Tuesday, December 12, 2006

I'm going to do my best swan dive into shark infested waters

Wow. I leave tomorrow.

I leave tomorrow. Its not quite sunk in yet.

I think I'm scared. Actually, I'm pretty sure I'm scared. There's no use telling me not to be, I'm going to be anyway. I keep trying to explain it, and my terrible mood, but its not explaining well, not to anyone who'll listen anyway. My problem, I think, is I can't fathom where I am going. I can't see it in my head, I have no clue what I'll be doing. Hell, I don't even know the name of where we're staying yet. I read a school newpaper article about our trip 5 minutes ago and my knowledge about the places we're visiting doubled. Doubled. Not to mention I am headed into complete support system withdrawal. I've never, ever, been away from Beloved this long. I've never not talked to rogue this long. I am entirely unsure about how I am going to cope. I might not. Especially if I don't bond with the Bambi's and fast. I did see Looks Like Sam today and it made me feel marginally better to know that he's going to be there, she seemed nearly as stressed out as I feel, which was a comfort, misery loving company, and all that...

The plane thing...I'm still not over it, and not entirely convinced that a load of Nyquil ios going to do the trick. Still, I'll have my MP3 player with me, and Beloved bought me the book "The Devil Wears Prada" [I've been dying for some brain candy] and I'll be taking The Brothers Karamasov as well, and if nearly 2000 pages of literature, 8 hours battery life music and a deck of cards can't keep me distracted...well, there's always sleep. I've heard its nice....My mom and Punk are coming to "see me off" although I'm sure its more of a make a scene type thing. I told her not to, but she "took off work especially for me" even though I told her I'll be in nearly 2 hours of security checks and won't see her, and she won't be able to see me...ah, well. Whatever makes her happy. I'm taking a cab to the airport, I think.

I did go shopping. I got mym om, brother and grandmother thier emus, life is good. Although the mall is a nightmare I don't even want to talk about at Christmas time. I was thinking of getting beloved a build a [god complex] bear with my voice in it for while I'm gone, but it seemed a little narcissistic. A little.

I gave Rogue her emu [she entered the majority yesterday, incidentally] and I think she liked it too. She smiled, at least, and that's always a good sign.

I said goodbye to everyone at work on Sunday, and the excess hugs nearly made me ill. My little FA [did I give her a name, I don't remember, I should call her something like Cow Eyes] told me work wouldn't be fun without me...hell, work isn't fun with me, if you ask...that's why its called work. I did make a bit of a fool of myself with Rogue, telling her goodbye (I knew I wouldn't see her the next few days) I desperately needed to be reassured that I am loved and that she knows how much I care for her in the instance something happens to me. It sounds foolish, but I can't seem to shake this terrible feeling of fatality and I've been making sure to tell all the people I love that I love them so that if something does happen they know.

I've been doing the same thing to Beloved and I think its about to make her crazy....

Speaking of making beloved crazy, I was a basketcase last night, and I flew off the handle at her. and it wasn't very nice of me. I finally cracked under the stress of the trip, the stress of finals and all of the other things that have been on my mind. Poor girl, she's a champ for putting up with me, really.

I went to Preistesses a couple of times in the last few days. Beloved and Iwent and made cookies and had buffalo roast for dinner, it was nice. Beloved played with her youngest, The Itsy Bitsy Spider, and they had a nice time. I sat with Presitess and Lovey making cookies and talking mystic shop, since its the only time we get to. Lovey and I have plans to crash on the couch and watch a movie when I come home. She's good to curl up with, I love her to death, and I feel more than a little guilty I don't see her as much as I should.

I also spent some time with Preistess on Saturday [I think it was saturday...no it was friday, friday] and we had a good talk. I did a reading for her, and then I actually did one for myself, which is so rare, and I got a little bit of reassurance that I needed on some issues that tend to creep in the back of my mind and I can't get rid of...they're always there....either way, Preistss also gave me the information that she thinks I am what she calls a "split soul" meaning in most of my other lives I've had a twin, which explains that ever-present searching feeling I have, like I am looking for something I've lost, its a part of me. She says I'm the younger of the twins, and I know the person who is my twin, but she won't tell me who it is and she says I'll figure it out on my own time...whatever. I do feel that searcing feeling, but the idea of being a twin...its another diea foreign to me, and konestly, if she weren't right about nearly everything else when we have our little talks, I'd laugh about it. Its the fact that she's right so often,

Speaking of witches I love, one of them sent me a card and I should tell her thank you...and I love her, and I wish her much happiness in the coming year. Goodness, what a sweetheart to remember me. Hey! Maybe I'll take the coloring book, you think security would mind? heh heh.

ST- I miss you too! Goodness. And I do need to earworm, but It'll have to wait until I get back, I think, maybe I'll do it the week of my birthday, that would be fun, wouldn't it. Turn 25 and get my second go at ST's earworms? What better present is there? [outside a hug from the legend himself...of course ;)]

Speaking of the week of my brithday, I have an appointment with the local cancer center. I had the spot checked again yesterday and its not gone, obviously. They hadn't used the c-word yet, so when she used the term "cancer senter" instead of "women's breast center" I thought I was going to die. Really. But, there's hope for me yet, and I've got a month before I can go, so we'll see how it works out. Its the Friday after my birthday, the appointment, and I plan to go out that night and get totally soused. HEre's to hopeing I have good reason to.

Of course it wouldn't be a decent blog if I didn't tell you the songs running through my head, so I'll give you a list of the songs I suspect will be chasing my thoughts [and worming my ears] while I am on my flight and away from all this loveliness for the next 10 days. Keep in mind this is highly influenced by the two mix CD's I've just made - one for Rogue and one for Shrugs...

Swan Dive - Ani Difranco [cheerful, no?] This song is on the mix CD I gave to Rogue, its actually an all ani mix CD, and it just seems right at this point in my week. Seems like I've had a relapse into my old moods, probably the stress doing the talking, and a lot of my old problems and old habits seem to be sitting just behind my eyes. There've been things reminding me of the past lately, and the more time I have to myself the more time I have to think of them, that's always the way it is, and this week is no exception.

Last Resort - Papa Roach - This is another one I've been listening more and more to, and no, two songs about suicide in a row aern't a hint, I just feel a little moody, and the beat of this one, the sounds of desperation, that's really what I'm feeling, isn't it?

U Got Me - T Pain - I love this song and it makes me happy and wistful even though its not cheerful, but as long as I like it, who cares, right?

Manhole - Ani Difranco - this song makes me smile, and everytime I feel stupid or angry or like I've just about decided to give into my stupid desires, my own foolishness or my own wrath I listen to it and somehow feel better. I also feel better at the thought that we can learn from our own terrible stupididty.

"But a lesson must be livedIn order to be learnedAnd the clarity to see and stop this nowThat is what I've earnedAnd maybe it was I who betrayed his majestyWith no opposite realityLike a puddle with no reflectionOf the sky or the treesBut after my dreaded beheadingI tied that sucker back on with a stringAnd I guess I'm pretty different nowConsidering"

Going Down - Young Joc - most recent CD acquisition, so its obviously on my list.

Ghost - Indigo Girls - more and more, you know this song, you know me, you know how I feel right now.

River - Joni Mitchell - this ihas been playing at work, I can't stop singing it.

Two Little Girls - Ani Difranco - another song that is sad, but makes me feel better somehow.

Hotel California - The Eagles - it is my all time desert island song, after all...

Wonderwall - Oasis - I lvoe this song. That's all there is to that, and so I'll be hearing it as I take off, I hope.

Everlong - The Foo Fighters - I was listening to this on an old mix CD this morning and I remembered hpow much I love this song.

Come down and waste away with me, down with meSlow how, you wanted it to be, Im over my head, out of her head she sangAnd I wonder when I sing along with you if everything could ever feel this real foreverIf anything could ever be this good againThe only thing Ill ever ask of youYouve got to promise not to stop when I say when"

I always think of one of Rogue's friends (Sweet but Scary) when I hear it. It made me smile, thinking of her and listening to it this morning. I do love this song.

Jaded - Aerosmith - This song is one purely devoted to thoughts of Rogue, she seems to like it, and so now I associate it with her. It was also one the CD I was listening to this morning, so its stuck in my head.

Reason is Treason - Kasabian - On the CD I gave shrugs. I'm not sure why I've been listening to it lately.

Staring at the Sun - The Offspring- This is an angry, angry song, and I love it.

Loom - Ani Difranco - the stories I could tell about this song, and what it means to me. Maybe when I come back, I'll tell you all about it. I plan on devoting more time to this place when I come back, I've got more time to myself this semester, so I plan on using it.

Allright, that was a nice, ass long post with a link to another ass long, terribly depressing post, so I think that'll do you lot until I come back, or post while I am away, if I get terribly bored. I'll be back soon with pics, and if we;re lucky, you might even see me in them....

love you all


Anonymous said...

Good luck, I'm thinking about you

Anonymous said...

It'd be scary for someone who was used to flying often so don't feel like you're over-reacting.
I think you will relax once you get to Kuwait even if you are nervous about going. Think of it as a ten day adventure. Have a wonderful time and enjoy it!

Flash said...

Embrace the days ahead!
It's going to be a huge adventure, love it!

Aravis said...

If you weren't afraid, I would wonder what was wrong with you. *G* But this is an adventure and you won't be completely alone. You'll learn so much and have such great stories to share when you get back. You know we'll all be thinking of you.

I hope you have a smooth journey and a wonderful time!