Friday, April 03, 2009

Will you still love me tomorrow?

Right. So I don't even know where to begin with where I'm at. I was thinking of how many bloggers I have and haven't kept track of in the last couple of years and it makes me feel truly horrible. I loved everyone so much. Silly, isn't it? That you can lose track of something you think is important? Well, push comes to shove sometimes and its always the luxuries that fall by the wayside. Unfortunately, blogging (nay, thinking about myself) became a luxury for a long time.

Now I find myself in the peculiar position of being able to consider how I feel for the first time in a long time. I feel a lot freer than I did. I feel a lot better than I did. I'm still going through random moments of guilt over hurting Plush, and I worry about him taking care of himself. But I'mnot his mother, and I think that was part of my problem all along. When I asked myself why I shouldn't leave him the reasons all involved me not hurting him or him not being able to manage without me. He's codependent. And I was accustomed to him being codependent. I think I liked the idea of being needed after Beloved left because she definately did not need me.

But Plush and I can be friends, and I'll be his biggest cheerleader, always. But it doesn't mean I have to marry him. It cerainly doesn't mean that. All that time I was trying so hard to please him. I love him, no doubt about that. But its not enough. I'm sure my married bloggers will tell you, love doesn't make a marriage. I know. I've seen that from my own family.

Living with Kitten has softened life around the edges for me. Everything feels a lot sweeter. A lot more beautiful. Hell, I feel beautiful and that's something I haven't felt in ages. I'm not ashamed to wear my glasses around the house. I don't straighten my hair for hours anymore. I willl every now and again but I like it curly just as well as I like it straight. I don't worry about looking perfect all the time. And yet, I like to pull my hair down as I drive home because I know Kitten likes to play with my hair. I like to put on her boxers instead of my shoe string undergarments because I know it cracks her up to see me running around in them. Il ike to go shopping and buy things I know will cause eyebrows to raise. She says to me sometimes that only I can pull off some of the things I pull off, but really, I can because I feel confident enough to do it.

Yes, life is better than it was. And I shouldn't feel sorry for it. I feel like Jane in "Pride and Prejudice" why can't everyone be as happy as I am, its almost too much to bear.

So, the basics of me. Now. Almost, what three years later? I still work at the local Mexican Restaurant Casa Bueno. I waitress three nights a week and bartend three nights a week. I still work with Rogue. We've managed not to kill eachother yet. Well see. I never thought I'd meet someone as passive aggressive as I am, but she's got me beat, hands down. And she doesn't like my Kitten, which I resent. I love most of my coworkers, still, which I also didn't think was humanly posssible. I am a little nervous because corporate thoguth it would be a brilliant idea to start random drug testing. We're going to lose half our staff. (and honestly, as long as they don't come to work all spun out, who cares?)

I am still no closer to my degree than I was. I could say "the sacrifices you make for love" but excuses excuses. January is looking like the time to go back, as soon as Kitten and I come back from Florida. And then I *will* get it done. I will it so.

I smoke still. I quit for a period of about three months and then I picked the habit right up after my mother had a heart attack (I know that should make me want to quit, but there you are, do I ever do anyhthing that makes sense?) Cute thing is she blamed it on me. Said my wedding plans were stressing her out. Well, no more. Although I thought she was going tohave another one when I told her about leaving Plush. And when Itold her about moving in with Kitten. Yeah. Its not my fault. Anyhow the smoking habit has picked back up. The drinking habit, not so much. Well, not picked up anyway. I cut back after spending 90% of my summer drunk. Bad idea. The older i get the worse the hangovers are. And with the hypoglycemia I shouldn't be pounding too many cocktails anyway. Not too many.

My brother Punk STILL lives at home. Hes 25 now, for the record. My mom says he's moving out any day now. Ri-ight.

My cousin Lovey is out of state in college and her family moved away too. I miss Priestess and the rest of her family. A lot. I do.

I have a full ten tattoos now and I'll be sure to have Kitten take pictures so I can post them. My newest one is a pin up. I love her.

And that's all I can muster in one go I think. Still boring, right?


Mark said...

herro! you keep this blogging lark up now..

Alecya G said...

I'll do my best

shorty said...

Welcome home to blogland. I've missed you and I'm so glad you commented because I couldn't find your blog anymore.

Sounds like you are doing quite well. Make sure you go back to school. I am still going, I should be graduating in Dec 2010 w/ and Assoc. in Bus. Admin.

I'm staying at the Pop Music hotel in Disney. I'll be gone the 8th-13th. I'm nervous and excited about the trip, it's just me and my kid and her first time flying. And only my 4th. I hate the whole airport scene. Sometimes I don't feel like being the adult, but I have to be in charge this time.

Wow. It's good to have you back in my life. Don't be a stranger and keep blogging.

Good Luck with your relationship with Kitten, can't wait to hear more about her.

I forgot about Mystic, I wonder what ever happened to him. There are a lot of ppl who have come and gone, it's part of life, it still doesn't make it any less sad though.

Well keep in touch!

Hugs xoxo

Aravis said...

I don't know how you can see yourself as boring. You're anything but!

I'm sorry Priestess has moved away. I remember how very much she has meant to you. It's wonderful, though, to read about how good Kitten is to and for you. You deserve it!

swisslet said...

AG - it's great to have you back, and I've missed you.

A lot.


swisslet said...

by the way, thanks for your support. It's great to have you back. I've been worried about you.

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