So You Go and Stand on Your Own

Wow. It seems like everyone has been dreaming lately. Saw a lot of posts about dreams. I've been keeping them up myself, too. I don't know where its all been coming from, unless its just fitful sleeping or I'm just in one of those "heightened awareness" states. Either way, its both comforting and a little odd.

I'm also being a little lazy, so I'm going to post a small meme, but its really for you if you want to, and maybe, if you want, you can tell me the same, or whatever. I found this jewel on Perpet's site. its cute. Leave a comment and:

1. I'll respond with something random I like about you.
2. I'll tell you what song/movie reminds me of you.
3. I'll name something we should do together.
4. I'll say something that only makes sense to you and me (or just me).
5. I'll tell you my first/clearest memory of you.
6. I'll leave you a quote that is somehow appropriate to you.
7. I'll ask you something that I've always wondered about you.

I've been thinking lately, and I wonder if I am self centered. I was thinking this, because, asI reply to emails, I generally reply to news, or follow up questions with an anctdote about my experience. I tend to do this in comments as well. Am I narccissistic, or is that my odd way of relating? I wonder. Do you think I am self centered? [for the record, I know its not all about me]

Work, as always, is ongoing. The better I get the more I enjoy it [and you can get better at waitressing, I promise] There's a new hostess who drives me batty, she lies to your face, makes a lot of mistakes and in general does a lot of things that rub me the wrong way. I'm trying to be nice, I am, but she makes me want to tear out my hair. Its also been a week since I saw Preacher Man's parents in the store, and I found myself dreading the thought of running into them again. Ever since I saw them he's been in the back of my mind, and thinking of him is never plesant for me. It makes me sick, honestly.

I also ran into a female, erm, friend, from my past. I dont know if you want to call her a failed attempt, or a friend, or what, either way, it was akward, and it made me feel strange. Like after all this time I've never made anything more of myself. But I know I have, which is important. Right? An dI am making more of myself all the time. To me, I suppose, I ought to be glad to know you can tell I am clean, sober and happy. I weigh more, I look better. And I am not nearly as crazy as I used to be. *sigh* bridges burned, eh? Never a plesant thought.

On a more pleasureable topic, its been raining, and although the pollen count is high, the flowers are blooming and I really can smell the honeysuckle I dreamed about earlier in the week. My dogs are more sprightly, I feel better, even. I do like rain, especially when I can curl up with tea and a book and enjoy the time inside. Falling alseep to the sound of the rain is one of my favorite things to do. If it weren't raining so hard I think I'd open up my windows and let the smell of the rain come in. I know I claim to loathe springtime, but sometimes its almost bearable. Especially the rain.

Right, then. Leave a comment, tell me if you want to play the meme, and we'll get back to eachother, right?

Sending the lot of you a huge hug.
AG

Missing the sound of your hands in the grass

Last night I dreamed of the setting sun. I was laying in my back yard looking at the mass of honeysuckle that climbs my fence and blocks out the view of everything behind it. I had my head on my arms, propped behind my shoulders, and I turned to feel my face in the grass, the way it tickled me, the way it smelt. I remember I felt alone, I felt tired, I felt like I was completely full. I dreamed that I was a little drunk, laying there, thinking of the sound of the wind, inhaling deeply the smell of the flowers in front of me.

I had a flower in my hand. An iris, I think, although it was perfectly white with exception of its deep violet center. I held it lazily and dangled it over my lips, across my eyelids and down my cheeks. I lay it back on my chest, inhaling deeply again, and sighing. I played with the stem, gently pulling off bits of it with my thumbnail before flicking it aside.

As I lay there, as I dreamt, I thought of the things I love. Of the people I love. It seemed suddenly they were all there sitting beside me, drinks in hand, smelling like the ocean together, laughing and each taking turns telling me secrets.

Its not that far.

I'm right here.

You're almost there.

Please, don't cry. Its not so bad.

I remember feeling my hair around my sholders, clutching it as I cried softly, looking at them, whispering to them how much I loved them, reaching out to touch them, inches away, but never close enough.

When I woke up I was hot, I was sweating and my face felt wet. I lay there, shivering and shuddering and thinking of everything I love, and promising myself I wouldn't let any of it slip through my hands.

Not a very good one, is it? I'll write more, I think, about my dreams, provided I can keep them in my head.

xx
ag

I am caught like bottled water

I am going to preface this with fair warning that this review is obviously biased. Anyone who has read my blog for any amount of time knows that I love Ani. If your unfortunate enough to have received one of my terrible mix CD's you've heard her for yourself [or maybe, just maybe, you listen to her anyway, because you're cool like that.] That said, I'm going to talk about the concert in more detail.

As far as concerts go, it was good. The opening act was decent, funny, witty, and all in all every thing a good folk act should be. he was politcal, he was loud, he was enjoyable. The wait in between sets was annoying, because there were some technical difficulties. The venue was small, I stood all night, the drinks werent cheap. There were a load of jerks in the back who talked quite loudly through the show and it pissed me off no one shut them up.

That said, watching Ani live is honestly, I think, one of the most amazing moments in my life. Imagine, if you can, seeing the person you most admire, but have never had the chance to meet, up close and more personal than you could have ever hoped. Breathtaking.

Ani is rage. She is beauty. She is heartbreak. She is love. Watching her preform gave me a completely different perspective on her music. It was like watching god create light. You can imagine it. You can think of it. You can hear it in your head, recorded, retold - but being there, that is something completely different. Her music, her voice, her moods - they move through you, in you in a way that recordings [even live ones] can never express. The way she moved when she played, her expressions, her talking, the looks on her face when somethign went wrong, or right, the way she laughed...all of those things moved me in ways I didnt know I could be moved. She inspires me to change, she inspires me to protect, she inspires me to love.

Shall I say she played my favorite songs? She did. Shall I say when she *read out of a book* while she stretched her tendons that I was captivated? I was. Shall I say she moved me to tears? I cried. Does it matter that it was crowded,that people are rude and beer expensive? Not to me. What matters to me is that I changed from when I went in, and the music that has been the soundtrack of my existence since I was 18 has taken on more meaning, more life, than ever before.

Stars?
concert - 8/10
life moment - 10

Maybe you should follow my example

found this on a website for univeristy of Florida, laughed so hard I cried. Off their flyer campaign on Valentines Day...

12 reasons gay marriage is wrong...

1. Homosexuality is not natural, much like eyeglasses, polyester, and birth control are not natural.

2. Heterosexual marriages are valid because they produce children. Infertile couples and old people cannot get legally married because the world needs more children.

3. Obviously gay parents will raise gay children because straight parents only raise straight children.

4. Straight marriage will be less meaningful, since Britney Spears's 55-hour just-for-fun marriage was meaningful.

5. Heterosexual marriage has been around for a long time, and it hasn't changed at all: women are property, Blacks can't marry Whites, and divorce is illegal.

6. Gay marriage should be decided by the people, not the courts, because the majority-elected legislatures, not courts, have historically protected the rights of minorities.

7. Gay marriage is not supported by religion. In a theocracy like ours, the values of one religion are always imposed on the entire country. That's why we only have one religion in America.

8. Gay marriage will encourage people to be gay, in the same way that hanging around tall people makes you tall. {Hey Swiss, Lord B - can I borrow a few inches?]

9. Legalizing gay marriage will open the door to all kinds of crazy behavior. People may even wish to marry their pets because a dog has legal standing and can sign a marriage license.

10. Children can never succeed without both male and female role models at home. That's why single parents are forbidden to raise children.

11. Gay marriage will change the foundation of society. Heterosexual marriage has been around for a long time, and we could never adapt to new social norms because we haven't adapted to cars or longer lifespans.

12. Civil unions, providing most of the same benefits as marriage with a different name are better, because a "separate but equal" institution is always constitutional. Separate schools for African-Americans worked just as well as separate marriages will for gays & lesbians.

Hope you all laughed as much as I did.

Incidentally, I will be sure to post a delightfully long, over indulgent, sappy, and fanatical review of the glorious Ani D live tomorrow or Thursday, I promise. And then, Kieran, I swear I'll get to my dreams. I didnt sleep last night anyway. I swear.

xxx
AG

I need rest

I am exhausted, but I will say this about the concert - She's beautiful. Completely amazing. I am somehow heartbroken, in love and more alive than I have ever felt in my life. I'll write more next time. I promise. Rest assured - it was amazing.

Keep you're eye on that one- anticipate.

This time tomorrow night I'll be at the concert. I cant wait.

Alright. Question the next, sports I enjoyed playng when I was younger.

Honestly, I didnt. a few reasons. First, I had asthma badly, so Physical Education class was torture for me. I was terrible at running, playing, etc, and I developed a phobia of sports. Once I got over it, as I got to my tweens and teens I didnt play sports because I was told by my parents it wasnt "ladylike". I was encouraged to play an instrument, take ballet, be a cheerleader, anything but play sports.

I did take ballet. Its very intense work and I loved it. I also learned to play 3 instruments proficiently. {Violin, piano and flute for those couting - I am also slightly proficinent in percussion, guitar and most brass instruments, reed instruments give me hell] I was a cheerleader for one terrible year, during which I ruined my ankle and had to quit dancing. No fun, at all. I also sang [opera and otherwise], did drama [I was the narrator in Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat] and joined the debate team.

I was, in essence, a geek.

Now that I am an adult and play sports for fun? I love softball. I cant get enough of it. And it turns out I am a decent catcher and a pretty good hitter. :) I go watch tournaments in the summer and this summer will be the first in quite a few years I wont be playing on a team. I also like tennis, though I am terrible at it. I love to swim. Once you get me in the water its hard to get me out. If you count cycling as a sport, I like that too. I bought a new bike last summer. Still, softball has a special place in my heart.

Correct me if I am wrong, I think Kieran's was up next, what I've been dreaming of, or writing about my dreams, so maybe I'll get to that soon. I've had a lot of dreams lately. My minds been going a mile a minute at night, so I suppose that contributes. Of course, I've been a little more, erm, "spiritually" active, and that makes things a little more intense as well.

Thanks to everyone for the advice about my brother. Any is appreciated, and it means a lot to know you guys care. Having been there myself, I know you have to want to change. It still makes it no less sad, I suppose. I appreciate everyone's input. In other weird news, Preacher Man's parents were in the restaurant today. I suppose its inevitable. I spent the half hour they were there and I had spotted them hiding. *sigh* Looking at them makes me sick to my stomach with memories. I dont hate many people, but they're on my list.

On the upside, I get to go to a concert tomorrow. Hotel booked, directions printed, tickets ready. Now, to pack.

You can keep posting questions, incedentally, this is nice, to share with you and have something to look forward to writing. I'll be gone until Tuesday, so until then, take care.

Lots of Love-
AG

Keep it Separated

I think I have a few more questions to answer. I think the next in line was my most memorable compliment. That one was easy. On my prom night I was headed out to my car and one of the school's basketball players stopped me and told me I looked pretty. I had liked him a great deal before that, and that moment cemented him in my memory because Preacher man had neglected to compliment me that evening. It meant a lot to me that he had said something. It made me feel very lovely indeed.

Next up is shorty's I think, on what sports I played or liked as a child.

In personal news, my mother has made me angry again. She insulted my new job [and me] and invited me to church [which I have repeatedly asked her not to do] and then went and told my grandmother a whole pack of lies about how I refuse to see her and the step kids and how I dont love them any more, etc. It wears me out. I didnt see my mom on easter,which is likely badof me, but I am tired of being the adult. I'm 24, she's 47. She can buck up and apologize to me. She owes me one. [well, more than one, but the one will do]

My gran also said some pretty sad things about my brother, whom I dont talk about much. His addiction problems [Meth, cocaine, alchohol, among others] are getting worse and he looks like a skeleton more and more when I see him. I dsont know what to say, every time I think about broaching the subject with him about his problems I know he will shoot back at me that I did it as well. Its true, but I stopped before it hurt me too badly. Gran said there was nothing we could do but wait to see if he would stop or if he would kill himself from it. I hate that sort of fatality. It runs in my family. My mom will say "well, he'll do it whether I want him to or not" and then gives him drug money telling herself she cant stop it so why bother. *sigh* I suppose I better say something, if only to know I tried, right?

Someone should study me now

Alright, Aravis is up next on the list of questions you asked [I've not forgotten] and she asked if I could step into an alternate reality, what woud I step into. Honestly, this sounds like liscence to create the perfect world, and Aravis, my dear, I'm not up to that. I wrote a paperon that in school ,took me about 50 pages. so we'll asume you mean an alternate but pre-created reality, and I think theres no question for me then.

This geek wants the Harry Potter reality. I like the idea of traveling where you wish with a thought [think of the saved plane fare, eh, Spinny?] I like the idea of magic. I like the ideas of ink and parchment, owls for pets and wands that you can use to grow flowers, cook dinner or change your eyebrow color. I like the idea there is something beautiful and exciting behind a door or a wall, but that beauty and excitement can be used to appreciate the mundane of your world. I like that.

I wonder what we would all be doing in one of those moving pictures? What would you do in a blogger group photo?

I'm Alright, I'm alright

I prmise. I hope I didnt get you worried, Hyde. I'm fine. I promise. Just a lot busier than I want to be. I get so tired when I am off work I dont want anything but a long bath and a nap. Sad, isnt it?

Alright. I had a lot of great suggestions. I'll try to tackle one at a time, and I'll try to go in order, although there's not promise on that.

I have a lot of fond memories. I suppose I never write about them, but I do. There are two that stand out. One from childhood and one from now.

When I was a little girl my grandfather would sit onhis front porch and talk to me. Sometimes about The War, somtimes about his old horse ranch befor ehe had a heart attack, sometimes about my aunts. As I got older it was life, how he wanted me to react if he passed, what I should keep in mind if I ever wanted his [posthumous] approval of my mate. Things like that. I treasure those times. The long talks. The love. I can always see myself, when I am dreaming and can control where I am headed in the dream, starting on his porch, the roses in front of us, the swing beneath us, the wind in my hair, the smell of his cologne tickling my nose.

As an adult, without a doubt, my favorite memory is the first night Beloved and I spent in our new home. We had just signed on it, it was ours. It was a warm october and we opened the windows and let the air come in. We slept on a pallet made out of couch cushions and bedsheets. I was so happy. I remember thinking that I had a woman who loved me, a home that was mine and a good future to look forward to. Everything seemed alright bathed in the sunset that night. It was a perfect moment.

Mr. Mystic, you know, I'd blush if I were able. Your suggestion comes as a bit of a suprise. I've not dallied over here in a long time. Quite a long time. And I'm no expert. I wouldn't be a good teacher. If you ask me, its the experimenting and learning thats fun. ;)

Mor elater, loves. I promise I'll try to get around more often. At worst, I'll send you all an email letting you know I'm in one peice and happy, eh?

xxx
ag

Another very boring post

I got the ani tickets in the mail today. Yay!

Its supposed to storm again tonight. Not nearly so exciting. Or may, more exciting than I liked.

I am terribly afraid my life has become a boring mix of non stop work and sleep. And thinking of nothing but food lately has done nothing for my conversational abilities.

I was pleased to look at the lists everyone gave me. There are a few I am certainly going to check out.

It looks like everyone else is busy, though. I feel like a bad blogger, not keeping up. And an eve4n worse one for not having anything interesting to say.

I met with my school advisor yesterday and we discussed my degree options and where I could get jobs after I finish my post graduate work depending on the post grad degree I select. I think I got some wonderful input.

Being a novelist wont ever be in the cards, I dont think. But I dont think I would mind technical writing a bit. Its not difficult, but its writing. I'd love a lit degree, and a professorship in that, but my advisor mentioned that for every lit prof opening there's some 200 applicants at most colleges. They scoured for 8 potential tech writing professors when they were looking to expand the department. It'll be a good feild to break into. And there's not much of a glass ceiling either, which is great, because there seems to be one in about every other industry I've worked in. [excepting food service, of course]

Its so rare anyone works their dream job. I'd be interested to hear what you *really* would do if you had the time. Do you like your job? Would you rather be a rock star? A writer for Rolling Stone? A sanatation engineer? You tell me. What would you do.

Incidentally, to prevent my downward spiral into boredom, does anyone want to suggest somethng for me to write about, discuss or otherwise debate with them? I'm dry, and there's not a chance I'll touch music, there's two or three of you out there that have me whipped all the way around.

Wow. The reading lists are amazing, I admit. Some I've read, some were required for when I was in school. I *live* to kill a mockingbird, good book.

You know, as soon as I went back to my bookshelf there were a thousand other books that I thought of to replace them, but you kow, I dont think I am going to revise it. Suffice to say there are hundreds upon hundreds of excellent books to read.

Its my day off again. I finally got to the pool. It felt wonderful. I need to get there more often.

That's it for today. Maybe someone wants to tell me their least favorite books?

I disdain Grapes of Wrath and Of Mice and Men [although I do agree they are important reads.] I didn't like Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance but I appreciated the symbolism. I HATE Charles Dickens....*sigh* For a lover of classics I'm not much a lover am I?