They stabbed with their steeley knives but they just can't kill the beast

I know its been a while since I've gone psycho political in one of my posts, but I think I'm long overdue. And I think that its a particularly timely post for me as a person.

California. Good job. You sure told us. Congratulations on passing that gay marriage ban.

I can't believe it. I really can't. You know, for being held in regard (in my part of the country, at least) as the most liberal state in the union, as the place for all the pot-smoking, vegetarian, anti-cigarette smoking hippies to gather nothing annoys me more than to see Prop. 8 being upheld. Its silly. I don't understant the reasoning behind it.

Is my love for kitten any less valuable than anyones love for their heterosexual partner? If so, why? Hell, for that matter, is my love for Kitten any less valuable than the love I had for Plush? I don't think so. I think it matters more, not less. I'm happier now than I've been in years and its because I'm in love with someone who understands me, cares for me, and wants to work with me to build a happiness together. Is my life better for being with a woman instead of a man? Yeah, I think it is.

I know at one point or another in my blog I've written and said its really about the personality. I could love a man just as easily as I could love a woman. That the person and not the sex is what mattered. I want to state for the record, I was wrong about that. I tried with Plush, I really did. But you know what? It didn't work. Personality differences aside, and that certainly was the crux of our relationship problem (we weren't well matched) I want to get into bed every night next to someone and it feel right. I want it to feel natural and comfortable. And after all the time I was with him that one thing never changed. I never felt right in bed. I never felt right during sex. I never felt right looking at him undressed. It horrified me. And that's not his fault. Its not anyones fault. I just don't like men. And I think it took me a serious attempt at trying to be with one that proved to me once and for all, I'm a woman loving, hard core, can't stop thinking about her lesbian. I am. and I think there is nothing wrong with that.

That said, what I have with my Kitten now, what many of gays and lesbians and transexuals have with their partners now feels natural and healthy to them. It makes them happy. And I think that every person deserves their chance at happiness. And at love. We live in a world that is too devoid of that emotion. We live in a cruel world that doesn't feel enough, care enough, empathize enough. I think that in this world that we live in the idea that two people, regardless of who or what they are, being told that their love is wrong or unnatural or evil is plain silliness. And its thoughtless. Who'd right is it to tell anyone they aren't allowed to be happy? I don't believe that happiness is a human right. I don't. Yell at me if you will. Because of our natures as humans I don't think anyone has the right to sit back and say "Okay, make me happy. Its my right." No. Not at all. But I think you have the right to make your own happiness if you want it. And no one should stop anyone from that, so long as it harms no one else.

So here's the essential point: How is it hurting anyone? Really. Answer me these questions (and I know that I'm probably preaching to the choir here, but for arguments sake)

Does me having the right to marry damage any heterosexuals relationship? How does it hurt it? If you operate on the conservative idea that gay marriage damages heterosexual marriage somehow I want to know why. Does a strong, healthy heterosexual marraige suddenly go on the rocks because a gay couple moves in next door and marries? How strong and healthy was it really? How valuable was it if my ability to love another person somehow makes your love less valuable? And how valuable is any marriage if its allowed to be annulled or a divorce granted? So many strait couples marry and divorce without ever thinking of the priveledge they've taken for granted.

How does it harm a child to see two people of the same sex love eachother? Is it any more damaging than seeing a healthy functioning strait couple? I don't think it is. I go back to the point prior. There isn't enough love in this world. I think everyone, regardless of age should be exposed to as much love as possible. As for public displays of affection? I think kissing and hand holding in public is great. Anything more than that? I think strait and gay couples should keep it in the bedroom. There's a difference in my mind between honest, genuine affection and filth in public and everyone, regardless of orientation should be aware of that line and not cross it.

What about the couples that were already married? Their marriages are still valid. Why? What makes them better than me, now? Because they were faster? They got to the courthouse sooner? I don't understand. Why not annul their marriages too? I honestly think the truth is because the state got away with this by saying it was a legal ammendment to a state constitution without addressing the idea at all that maybe the ammendment itself violated some precedent of human right and dignity.

I want to know how my love makes me a second class citizen. I want to know why it is more important that I'm kept in my place than be allowed the simple pleasure of sharing my life with someone I love, and sharing my name with them as well. I want to be able to own a home with my partner and own property with my partner and never have to worry that she or I won't be able to take care of the other should one of us fall ill. I want to be able to visit her in the hospital and take her to the doctor and not have to sit in the waiting room wondering because I'm not her sister or her husband.

I know a lot of people will argue that if I love Kitten it shouldn't matter whether I'm married to her or not. I know that the argument will come up that if we want to share our lives together we either will or we won't. But I feel like I should be allowed the tradition of publicly expressing my love for her. I want to wear my wedding dress and walk down an aisle and meet her there and show everyone I know that I love her. And I don't want it to be a "ceremony" or a "vow exchange" I want it to be a wedding. I don't want to have to elope to a backwater hippie town that will preform the ceremony in a garden off a hotel for me in later hours. I don't want to have to drive to massachusetts or iowa (by the way, go iowa!) to get married and when I get married I want to be able to go to any state I wish to live in and have it recongnize me as Mrs. Kitten or Kitten as Mrs. Giovanni and not have to start splitting up insurance payments and IRAs and all that crap all over again just because we're both women. Its not okay.

And spare me, please, spare me th religious arguments. I don't want to hear them. Not because I don't respect any religion or its ideals or anyone's right to practice and believe what they want to. I think that's great. And its a huge (if slightly stretched, overstated and rarely honestly practiced) tenet of the country I live in. Everyone is entitled to believe whatever they want. Whatever they want. If they want to. But see, I don't agree with your religion. I don't agree that a loving god could intentionally create a human destined to go to hell with no choice in the matter. Do you want to worship that god? The one that made me a lesbian and then left me the choice to either be strait and miserable all my life or be gay and go strait to hell for being happy the way that god made me? I don't. And I don't think a god like that exists. And if you do, more power to you.

But there's a reason we are supposed to separate the church and the state. Your religion and mores should no more have a hand in the law than mine. And mine says I'm doing nothing wrong. According to my beliefs, everyone should marry whomever they like. But the christian right in my country doesn't agree with me. Alright. I respect your right to an opinion even if I don't agree with it. Lets agree to disagree and then I'll tell you what. Let's make policy based on social justice, freedom and equality. Lets make law based on what's best for everyone.

And here's the thing, California. It would be great for everyone. You need the money. You do. And if you had any sense at all you'd let me and Kitten and the millions of gays around the US come to your state and spend money in hotels and get married. I'll stay for a week or two and drop a five or six grand on a honeymoon in Disneyland or LA after dropping a minimum of $60 at the courthouse (but you know, I'd really like a fashionable wedding, so I want a botanical garden and a string quartet and all my family flying in to see me happily wed) You go ahead and raise your tourism taxes and make money off me. Take my money at the courthouse. Take the money I'll pay to change my name and my social security card and my driver's liscence and my passport to say Mrs. Kitten. Condemn me behind closed doors and use my money to fund new hghways or christian charities backed by the state. Issue all those tax returns you couldn't pay this year and keep your mouth shut. How's that for old fashioned american capitalism? Take my money and do what you will, but know this, there's big money in gay weddings.

I want someone, anyone, to tell me a non-religious, fact based, logical reason that my love is wrong. I want them to tell me to my face, with dignity, that I am a second class citizen and I don't have the same rights I had four months ago. Four months ago I was with a man. I could marry as I pleased, so long as it was a male and when I went out I didn't have to think about people marginalizing me because of whose hand I was holding. I had the right to share an insurance policy and a hospital room with my partner. Now I can't. Because the that I share my love with shares my anatomy as well. Tell me I don't deserve those rights to my face and tell me how my love is personally effecting you, and your strait marraige and your religion. Because I really don't believe it is.

I want to state this for posterity. And I want to be clear.

I am a lesbain. I am proud to be a lesbain. I am proud of my community. I am proud of my partner. I am proud to hold her hand in public and I am proud to share my life with her. Years from now I will still be gay. I will still be proud. There is nothing that any legislation can do to stop me from sharing my love with whomever I choose.

Years from now I'll say I was part of the new civil rights battle and I'll be proud about that too.

Today, though, I'm not proud of California.

Love to you all.
AG/xx

Bibbity Bobbity Boo (A boring vacation post)

I'm really beginning to think I'll bore all of you with all my pictures and rantings of being so happy. But, you know, its better than the emo stuff I've been up to the last few years. no more woe is me. Or I'm keeping it to a minimum.

The short version of the last week is I worked, I went out with my friends, I took a road trip yesterday. Like Kitten and I have the last few times we've had a day off together. We went to St. Louis yesterday. Specifically to see the zoo. I'm a big zoo fan. I'll admit it. And she'd never been to theirs so we had a super nice time.

After we went to a park that surrounds the zoo and has lakes and museums and trails and in general lots of grass to roll around in and enjoy. I did. Very much. Took off my shoes and everything.

I've been sitting at the computer all morning working on plans for the trip we're taking in November to Disney World in Florida. I honestly don't think we're going to get to do everything we want to in the time we have alotted. Which is sad. It never occured to me that 8 days in Disney World would not be enough. But its not. For one thing, we get to eat free in all the restaurants. We don't have enough time in the day for all the places I/we want to eat at. So I'm narrowing it down.

We also get a massive amount of free tours with our package, and I'm trying to work out which ones I can take on what day. I kow for sure I want to do Dolphins in Deapth (its playing with the little critters, how fun) and the other Aqua Tour, where you get to scuba in Epcots gigantic aquarium, "The Seas". There's a 7 hour tour of all the parks that gets us a peek into the Utilidors (the underground workings of the theme parks - the stuff of Disney junkie Urban Legends) There's also a tour for The Animal Kingdom that puts you in with the animal hospital and feeding areas and stuff. We have tickets to go see Cirque Du Soleil La Nouba. I'm excited about that. There's also three dinner shows I want to go to.

Have I bored you yet?

On top of that we get all the recreation and instructions free. Parasailing, Skiing, Wakeboarding, Canoeing, Horseback riding, cairrage rides at sunset. Free golf. Free tennis. I can rent sailboats and paddlebaots and monatauk whalers. The whole nine yards. Plush guiding bass fishing excursions and bike riding and....you get the idea.

We also have reserved seating for the fireworks shows, a evening fireworks cruise, spa treatments for free, all sorts of stuff.

And that's on top of all four parks in the magic kingdom, plus the waterparks and the nightclubs.

I'm almost afraid we'll be more tired when we come home than when we leave. But it'll be worth it.

We decided to drive down, too. Airline tickets are so stupid expensive and we like to drive together. It'll be fun.

She wears sensible shoes

Hmmm. This has been a good week. Kitten was sick earlier in the week and Igot a chance to play nursemaid, which I'm alright with. I liked taking care of her. And she's feeling a lot better, which is good. There's been some sort of chest conjestion sore throat stuff going around. Thank heavens i didn't catch it.

We took our Kitten Delyla to the vet this week to get fixed. She's a lot sweeter right now. I'm not sure if its a change in her personality or if she's just tired from all the painmeds. Her and Samson (our other cat) have been super cuddly. Now that they're both fixed they are allowed back in the bedroom so I've been waking up to kitty sleeping on my feet and on our pillows. Lyla likes our feet but Samson seems to think he needs to sleep on our pillows with us. We have a special pillow just for him now. Its cute.

We had more tornadoes this week too. Wesnesday night. We had a few last week (I think I mentioned them) but this time we actually had it close enough to us we drug all the cats and pillows and blankets into the bathroom and hid out with the radio. (We don't have a basement) It was a little scary. Kitten is really afraid of tornadoes so I found myself in the relatively new position of being the brave one. I liked it, as far as you can like comforting your partner while you lay in the floor and hope that a massive storm doesn't come and destroy your house, or worse. We got off easy. No damage, thank heavens. There were two separate touchdowns inside our city though, which is unusual. We live on a plateau so normally the storms go around us and hit the surrounding cities in the lower areas. I'm not so much afriad of them as I am annoyed that they wake me up and risk damage to the house. My mom's second husband (2.0) was a tornado spotter so I outgrew my terror of them when I was younger. I'm not sure its a great thing to not be afraid, but it does help me keep a level head when the fur starts to fly, as it were.

My schedule changed this week and I totally forgot about it so I missed my shift at work on Wednesday. I felt terrible about it but it ended up landing me with two days off in a row, something I haven't done since last summer when rogue and I went on our vacation thingy. It ws nice. Kitten and I went on an actual date and I had a chance to spend a little quality time with her. She's finished up with school for the semester so we'll get to see eachother more. (Hence the reason I changed my schedule. I wanted to sync our days off)

Yesterday we woke up early and went on a mini road trip to Eureka Springs Arkansas. Its only a few hours away from us and its a cute little town. Kitten had never been before so I was happy to show her a place that I love so much. We walked around town and looked at the springs and did a little (completely unneccessary) shopping. By the time we made it back to the car I had a new skirt and swimsuit. Kitten had a new t shirt and pair of shorts and we bought Blackberry Jam, an Awesome spicy buttrubb for grilling and a raspberry chipolte sauce I think will go great on pork chops, if I don't eat it on wheat thins first. We also bought about a pound of hand pulled salt water taffy, and a bunch of chocolate coated fruit, which we feasted on right out side the confectioner's shop.

We had dinner at my favorite restaurant in town, Local Flavor, and watched people pass by. (You can eat outside on a balcony, its so cool, because its next to a trolly station) Once we stuffed ourselves stupid we drove back home and continued our marathon of the L Word. We're rewatching it starting with the first season of the L word.

I was really pleased. We spent over four hours in the car together and we didn't have to turn on the radio once. I was able to tell her all about the funny things I remember from all the little towns on the way. We stopped at a gas station about a quarter of the way in and I found tootsie drops, which i haven't seen in ages and I love them.

The companionship is nice.

More pics for you to look at.

Me and my beloved tootsie drops. Found them in a gas station in a little town about halfway there.

Me at one of the springs in town, I don't remember the name. But they turned it into a beautiful fountain.

Kitten munching on a chocoalte covered strawberry

Me smoking outside the sweet spring.

Kitten at the sweet spring.

Sure I'm sober, sure I'm sane

Ah. Mother's Day. Busiest day of the year for Casa Bueno. And I get to work all day. I'm just all sorts of excited.

Actually, I'm not. After Tuesday I'm not entirely sure I'm ready for the madness that is going to be my shift today. So I'm sitting here, chain smoking and drinking a cup of earl grey and trying to gear up for this afternoon. Definately procrastinating on putting on my work clothes and being a productive citizen.

I dropped Kitten off at her job this morning and I don't think she was terribly excited to be there either. She is a cook at Super Waffle, and local breakfast restaurant. Breakfast places on mother's day are never fun. She was sweet and picked up doughnuts for her crew. I'm thinking I might do the same for mine. Nothing like sugar to bribe a crew into a happy mood for a long day. The coffee we all drank onTuesday rather kept us going (we brought in our favorite bews and got all jumped up on caffiene) so maybe sugar will work just as well.

I already called my mother this morning to tell her happy mothers day and she was already awake. Apparently Punk woke her up at six am wanting something. Seriously, she probably should get around to throwing him out sometime before he hits 30. But what do I know?

Speaking of mothers, I know Beloved announced on her facebook this week her and her partner Reba are trying to get pregnant. More power to her. I'm afraid I'd make a terrible mother. Best not to ruin any more lives than I already have, eh?

In other news, we had a huge storm Friday. I woke up to the sound of tornado sirens going off. At 8 am that's not hugely comforting. For some reason we normally get severe weather in the evening, so first thing just sets the day up for ten shades of no fun. On top of that I was a little hng over from the night before. Thursday tends to be our big going out night. We went to Brick Wall Bar and then migrated to The Vinyard (huge local gay club) with some of our friends. It was sweet though, Kitten called from work to check on me and make sure I was safe. I felt safer knowing she was worried for me.

I got my income tax check in yesterday. More money to put away for the vacation! Yay!

How are you lot doing? Its been quiet lately.
AG/xx

Sunshine Day

Yesterday was my day off. It was glorious. I went to the zoo with Kitten. She hadn't been for about ten years so everything was new to her. I love zoos in general so I had a seriously good time. It felt nice to be outside and enjoying the sunshine. I was a little disappointed, the elephants were already inside for the day because we went late in the afternoon. And the giraffe feeding deck was closed. (If you've never fed a giraffe and get the chance, do. Its so much fun) But the animals were really active because the weather was mild and we got to listen to the mountain lion scream for a while. That was cool. The otter had babies again so we'll get to see them sometime this summer. Otter babies are so cool.

Speaking of babies, I don't know if I mentioned Spike before. We have a groundhog that lives in our back yard. We always laughed at it because its about the size of a terrier. I named it Spike. Well, I was looking out the window of our laundry room and saw a groundhog that was too little to be spike. Then I saw three more. Then I saw Spike. Apparently, she's a momma groundhog. They's adorable. Kitten says I shouldn't feed them (I won't though I want to) and she's probably going to call the conservation department to relocate them to a safer habitat. I'll be sad to see them go. In the meantime I'm hiding with my camera every chance I get so I can snap some pictures of them.

Cinco de Mayo passed with relatively small incident at my work. I was exhausted by the time I got off. Eleven hours of drunk crazies, margaritas, radio road shows and panicked coworkers was enough for me. Now only mother's day to tackle and life should be really good. And easier.

Went on Monday to the travel agent to pay another thousand down on the trip in November. I'm really excited. Kitten and I are going to have so much fun! She's been more recently than me so we'll both get a chance to show eachother new things while we're there. So happy.

Me and Kitten together.

Kitten feeding the goats in the "contact area" (so much for petting zoos.)

Me with the tiger statue outside their exhibit

Kitten outside the reptile house, losing a fight with the gator statue.

I thought this was just too cute for words. Its my favorite statue in the whole zoo.

Yeah, I play onthe playground equipment, what can I say? I'm a huge kiddo.

That's why I feel so beautiful

I won the contest. Wow. I am so excited. And Ican't believe how many people came to hear me sing. A lot of them were Kitten's friends and that made me feel really good. Of course herEx had to show up because she was riding with one of the other girls that came. I'm proud to say that this time I was mature about everything. I didn't drink myself stupid and I focused and had a nice time. And I won. I feel really really good about myself.

As a side bonus my mom was there and she told me the morning after how very much she likes Kitten. Says she's not only supportive and good and sweet but also "the most attractive girl you've ever dated" Squee. Its nice to have her on my side.

This weekend we went out to Precious's house for a bonfire. She lives in the country and it was really really nice. We sat and listened to music and joked around and I got toplay with the dogs. It was nice. I haven't been in a position where I could go out and run around in the mud and get sloppy and wet and smell like an animal and not have my partner care. I think Kitten was amused. Hell, I was.

This week is supposed to be the hardest week of the year for us. Cinco De Mayo is a huge day for our restaurant and mother's day is following close behind. I'll be tired come next monday. I'm happy though, I like the money and I have a lot of hours this week.

I put in the 30 days notice on the apartment Plush and I used to share. To be honest, I'm looking forward to having a bit of a break from him. It's wearing me down emotionally, and honestly, being around him is the only time I ever feel really bad about ymself anymore. I'm really happy the rest of the time. He's been a bit of a jerk lately, so I'm having even more trouble being sympathetic. He wants to talk to me about how he feels, and I listen, but I don't know I'm the person he should be confiding to about our breakup. I know he has other friends. He says they just badmouth me, and he wants constructive advice. I think he needs a therapist. Not me. I mean, when do I stop being a supportive friend and start being an ex-fiancee? I don't know.

That said, life is going pretty well for me. I've got some glorious pictures of Friday night, I'll be posting those soon.

AG/xx