Wednesday, January 11, 2006

I'm All Out of Faith, This is How I Feel

Preface: this is a long, rather painful post. I imagine it is not pleasant to read [I just re-read it] and you might skip it for today. Go visit Pisser instead, if you are in the mood for a laugh. There’s no laughing here today.
Lets go:
I had a bad night last night. A really bad night. Remember, in that meme I did a few days ago, I told you about a feeling I get every once and a while? Where I feel like I have lost a vital part of me, or that I am terribly sad for no reason? I suppose it was that feeling I had, only it was amplified to a huge degree.
I was crawling into bed, and it seemed like all the feelings that I have been trying to hold in since I lost my job came crashing down over me. I feel like a failure, like I can’t ever make the right choice or do the right thing. I feel like I let everyone I love down. I feel like when I touch someone, I leave this nearly imperceptible mark and all these people are trying desperately to scrub every remnant of who I am and what I have done from their existence. I feel used, like I have been taken advantage of. I feel helpless. I feel foolish. I feel like hoping for something better is a waste, because there isn’t really anything better, is there? There’s only life, and disappointments and trying desperately to struggle through it, clinging to every support you can find, and hoping to god that you won’t let go. I feel like I am trying too hard, loving too hard, and I am completely empty now. There’s isn’t a thing left. I am completely hollow at this point.
I lay there, trying not to cry, trying to let Beloved sleep, and I felt like I was shaking all over. In my minds eye, all these things that have happened to me in the past, that I hate, and I hate thinking about kept rolling through my mind. I lay there for a few hours and relived all the things that have ever torn me up, seeing the people who have hurt me, and feeling these terrible feelings of guilt for all the things I have done, one after another.
It occurred to me, I am not a good person. I’m not. As much as I try to be, as hard as I work to be, as much as I would like to be, I am not. I am a selfish, ugly, angry person. I have an incredible amount of hate for the things that have happened to me and the people in my past who have hurt me. I don’t like myself most days. I keep telling myself that all the things that have happened to me happened for a reason, and I can use them to help others. But I don’t I keep going on, hating and being petrified of what each day brings with out any thought of how I could make someone else’s existence better by helping them using my past as a reference. I feel like a fraud, because I have somehow convinced all of you that I am an essentially good person. And I am not.
Needless to say, I haven’t slept well. In the light of the morning, I can say I know most of these things aren’t true. I can say that its how I feel when I am overwhelmed. I can say that these feelings will go away and I will feel better soon enough.
This morning, I want to make a step towards making amends for myself. I want to heal a bit. And I want to talk about something that has deeply affected me. I am going to pause, and let you guys check out now if you aren’t into dealing with painful issues. [Run, run now]
Still with me? Alright. Ladies [and I know guys too - just- not as often]
Rape. Its happened to so many of us, and it upsets me. The more women I meet the more I realize there are so many who have been invaded this way. There are a few things I want to say, and then I’ll let you go somewhere else and read something cheerful.
Its not your fault. No matter what you think, what situation you were in, where you were or why you think it happened. It is not your fault. Don’t blame yourself. No is no, stop is stop.
If you have been hurt, go talk to someone. A friend, a counselor, a therapist, a group for women who have been through it. But talk to someone. Find a way to move on. Find a way to not let it consume you. If you can, go to the police. There is no shame in what happened to you. You are a victim. If you know the person, stop knowing them , don’t go near them, stay away. If your friends object tell them why. Educate them. You’ll be protecting them from it happening to them too, no matter how angry or afraid you might make them.
Learn to fight back. Take a self defense course. Learn to defend yourself. Find places that are dangerous and avoid them. Go in groups to places like bars, or parties. Make a system for checking up on each other. Follow up with friends who have been gone a while. Don’t ever let a drunk friend leave with a stranger.
Learn that it is okay to say no - to your boyfriend, your husband, your date or your best friend. You don’t have to prove you love them. You don’t have to show them you care. You don’t owe them anything. Nothing at all. And if they tell you so they are lying, they are trying to take advantage of you. Your affection and your body are yours alone to give out, when and how you want. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. Ever.
Go to the doctor. Make sure you haven’t been damaged in a permanent physical manner. Get treatment.
Love yourself. Its hard. It will hurt. The thoughts don’t go away. But love yourself anyway. Look at yourself in the mirror and say out loud all of the beautiful things about you. Your love for your children, how you volunteer, how you go to church. Whatever it is, recognize the beauty in yourself. You are still whole. You are still lovely. You are still a complete person.
Through strength we overcome adversity, right?
Really, this post was for me, and if you don’t know what to say, its alright. I don’t expect comments on this one. And I certainly don’t want you all to pity me. But this is my space, isn’t it, and if I can’t write honestly about myself here, to you, who don’t know me, how can I face it when the time comes in the real world?
I love you all, I really do.


HistoryGeek said...

My sweet. You are so strong and brave and beautiful. You really are a beacon of shining light in this blogland.

The first part of the post is scarily familiar to me...especially lately.

sunshine said...

: )

Hyde said...

you are right-- hard to read...

swisslet said...

I think you're stronger than you give yourself credit for tiger. One thing I do know is that you are not worthless and you are not alone. You've left a mark on me, and I'm in no hurry to scrub it off.



LB said...

well, there ain't many people that could write that in such an eloquent fashion, that's for sure.

Hope this anger and negativity passes quickly so we can have the fun, feisty Alecya back. x

GJC said...

:::great big hug:::

You know, all that stuff at the beginning? Sounds exactly like what I think about all the time. You're not alone...not by a long shot.