But now that's nothing more than a memory

Well, its the new year, almost. 2009 wrapped up rather nicely for me. The last few days at work have been busier than usual ( a huge plus) and I've had a great holiday. to add the icing to the cake Guitar Hero moved the last of her stuff in today and she's officially our roomie. Yay.

You know, new years is supposed to be the time to make resolutions and reflect on the past and think for the future and all that, so a little of what I learned this year:

I lerned that if I put my nose to the grindstone I can actually accomplish things I am proud of. (like my novel, finally finished and almost done with that horrific first round edit)

I learned that sometimes you have to make choices that will hurt other people but are the best for you. Its not fun, but sometimes it has to be done. And its okay, sometimes, when you have to make that hard decision to feel both a little bit of regret and a lot of pride for doing what's right. I think this year I've done a lot of things that were hard for me, but also really right for me. If you had told me this time last year I'd be happily married, ina healthy relationship and setting realistic goals for my life and for me relationships with other people I would have told you that you were crazy. But it turns out when push came to shove I really did care enough about myself to want to be happy. And I think, honestly, for the first time I can say I am truly happy with my life and the decisions I've made for myself.

I've learned this year that a friend who doesn't love you no matter what isn't really a friend. I've cut loose a lot of people this year and I can't say I am sorry for it. I am sorry that I had poor judgement when it came to some of my friends, and I am sorry that I realized far too late what I needed to do to help myself. But Ican't be sorry I let them go. I keep happy memories to always enjoy, but it seems those are few and far between with the parties concerned.

I learned this year what a real friend is. I have a lot of people in my life right now that are supportive, loving and honest with me. And I need that. A few of them propbably should have cut me loose too, and I am glad they were patient with me and saw me through some of my worst times. I feel like I especially ought to mention Perpet here, who listened to me talk about how miserable I was for the last two years and gave me great advice, which I ignored and sometimes resented her for, but stuck it out with me and has seen me become the person I ought to be, the person I've been trying to become for the last five years. I think I finally made it, and I am proud to say I didn't loose her as a friend along the way, although by rights I probably should have. Having her stand next to me on my wedding day, the way I did with her, and knowing that I was going into a life commitment that was healthy and strong was a happy moment for me.

I learned that there is no substitute for real love, be it romantic or the love of friends. Its not somethign that can be faked, and when you have the real thing every other imitation you've known seems silly.

I learned that with my family sometimes there isn't any winning, but I can keep from losing. I've had to make compromises with my family this year that I didn't want to make but Ithink its been for the best. I love my family, but I don't always like them, and this year had been an eye opening one for me, in that I know now how to better deal with them. I've found that I have a lot of resentment towards my family, and I am trying to deal with it in the most adult manner I can. I don't know I'm always mature, but I've been trying to keep in mind my personal goals and deal with them the best I can. Its all I can do.

I think this year I've learned to set reasonable goals for myself, and I've found that they're attainable. I also have learned to never settle for less than I deserve, which is doing me a lot of good both professionally and personally. I've leanred its okay to indulge myself every now and again. I've learned that there are some things too, that are not indulgences. Thinking of myself, wanting to be happy, taking care of myself, taking time to relax and be happy are all things I shouldn't reserve for special occasions. I should be doing it all the time. And I'm doing better about it. I don't feel guilty asking for what I want, and I'm finding I am less bitter about the compromises I make, because they are honest to goodness compromises and not sacrifices on my part. I've learned what it is to come halfway. I like it.

This has been a good year for me. It really has. I'm proud of how I am doing. I like myself now. I like who I am. And for a year's worth of work? That's pretty darn good I think.

I love you all. I hope you have something happy to recall this year, and you've learned something worthwhile. Even if its something small.

Here's to a new year friends. I'm ready to move on.

AG/xx

It begining to look a lot like Christmas

I got home last night to a pleasant and adorable surprise. Kitten's dad had brought by my Christmas gift. Last week he and Cat and Teddy had come by my work and I got to sit with them for a few hours (we we so not busy) and he asked what I wanted for Christmas. Jokingly, I said feather pillows. I've been needing a new pillow, the one I sleep with is one I've had since before I left high school. Turns out he was listening. And he got me real feather pillows. the kind that poke through the pillow. Only mine have a special lining so they don't poke. Either way, it was so sweet and considerate of him to remember. When I called him to thank him he said he brought it by early because he knew I had been feeling poorly. How sweet is that?

Now, my mother, on the other hand, not so sweet. I talked to her this morning about Christmas dinner. I told her Kitten and I had talked it over (we have) and that we wanted to have Christmas dinner at our house. I tried to explain that I understood her concern about my brother and that I totally didn't want her to feel caught in the middle. I offered this compromise: We would come by, around noon, after we finished at Kitten's mom's house. We would bring presents and eat cookies and say hello and I could see my brother on Christmas and her concience would be clear. Then, in the evening, she could come over and have dinner with us. I feel its important I get to cook dinner this year, its kitten and I's first Christmas married and I want to cook for her. We wanted to spend thanksgiving alone and I gave in to my mom on that one, i figure I've earned this one.

She pretty much told me I was forcing her to have Christmas alone and how dare I hate my brother so much as to leave him out. I tried very calmly to explain that he would be welcome in my house if I could reasonably expect him to not show up drunk or yelling if him and her have a fight, or that no one be offended when I throw him out for cussing and calling my mom names in my home, because I wouldn't tolerate that.

She called me a bitch and hung up on me.

So I suppose its just me and Kitten and Guitar Hero this year. I'm okay with this, I'm getting better at being okay with being at odds with my mom. I'm tired of havng to rearrange my schedule and do everything because its how my brother wants it done or because its more convineient to him. She treats him like a husband. He's not my father. He doesn't make my decisions for the holidays. I do. Every year it seems I end up rearranging my holiday plans for him. I am not doing it any more. My mom is making the choice to spend Christmas alone. I can't feel bad about it anymore.

Tis the season

Well, its about a week before Christmas. I think I am almost worn out on the holiday. It makes me rather sad, because I normally like Christmas and I've been working hard to make Christmas something special for Kitten, because she has always disliked the holiday so much. This year, I sort of understand why she isn't so keen on it, although, honestly, she seems more excited than I do right now.

Trying to arrange family time for all of our parents seemed like it was going to be an easy thing to do. We agreed to spend Christmas Eve night with Kitten's dad and step mom. We are going to go to midnight mass with them. I am looking forward to that, because I have never been, and I heard its really beautiful. Guitar Hero is coming with us, she's very much a part of the family now. She even came to my extended family's Christmas dinner at my Grandmother's request. It was suprisingly ueventful.

Kitten's mom wanted us to spend Christmas Eve night with her, but we told her no. I think its a little too much. Kitten has been upset with her, and although they've talked it out, I still don't feel inclined to sleep in a strange house over the holidays. We're having breakfast with her the next morning, and doing her present swap then. We have to be there at nine. Its early, but she wouldn't agree to anything later. I'm nervous about that. Kitten is supposed to be cooking. Kitten's sister, Cat, said a few years ago they were both 15 minutes late and she had a meltdown. Yikes. But hopefully we can get in and out and get back home to ourselves for a while.

Here's the big troule. We were going to have my mom over for dinner Christmas day night and I was going to cook dinner. It was easier. My brother was supposed to be going to Vegas with his girlfriend, but that didn't work out. But my mom just told me that this morning. Which means he is going to be there. We've already made plans that Guitar Hero will be with us at our house because we want her there, and she'll be moving in shortly, and because I think she'll need the break from her family too, honestly.

Now my mom wants us to come over in the evening and just have a few snacks and stuff because she doesn't want to cook. Trouble is, I want to cook Christmas dinner. But I don't want Punk at our house. Partly because I don't trust him and partly because I've been making progress with my mom and I don't feel like moving backwards because I have to kick him (and subsequesntly her - his ride) out of the house because he is cussing or screaming at her. I don't want to put up with that. Also, he will make it a habit of showing up drunk and raging at me every time he is angry with mom. You can see why I might not want him to be familiar with how to get to my house.

So what do I do? Skip me cooking dinner and go over there? I offered to drop the presens by and visit for a while so I could see him and then she could come over for dinner later. She already said he had plans for later that night. She doesn't think that is fair to her. I don't know how, but it apparently isn't . She won't settle for anything but us coming over and spending the whole evening at her house. Which is tiny. It was crowded with just four of us at Thanksgiving. We all had to sit in the floor to eat. Our house would be much more comfortable, and she wouldn't have to spend money on cooking. But she isn't hearing me. What do I do? I'm going to talk it over with Kitten, but I have a feeling none of us will be happy with whatever the solution will be. Mom has already pulled the "well, if you want me to spend Christmas alone, I guess I will, and better get used to it since you're going tomove away and abandonme soon anyhow" card. She's mad my Grandmother is going to visit her sister in Kansas City for the holidays, and thinks its unfair she won't have anyone to spend it with, although I know she and one of my aunts are having lunch and a movie on Christmas Day.

I'm stuck again. Bleh.

Casa Bueno didn't throw us a Christmas party this year, and I'm in charge of organizing the unofficial party for this Sunday. Its stressing me out because the place we all agreed to go wants a $40 deposit and honestly I don't have the $40 sitting around unused. I might hit a few of my co-workers up for the money tonight, we'll see.

Kitten's Christmas paarty for the Happy Waffle is this Monday, and I really don't want to go to it either, but she doesn't get her Christmas bonus if she doesn't go and I want her to get the bonus. I won't leave her to go by herself.

Yeah, I'm not so much for the holidays anymore, they're a huge pain in the tail.

A Partridge in a Pear Tree

November passed in a haze. Thanksgiving was uneventful. I made a pot roast for me and Kitten and her mom. We played Scrabble. Nothing of note really there.

Last week Kitten's sister Cat got married to her sweetie Teddy. I was happy for them. They're really sweet. The wedding went well and she looked beautiful. I was pleased and surprised that they insisted I was in all the family photos. It made me feel both loved and accepted. It meant a lot to me.

Christmas is just around the corner and I'm happy to say I've got nearly all my shopping done. It's awesome. I just need to get a few stocking stuffers for Kitten and Guitar Hero, and to pick up one last thing for Cat and Teddy and we'll be all set. Kitten is making our stockings. Mine is pink flannel with Snow White on the front of it. It has my Initial and a line of pink ribbons across the hem of the top. Its beautiful. We're all getting princess stockings this year. Kitten gets Aurora and Guitar Hero gets Cinderella. She was giving us a hard time about the princess stockings so we went and got her Christmas Disney Princess wrapping paper for all her gifts.

Kitten caved now that Guitar Hero has the back room done so we get to put up a Christmas tree as soon as we find the key to our shed. We've misplaced it somehow. Oops.

That's about all that's new and exciting here.

xx/AG