there is certainly more than one of you that are 7-8 years older than I am. And there’s a select few I’d like to think are quite fond of me, despite my inexperience and youthful naivete...
Yes, yes, I like Rogue very much. I thought at first maybe she was A Sister of the Inclination, but she isn’t. She’s dating a guy at our work. But she doesn’t seem to care about lesbians. Her two best friends are. And now me. Hmm. Either way, she’s great and I am grateful for her. I’ve talked more on my phone this last few weeks than I think I have in the last few years. Do you remember what it was like to be 17? I’m barely remembering...but its fun, what I do recall.
I suppose the point is Rogue is sweet and makes me laugh. And Beloved isn’t too terribly jealous of her. Not terribly. Rogue jokingly calls herself my underage strait co-worker girlfriend [I think she occasionally adds a few more descriptive words, but that’s the gist of it]. It cracks me up.
I did get the estimate back on my truck and I’ll get about $1200 over the loan amount, so I’ll have a down payment. Something to be happy about, I suppose. Its not much, but it’s enough if we add about half of the savings account to get a truck [and a loan] that will last a good amount of time.
I also owe a thank you to my darling girl Perpet for posting a note to all of you to let you know I am alive, even if all isn’t well. You’re wonderful, my dear, you really are. I adore you. Sorry I’ve been AWOL since Xmen. I still love you.
I’ve missed you all so much. I really have. I miss your lives and your stories and opinions and your love. Especially your love. After the last week or so I’ve realized how important it is to love, and how very little there is of it in this world. It makes me terribly melancholy to think of it.
Alright, something to entertain, other than just whine, I’ve got a good play list running right now I think. I thought I would share it with you.
1. Sonny Came Home, Shawn Colvin
2. Mystery, Indigo Girls
3. Somewhere Only We Know, Keane
4. Hurt, Johnny Cash
5. Little Plastic Castle, Ani DiFranco
6. Gravity, Embrace
7. Tears Don’t Fall, Bullet for My Valentine
8. What Difference Does it Make?, The Smiths
9. London Calling, The Clash
10. Wasteland, 10 Years
11. The Man Who Sold the World, Nirvana
12. Run, Snow Patrol
13. Let Me Kiss You, Morrissey
14. Lola, The Kinks
15. There for You, Fly Leaf
16. Iris, Goo Goo Dolls
17. Runaway Train, Soul Asylum
18. Losing My Religion, REM
Not a bad list, I don’t think. “There for You” is my new favorite song. I love it. It’s a short song. But its so frank and lovely. The harmony is hypnotic. And the line “slow dancing in your eyes” is pure poetry.
Oh, Lovey [My Aunt Priestess’s oldest girl] gave me a copy of the new Nickleback CD. I like it, even though I hate admitting it. I think their first CD was a lot of what is wrong with American rock. But I like this one.
Right. There’s 15 days worth of my life.
I miss you all. I love you all.
PS- I gave up on Ulysses. I loved Gone with the Wind. I reread The Brother’s Karamasov, Main Street and Dracula. I am wading through Moby Dick and Villette, and re-reading Memoirs of a Geisha for brain candy. In case you were interested in what’s on my bookshelf/night stand