I am in a terrible mood today, and I've just woke up. Of course, I've also managed to argue with Beloved since I woke up as well.
Remember my new year's resolutions? All those good intentions of saying what I think and standing up for myself? Doing what I like in stead of what I think I have to do? Its a pain in the ass. The more I stand up formyself and express my opinions the more we fight, the more grief I get, the more fearful I am of losing her, and the more headaches I have to deal with. Frankly, I am sick of it. And if it weren't for the fact I know this is the right thing to do for myself, I would give up entirely and become a mindless drone.
I am sick to death of it. I am sick to death of doing what I am told by everyone important to me. My family... Beloved...Its wearing me down. I am sick of feeling like I don't make the right decisions. I am sick of feeling like my amitions and my loves are not as important. And I am really sick of hearing "what makes you happy?"
Why the [expletive deleted] does my happiness matter? Has anyone considered maybe we *don't* all deserve to be happy? That there are other things that are more important? Like having a job that pays your bills? Like having somewhere to live? Like responsibility? Like obligation? All of these things are important. Very important, and sometimes they impede happiness. Its a fact. Do I want to write for a living? Of course I do, and it makes me really happy. But the sad fact is, I can't make money at it, its not going to pay the bills. And I have tohave a job that does that, because I have obligations. And as much as I would like to come home every evening a write to make myself feel better, that isn't going to work either. Because I have to cook dinner, and clean my house, and write out my bills, plus spend time with my girlfriend so that she doesn't think I've stopped loving her. I barely have time to breathe, let alone write. Forget going to the gym to work out, or chat online or any other thing I would like to do.
I suppose outside all the worry I have had this little break from a job should have been a relief, i can actually spend time doing what I like. Well, after I've cleaned and cooked and applied for jobs and such.
I'm sick. Sick of all of it. This is enough for me. I feel like pulling a blanket over my head and sleeping until all my issues pass. I don't want to deal with it anymore. My relationships, my responsibilities, the person I am supposed to be or the one I want to be when I picture myself in my head.
I am so tired.