Saturday, February 04, 2006

Hey - Wait- I've Got a New Complaint

I am in a terrible mood today, and I've just woke up. Of course, I've also managed to argue with Beloved since I woke up as well.

Remember my new year's resolutions? All those good intentions of saying what I think and standing up for myself? Doing what I like in stead of what I think I have to do? Its a pain in the ass. The more I stand up formyself and express my opinions the more we fight, the more grief I get, the more fearful I am of losing her, and the more headaches I have to deal with. Frankly, I am sick of it. And if it weren't for the fact I know this is the right thing to do for myself, I would give up entirely and become a mindless drone.

I am sick to death of it. I am sick to death of doing what I am told by everyone important to me. My family... Beloved...Its wearing me down. I am sick of feeling like I don't make the right decisions. I am sick of feeling like my amitions and my loves are not as important. And I am really sick of hearing "what makes you happy?"

Why the [expletive deleted] does my happiness matter? Has anyone considered maybe we *don't* all deserve to be happy? That there are other things that are more important? Like having a job that pays your bills? Like having somewhere to live? Like responsibility? Like obligation? All of these things are important. Very important, and sometimes they impede happiness. Its a fact. Do I want to write for a living? Of course I do, and it makes me really happy. But the sad fact is, I can't make money at it, its not going to pay the bills. And I have tohave a job that does that, because I have obligations. And as much as I would like to come home every evening a write to make myself feel better, that isn't going to work either. Because I have to cook dinner, and clean my house, and write out my bills, plus spend time with my girlfriend so that she doesn't think I've stopped loving her. I barely have time to breathe, let alone write. Forget going to the gym to work out, or chat online or any other thing I would like to do.

I suppose outside all the worry I have had this little break from a job should have been a relief, i can actually spend time doing what I like. Well, after I've cleaned and cooked and applied for jobs and such.

I'm sick. Sick of all of it. This is enough for me. I feel like pulling a blanket over my head and sleeping until all my issues pass. I don't want to deal with it anymore. My relationships, my responsibilities, the person I am supposed to be or the one I want to be when I picture myself in my head.

I am so tired.


Aravis said...

It's good that you speak up for yourself, but of course one must be able to make compromises too, especially when in a relationship. You're making changes, and it affects Beloved, calling for her to adjust to the new you. You'll find a balance, both personally and professionally. It just takes time. I'm cheering for you! *hug*

shorty said...

In the end it's about you. I know that sounds harsh, but I thought for a very long time, I would not be able to live on my own, and raise a daughter, be financially sound. These things all take time, they take more than a month of time too.

Bottom line is there the most important person in this world is YOU, the only person you have to answer to or justify your actions to is YOU. YOU are the one who has to be happy. Happy w/ all aspects of you life. You will be again someday. You have a loving family and girlfriend. It looks bleak and hopeless at the moment.

Go work out, Go to school, go give your woman a hug and kiss. Crawl back under the covers, not alone but w/ your Beloved and be honest. You can stand up for yourself and I bet if you told her everything you just told us, she would understand.


HistoryGeek said...

It wears us all down sometimes, doesn't it. And you are right, sometimes needing to pay the bills puts a roadblock in the way of doing what we love all the time. But that just means we have to look at how we can do what we love some of the time.

Octavia Butler talks about how she took brainless jobs, so that she could come home and write, write, write. Of course, she was single and extremely introverted, but even she, who gets to do what she loves all the time now, had to put in her time working in a factory.

I don't know where exactly I'm going with this...just know that I hear how hard it is.

Anonymous said...

I think it must be the winter thats doing this to everybody.

You know its going to get better, and its ok to argue with loved ones. I would be bored stiff if my partner agreed with everything I said. She also trys to boss me around so I have to fend for myself often.