But now that's nothing more than a memory

Well, its the new year, almost. 2009 wrapped up rather nicely for me. The last few days at work have been busier than usual ( a huge plus) and I've had a great holiday. to add the icing to the cake Guitar Hero moved the last of her stuff in today and she's officially our roomie. Yay.

You know, new years is supposed to be the time to make resolutions and reflect on the past and think for the future and all that, so a little of what I learned this year:

I lerned that if I put my nose to the grindstone I can actually accomplish things I am proud of. (like my novel, finally finished and almost done with that horrific first round edit)

I learned that sometimes you have to make choices that will hurt other people but are the best for you. Its not fun, but sometimes it has to be done. And its okay, sometimes, when you have to make that hard decision to feel both a little bit of regret and a lot of pride for doing what's right. I think this year I've done a lot of things that were hard for me, but also really right for me. If you had told me this time last year I'd be happily married, ina healthy relationship and setting realistic goals for my life and for me relationships with other people I would have told you that you were crazy. But it turns out when push came to shove I really did care enough about myself to want to be happy. And I think, honestly, for the first time I can say I am truly happy with my life and the decisions I've made for myself.

I've learned this year that a friend who doesn't love you no matter what isn't really a friend. I've cut loose a lot of people this year and I can't say I am sorry for it. I am sorry that I had poor judgement when it came to some of my friends, and I am sorry that I realized far too late what I needed to do to help myself. But Ican't be sorry I let them go. I keep happy memories to always enjoy, but it seems those are few and far between with the parties concerned.

I learned this year what a real friend is. I have a lot of people in my life right now that are supportive, loving and honest with me. And I need that. A few of them propbably should have cut me loose too, and I am glad they were patient with me and saw me through some of my worst times. I feel like I especially ought to mention Perpet here, who listened to me talk about how miserable I was for the last two years and gave me great advice, which I ignored and sometimes resented her for, but stuck it out with me and has seen me become the person I ought to be, the person I've been trying to become for the last five years. I think I finally made it, and I am proud to say I didn't loose her as a friend along the way, although by rights I probably should have. Having her stand next to me on my wedding day, the way I did with her, and knowing that I was going into a life commitment that was healthy and strong was a happy moment for me.

I learned that there is no substitute for real love, be it romantic or the love of friends. Its not somethign that can be faked, and when you have the real thing every other imitation you've known seems silly.

I learned that with my family sometimes there isn't any winning, but I can keep from losing. I've had to make compromises with my family this year that I didn't want to make but Ithink its been for the best. I love my family, but I don't always like them, and this year had been an eye opening one for me, in that I know now how to better deal with them. I've found that I have a lot of resentment towards my family, and I am trying to deal with it in the most adult manner I can. I don't know I'm always mature, but I've been trying to keep in mind my personal goals and deal with them the best I can. Its all I can do.

I think this year I've learned to set reasonable goals for myself, and I've found that they're attainable. I also have learned to never settle for less than I deserve, which is doing me a lot of good both professionally and personally. I've leanred its okay to indulge myself every now and again. I've learned that there are some things too, that are not indulgences. Thinking of myself, wanting to be happy, taking care of myself, taking time to relax and be happy are all things I shouldn't reserve for special occasions. I should be doing it all the time. And I'm doing better about it. I don't feel guilty asking for what I want, and I'm finding I am less bitter about the compromises I make, because they are honest to goodness compromises and not sacrifices on my part. I've learned what it is to come halfway. I like it.

This has been a good year for me. It really has. I'm proud of how I am doing. I like myself now. I like who I am. And for a year's worth of work? That's pretty darn good I think.

I love you all. I hope you have something happy to recall this year, and you've learned something worthwhile. Even if its something small.

Here's to a new year friends. I'm ready to move on.

AG/xx