Thursday, April 16, 2009

The Coffee Is Just Water Dressed In Brown

Hi again. I want a happy post. Something to make all of us laugh, or at least say right on. I've been debating posting this, but I think I will. I will say this, I want to write a book with this in it, so if you post me around, or whatever please give me credit. (this is more to a stanger who might stumble here than anything. I know none of my lovelies would pritate my dry wit)

So at Casa Bueno we have a running list of things that make us absolutely crazy. Someone suggested it would make a great book and I got the ball rolling. We've been writing these down for about a year or so now, and I love them. I think every waitress can relate.

WE call it

The Server Manifesto

1. We love children! The restaurant doubles as a daycare at no extra charge.

2. Servers are independently wealthy, so tipping is optional.

3. The best tips we receive are religious pamphlets! In currency exchange it is enough to pay the rent.

4. Server, waiter or waitress is modern day slang for slave.

5. Servers do not speak any languages. We only respond to shaking of glasses, snapping of fingers and/or whistling

6. Servers choose to work in the industry for the exercise. So, please, as for one thing at a time. My feet will thank you for it later.

7. When your server is speaking to a table other than yours, please try to carry on a conversation with us. We love to be interrupted.

8. Don't worry, your order will be out in one minute. We have a magic microwave in that at a push of a button makes your food appear.

9. "Dr. Pepper" is always an appropriate response to "Hi, how are you?"

10. Ask my advice. Don't take it. Ask my advice again. Really, don't take it. I just work here, I don't know what I am talking abot.

11. Move a chair into the isle. We have dedicatd ourselves to improving our agility. And blocking fire exits teaches us to think critically.

12. Your children are precocious. We adore it when they order us around. Its very adult. The bossier they get the smarter we assume they are.

13. "Please" and "Thank you" are antiquated perfunctory courtesies. Please feel free to disregard them. Thank you.

14. Special orders keep our jobs interesting. We understand if you have food allergies, but we love it when you're just plain picky. So go ahead, customize tha order to your tastes.

15. If you have a group of more than ten, please don't call ahead. We like suprises.

16. We have all gone through extensive training to be maids so we don't mind cleaning up after you.

17. When you go out to eat, please don't worry. You will be the only table your waitess has.

18. Waitresses have no feelings. As automatonic drudges we are perfect for humiliation, degredation and general verbal abuse.

19. Late inthe evening or afternoon feel free to stay as long as you like. Servers have no lives and waiting to clean your table is the highlight of our social existence.

20. If a restaurant closes at ten it is perfectly acceptable to come in at 9:55 and stay for a few hours.

21. We love vomit. Servers are immune to disease and don't mind of you bring in your children and they puke all over teh table. We like to clean it up. The smell is awesome.

22. Refills on soda are complimentary. It is completely acceptable to drink three two-litres worth of soda in one thirty minute meal. Go ahead and double fist those puppies!

23. Every bar serves bottomless alcoholic beverages. Please ask me for a free refill on your margarita. I'll grab it for you, and I'll go ahead and call liquor patrol for you too.

24. The kids menu probably says 12 and under. I know yo're 40 but i'lllet you order from it anyway. Cheap customers are the nest customers.

25. Congratulations on your gastric bypass surgury. That $25k tookyou from a fat nobody who was marginalized to a skinny winner who can take back all that lost dignity. Be rude to me. I don't mind. I'm proud of you. Your good looks were hard won, after all.

26. Your server doubles as your cook. Blame them for long cook times and food errors. Don't tip them either. Its all their fault.

27. Ask for something extra. Do you have one roll and six butters? Ask for more butter. You need it, don't you?


I will say that not all customers are like this, not even most of them. But the ones that come in and do things like this? Its the stuff that ruins our day. I hope anyone out there in food service enjoyed that. It was cathartic for my coworkers and I....

Love you all


Queenie said...

Ha, "antiquated perfunctory courtesies" indeed. I'm going to send this to my friend who's moving to France to be a waitress. On second thoughts, maybe I don't want to worry her... I hope you get some nice customers as well as all these poor specimens of humanity!

swisslet said...

Queenie - at least in France waiting is recognised as a proper profession, unlike in the uk.

I worked as a (silver-service!) waiter for a few weeks when I was a student, and it was probably the hardest job I ever had and certainly the lowest paid. I never saw the damn tips either. I take my hat off to you and to your colleagues AG, and I try never to take waiting staff for granted.... not least because you should never fuck about with people preparing and serving your food...