Monday, May 08, 2006

So I guess I'll just stand here with my back against a wall

I have to take a moment to break the cycle of cheerfullness that is normally me anymore. [because I have been better, lately, havent I? giving compliments puts me in a good mood] but I have to talk about something I saw on Ka's blog, or rather, something that got stuck in my head when I was over at Ka's.


If you've been round for any decent length of time you know I used to have an eating disorder. When I was 18-19 I weighed about 85/90 lbs. I'm 5'9" you do the math. I'm not talking about this now because I want you all to cheer me on and tell me its good I'm all better, I don't want you to say I'm better off now. I know all that.

What I do want you to do is take a decent look at this list of medial side effects of starving yourself:

Low blood pressure
An abnormally slow heart rate
Reduced bone density, often resulting in osteoporosis
Muscle loss and weakness
Dehydration, sometimes leading to kidney failure
Dry and brittle hair and skin
Retarded growth

think, for just a moment, what I must have looked like. Or picture yourself, or a loved one, looking jsut that thin. Its terrible. Its frightening.

And it makes me sick to death of all the people who feel like they have to diet, or comment on other people's weights. It frightens me to think that we're so obsessed with obesity we test infants. It bothers me that women and men feel like they need to make rules for themselves about how much and when and why htey should or shouldn't eat.

I support a healthy diet, don't get me wrong. Food pyramid, all that, its good.

But when I get out of the shower and I still look a long time at myself and worry about my weight I disappoint myself. I can hardly weigh myself without thinking of how much I want to lose. I still wish I cold wear smaller clothes. And I wonder if it wasn't a bad idea, sometimes, to skip a meal or two....It never goes away, this obsession with being something perfect or unreal or to become this idea of ourselves that we have in our heads. I tear up thinking of all the women and men who will do what I did and not eat. They'll feel hunger pains and their bodies will break down. And they'll tell themselves they deserve it because they are "fat" I know they will. I did it.

We have a problem. A serious, serious problem.

I look at myself and I know I am not going to be what I want. My hair isnt long and black. I am not made of muscle. I'll never weigh 110 again. I am not going to ever fit into a size 2. I am not a goddess. I am not perfect. I can't be and its unreasnable for me to hold myself to such a standard. I don't deserve that kind of torture, no matter how big or different I may become.

I hope you know that. I hope when you dream, when you close your eyes, its the real you that you see, and not the twisted ideal I see when I sleep, that so many people see when they close their eyes.

Love yourself. Love yourself. You should. You're worth it. Every ounce of you.

I do.



HistoryGeek said...

Au contraire, darling. You are a goddess. If you doubt it, go back and read that phenomenal post.

There's a really beautiful song by Rebecca Riots called Women's Bodies. I will send you the lyrics.

Anonymous said...

I thought I would hand deliver my choice of song for you.

I associate this song with you for several reasons.

It’s a really sexy song and it’s not about sex. It has a really positive message and I could see you saying this to your loved one. Most of all it’s the mood.

The song is, “By your side” by Sade.

Erika said...

I don't love myself, that's the problem. Another co-worker - a rather sizeable one, this time - made a comment this morning about my body (in the context of how flexible I am), and I carry the sorrow around in me right now, hours later, like she has proven my worst fears to be true. I'm a long way from celebrating this husk.

I do, however, love me. And that's new, so maybe there's hope.

Alecya G said...

Ka, every bit of you is worht loving. Theres a hundred bloggers who could tell you that, I'm sure. You're brilliant and lovely, there's no doubt in my mind. Its hard to love yourself, I know. But you are worth it. That's something I am sure of.

And tell your co workers to bugger off, there's a chick in the midwest ready to come up and whip their tails if they hurt you again.


You're lovely.


Thanks, spinny.

Mystic, I've never heard it, I'll have to get a copy. You're a gem. And really, you keep making me blush....